The week on earth in picture and rhyme

If you looked down on the world this week what would you have seen?

Brilliance, stupidity, comedy, trajedy and everything in between

actors bent on killing their own careers

an earthquake puts a nation in tears

a people quake raises new hopes

another tyrant up against the ropes




Providence teachers all getting ditched
Kelsey Grammer’s 4^th time getting hitched




Pirates somehow still making money

less and less bees alive to make honey




human stampede kills 36
NC segregationists want schools to unmix
 

Assange can be extradited, his hopes now sinking
germans invent a car you can steer just by thinking

a private sub for dad and mom

the mice that can sniff out a bomb

new stealth sub can be neither seen nor heard

another smear from the bigoted turd

night terrors get explained

battered city again is pained

starving eagles fall to the turf

the loneliest whale on the face of the earth

Palin the diva gets exposed as a wanker
a governor’s greed unveiled by a pranker

10yr old becomes a new mother

8yr old delivers his own baby brother

3 kids rescued from house of abuse
Beyonce in blackface considered obtuse

These seven days saw a little of everything  

I wonder what the next seven will bring

As always, If I Were God appreciates comments, ad-clicks and sharing of His articles. 

He sees all; disappoint Him not.

New Zealand is owed an apology -FROM ABOVE

Why are there still earthquakes?  Is HE still remodeling or something?  You'd think after 5 billion years at least the crust would be set.

Things like this are the reason I started this blog and titled it "IF I Were God..."  -so I could lay out the things I'd change or fix or not allow to happen;
Like birth defects.
Crib death.
congenital disease.
and earthquakes.

Some major disasters man brings on himself, e.g. the Great Chicago Fire.  Build an entire city of wooden buildings / kindling and fire is an obvious hazard.  We learned from our mistakes.  But earthquakes are just pulling the floor out from an entire region, literally.  That's poor workmanship.

Some would say He can do what He wants, but I say He shouldn't.  There are some things we should be able to count on; the sun coming up in the morning, oxygen in the atmosphere, and a surface that doesn't buck hard enough to collapse buildings on kids in their cribs.

UPDATE

I see a growing number of Aussies (Australians) have stopped in.  GOOD.  You're on assignment as of now:
Help your neighbors across the water in any way you can.  Send donations, care packages (not vegimite, blood, search & rescue teams/ambos/firies, and even yourselves if they need volunteers.  If you're in a restaurant or bar and you see some depressed, knackered or even crying NewZies who've had their holiday ruint, be a mate and buy them dinner, or at least a drink.  If they're single and you're attractive take 'em home to your cushion and give 'em a night they'll not soon forget, okay you beauties?  -Nothin' heals like love, mates.

[If any Aussies are impressed with my sudden repertoire of aussie-isms I have only Jen to thank, an American ex-patriot and up&coming published photographer now happily living in Oz who recently sent me her own Aussie-American dictionary.  Cheers, Jen!]

As always, If I Were God appreciates comments, ad-clicks and sharing of His articles. 

He sees all; disappoint Him not.

The Body and its Uses naughty & nice part II

The Final Four:

If you missed Body Uses part I, here's your link.

More on the anus;

Although a valid case for suppositories as an optional use could be made, so to then could 'improvised pleasure node', which has led to too many dangerous experiments resulting in permanent damage, surgical removal and even death.  The documented list of unapproved insertions includes (but is not limited to) light bulbs, plungers, frozen food, hand tools, and concrete.  This is true; one man had his boyfriend pour concrete in his anus to let it harden, expecting a pleasureable sensation upon its removal.  Several hours of harrowing surgery proved him incorrect.

If you're as done as I am with the subject of assholes abusing their assholes, we can move on...

Please understand.  I am not actually forbidding any of the unapproved uses (with the exception of clitoral mutilation), but if you go off the reservation you’re in the same no-man’s land as if you were to use your iPod as a doorstop.  Misuse voids your warranty.  You can pray for intervention, but don’t hold your breath.  If you shove a light bulb where no light is normally available I can promise you I won’t come sweeping down from heaven with forceps and K-Y.  You are    on    your    own.

Hopefully that cleared a few things up.  So by all means go have fun -within reason.

As always, If I Were God appreciates comments, ad-clicks and sharing of His articles. 

He sees all; disappoint Him not.

The body and its uses, naughty & nice pt 1

Your body, a temple.  For some, a desecrated ramshackle wreck of a temple.  The benefits of keeping it nice are as obvious as the drawbacks of abusing it.  The consequences at this end of the spectrum are dire enough to merit a little advice on my part.

