I've got a tip for life for ya's;
Whenever the first shoe is good, don't get happy until the other one is dropped.-chances are it's covered in doodie.
No matter how good any fresh piece of news sounds, the follow-up is usually crushing. The examples are legion, so I can't rant on about all of them. I'll just drop a few of the all-stars on you.
Take the sexual revolution. After eons of sexual repression and recrimination, now it's okay to screw whomever you want; pre-marital, interracial, swapping, orgies, whatever you can think of -it's all okay! Awe-SOME.
UNTIL THE OTHER SHOE DROPS
- VD, crabs, gonorrhea, AIDS
- cheating becomes so easy and widespread people have to worry about their spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend like never before
- you find out you're really not that good, and now everybody knows it. Now you have to move to Cambodia or Pakistan or some freakin' place where nobody knows you and repression is still the rule, so you can find a virgin who'll never realize how small or inept you are. Even now the other shoe kicks you in the ass. Sure you've got a spouse for whom you are the best they ever had so sex is great again, BUT you have to live in freakin' Cambodia or Whatthefuckistan to get it.
See? You know a lot of people back then got too happy too fast and then the other shoe didn't just drop, it drop-kicked their ass.
Ready for more? Modern medicine.
Medical advancements are saving and extending lives like never before. There's either a cure or a treatment for just about everything. How advanced and wonderful we are!
Here comes the other shoe.
- It's become safe to be stupid. All these treatments give the population a false sense of indestructibility and ruined the perceived value of eating right, clean living and exercise. Now we have an obesity epidemic and I can't get a McRib anymore because the line at McDonalds is half a mile long and I have to get to work by tomorrow.
- the medical safety net inordinately bolsters the ranks of the stupid by saving them from their own bad decisions and silly household accidents that used to thin the herd for the rest of us. The marketplace had to shift to cater to their exploding numbers so there's no more good family restaurants opening anywhere, but there's miles of Taco Bells, Popeye's Chicken, Wendy's and the like. Original movies are extinct. They can't make it in a world where Transformers 5 and Twilight 8 rule the box office. Ditto for TV; it's mostly reality shows and CSI spin-offs.
-nobody dies when god intended, they just clog traffic, lengthen the lines everywhere you go, and when they're finally done with all that they retire and help bankrupt social security
I'll finish with a quick one; Food.
The human taste bud is a formidable tool in that it can not merely help you discriminate between spoiled food and food that's safe to eat. When it samples certain things, like chocolate truffles, or a perfectly cooked T-bone, the pleasure it sends to the brain can be near orgasmic. Fan-TASTIC.
Enter shoe number two.
- beef clogs arteries and leads to heart disease and/or failure
- chocolate and other sweets lead to obesity, diabetes, and lonely prom nights
- know what doesn't? Brussels sprouts, spinach, and tofu.
- know what sucks? Brussels sprouts, spinach, and tofu.
WHY IS LIFE LIKE THIS? Time to bring it all back to "If I Were God..." sensibilities.
Maybe it's to give us a taste of paradise while reminding us that we 'aint there yet.
Maybe it's to keep us from getting so lost in consequenceless pleasures that we forget to live.
Maybe it's just to remind us that despite how far we've come, He's still god and we are so not.
And finally, the big question nobody but me cares about: What would I do IF (well, you know)
I were you-know-who.
- There'd be no sex diseases. Frankly, it would have never crossed my mind to make one.
- Self-inflicted acts of stupidity would be fatal. Instantly. No medical intervention possible.
- Steak and chocolate would still taste heavenly, but not if you've over 250. At 251 your own taste buds would quit in disgust and everything would taste like Brussels sprouts.
This meager offering has been part of WWFC's writing challenge. WWFC is of course the infamous hook-up site 'Women Wild For C___" Go there quick and check them out before the FCC shuts them down. Just a matter of time, really. (Though why they'd target women who like cookies is beyond me)
PS: This is the first entry of mine the public has been allowed to see, day 20 of this thing, because the ruling junta at WWFC felt my previous 19 were overly-awesome and would drive the other writers to withdraw (or suicide or whatever). Don't bother protesting or marching on my behalf, power-mad plutocrats are like that. It's their damaged brains I think; the air's pretty thin on Pluto...
 |
| Here it comes... |
No matter how good any fresh piece of news sounds, the follow-up is usually crushing. The examples are legion, so I can't rant on about all of them. I'll just drop a few of the all-stars on you.
Take the sexual revolution. After eons of sexual repression and recrimination, now it's okay to screw whomever you want; pre-marital, interracial, swapping, orgies, whatever you can think of -it's all okay! Awe-SOME.
UNTIL THE OTHER SHOE DROPS
- VD, crabs, gonorrhea, AIDS
- cheating becomes so easy and widespread people have to worry about their spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend like never before
- you find out you're really not that good, and now everybody knows it. Now you have to move to Cambodia or Pakistan or some freakin' place where nobody knows you and repression is still the rule, so you can find a virgin who'll never realize how small or inept you are. Even now the other shoe kicks you in the ass. Sure you've got a spouse for whom you are the best they ever had so sex is great again, BUT you have to live in freakin' Cambodia or Whatthefuckistan to get it.
See? You know a lot of people back then got too happy too fast and then the other shoe didn't just drop, it drop-kicked their ass.
Ready for more? Modern medicine.
Medical advancements are saving and extending lives like never before. There's either a cure or a treatment for just about everything. How advanced and wonderful we are!
Here comes the other shoe.
- It's become safe to be stupid. All these treatments give the population a false sense of indestructibility and ruined the perceived value of eating right, clean living and exercise. Now we have an obesity epidemic and I can't get a McRib anymore because the line at McDonalds is half a mile long and I have to get to work by tomorrow.
- the medical safety net inordinately bolsters the ranks of the stupid by saving them from their own bad decisions and silly household accidents that used to thin the herd for the rest of us. The marketplace had to shift to cater to their exploding numbers so there's no more good family restaurants opening anywhere, but there's miles of Taco Bells, Popeye's Chicken, Wendy's and the like. Original movies are extinct. They can't make it in a world where Transformers 5 and Twilight 8 rule the box office. Ditto for TV; it's mostly reality shows and CSI spin-offs.
-nobody dies when god intended, they just clog traffic, lengthen the lines everywhere you go, and when they're finally done with all that they retire and help bankrupt social security
I'll finish with a quick one; Food.
The human taste bud is a formidable tool in that it can not merely help you discriminate between spoiled food and food that's safe to eat. When it samples certain things, like chocolate truffles, or a perfectly cooked T-bone, the pleasure it sends to the brain can be near orgasmic. Fan-TASTIC.
Enter shoe number two.
- beef clogs arteries and leads to heart disease and/or failure
- chocolate and other sweets lead to obesity, diabetes, and lonely prom nights
- know what doesn't? Brussels sprouts, spinach, and tofu.
- know what sucks? Brussels sprouts, spinach, and tofu.
WHY IS LIFE LIKE THIS? Time to bring it all back to "If I Were God..." sensibilities.
Maybe it's to give us a taste of paradise while reminding us that we 'aint there yet.
Maybe it's to keep us from getting so lost in consequenceless pleasures that we forget to live.
Maybe it's just to remind us that despite how far we've come, He's still god and we are so not.
And finally, the big question nobody but me cares about: What would I do IF (well, you know)
I were you-know-who.
- There'd be no sex diseases. Frankly, it would have never crossed my mind to make one.
- Self-inflicted acts of stupidity would be fatal. Instantly. No medical intervention possible.
- Steak and chocolate would still taste heavenly, but not if you've over 250. At 251 your own taste buds would quit in disgust and everything would taste like Brussels sprouts.
This meager offering has been part of WWFC's writing challenge. WWFC is of course the infamous hook-up site 'Women Wild For C___" Go there quick and check them out before the FCC shuts them down. Just a matter of time, really. (Though why they'd target women who like cookies is beyond me)
PS: This is the first entry of mine the public has been allowed to see, day 20 of this thing, because the ruling junta at WWFC felt my previous 19 were overly-awesome and would drive the other writers to withdraw (or suicide or whatever). Don't bother protesting or marching on my behalf, power-mad plutocrats are like that. It's their damaged brains I think; the air's pretty thin on Pluto...
My God, God, seems like you've given this plenty of thought. I better be careful. I'm quickly approaching brussels sprouts. Say, God, why does brussels have an "s"? Weird.
ReplyDeleteI have to say, I really like your suggestions for improvements if you were you-know-who. Great post. :)
ReplyDeleteMay all your steaks and chocolates taste heavenly!
ReplyDeleteI prefer to think of all of the health benefits of chocolate. You might want to reconsider this, notgod.
ReplyDeleteBut I like brussel sprouts. :-)
ReplyDeleteIt's nice to see you again - in all your overly-awesomeness.
Welcome to the asylum, God Lite. Where have you been the first 19 days? If Nicky and Mike kept your posts undercover, I think they should give you permission to release them now. I had to catch up the other day and write 5 stories! Nicky is a strict mistress!
ReplyDeleteI like Brussels sprouts though... darn the luck!
ReplyDeleteI, uhm, love Brussels sprouts. But I couldn't agree with you more about sexually transmitted diseases. They really put a damper on orgies.
ReplyDeleteI've heard, anyway.
I'd say this offering was bit meatier than meager. Great observations. Your writing is funny and lively. Are you going to be joining us for the rest of the challenge days in February?
ReplyDeleteFirstly, WHAT is this Brussels Sprouts fetish people suddenly have, and why is it spreading like a plague? Do they catch it from cheesy websites?
ReplyDeleteNona Me Dufus,
There is more than one Brussel in the city, ergo the final 's'
Ziv,
thank you my lady
Haula Hooters,
they usually do!
Laugher,
that's the trap, baby
Nicky Mags
so you admit it!
Malisa
I wish I was actually 'Lite', maybe I need a strict mistress too!
Katherine
it IS lucky, you have the immunity token
2Many,
it's the after-orgy dampness you have to worry about
-I've heard