Judging by various news items detailing spectacular misuses, and little desire on my part to see anybody’s last mark on this earth be an appearance on the nominee list for the Darwin Awards, this post will be just in time to save some of you from the bright idea you just had –but before you have the time, money, or unlicensed apparatus to act on it.

For those who laugh knowing the ‘unapproved’s are not relevant to their own lives –You’re welcome for the chuckle.

For those who laugh until they see something they were about to do, and are now rethinking their plans – You’re doubly welcome.

For those who don’t laugh at all, talk to somebody; you’re obviously depressed.

(Remember, the night is always darkest just before dawn.)

I don’t want to overload anybody, so just the first five for today.

An extra note or two on some things;

Your lungs were not made for cigarette smoke any more than your pubes were made to for signal fires.

If you think this is a poor analogy consider that cigarette breath is about as perfumey as burning hair.

Clitorises are not where they are by accident.  They're not rebellious nipples that ran away to join the circus or live in a warmer climate.  They're meant to be right where they are.  Don't think I don't know that female circumcision is really all about male insecurities and antiquated gender control issues.

For those offended by the declaration "I decide color scheme and hole placement, not you" I offer this gentle reminder.  It took a long long time to get the human form to where it is.  Do you really think anything you can get done in a strip mall for $30 is going to constitute an improvement?  As long as you're retouching masterpieces why not just drop by the Louvre and pencil in some of your upgrades on the Mona Lisa.  She does look a bit dour, if there's any ink left after your full torso tatoo you could use it to liven up those drab clothes da Vinci saddled her with -maybe sketch in some Daisy Dukes with a bikini top from the Katy Perry collection; she could be hiding a great rack under there for all we know.

Please understand.  I am not actually forbidding any of the unapproved uses (with the exception of clitoral mutilation), but if you go off the reservation you’re in the same no-man’s land as if you were to use your iPod as a doorstop.  Misuse voids your warranty.  You can pray for intervention, but don’t hold your breath.  If you shove a light bulb where no light is normally available I can promise you I won’t come sweeping down from heaven with forceps and K-Y.  You are    on    your    own.

Hopefully that cleared a few things up, at least on the first five.

Next time: Everybody’s favorite –the orifices, click here. 

As always, If I Were God appreciates comments, ad-clicks and sharing of His articles. 

He sees all; disappoint Him not.

9 Celebrities who would shoot Cupid on sight

Who would want to harm adorable little Cupid? 
More than you would guess, and not without cause. 
You know who you are, and I know you've got your reasons.

1. You're Sandra Bullock, he not only made you fall for a
    dirt-bag, he made the dirt-bag fall for a ho-bag.

2.  You're Paul McCartney, and you could've had anybody
     after Linda, anybody, and he made you go for a one-legged
     gold digger.

3. You're Angelina Jolie, and you already know how
     susceptible Brad Pitt is to those arrows.

4. You're Jennifer Aniston, and frankly, you've had enough.



5. You're Donald Trump, that little winged prick cost you more cash more times than the housing crash.

6. You're Julia Roberts, and you still can't believe you ever married Lyle Lovett.

7. You're Charlie Sheen, and that little bastard did it to you again.

8. You're Bill Clinton, and he told you you're cut off for life.

9. You're Sarah Palin, and though Cupid never wronged you; you just like shooting stuff.

They all have it in for Cupid, the perennial emblem of Valentine's Day and mischievous and voyeuristic cherub who, with his Bow of Blinding, has wrongly linked more hapless couples together than angry farmers with shotguns.  He enjoys a far better reputation than he deserves, owing to the human habit of crediting the person who introduced a happy new couple to each other, but forgetting who that person was by the time it all ends in tears.

Outside of Lady Gaga and her fondness for bad romance, no decent people enjoy love gone wrong. (Divorce lawyers don't count; I said 'decent people')

Since a recent statistical analysis showed definitively that less than 5% of relationships actually last long enough to be rewarding, Cupid's heretofore legendary aim and foresight has been debunked, exposing him as little more than an arbitrary sniper with a cruel sense of humor and an obsolete weapon.  As such, there is now a price on the little bastard's head and his days are considered numbered.

He'll find no refuge in heaven either.  Though he did used to work there, his proclivity, nay, obsession with shooting things made him a washout in his first day.  For all the above reasons and a sea of broken hearts, Cupid is the target of this week's Smackdown.

I'm sure the list at the top could be a lot longer.  Who else belongs on it?  Lemme know and I'll add 'em.

As always, If I Were God appreciates comments, ad-clicks and sharing of His articles. 

He sees all; disappoint Him not.

4 Scurrilous rumors about lovely Guam -DEBUNKED

Stop Hating on Guam!

Well it didn't take long for the haters to resent the attention Guam is now basking in.  Nasty rumors have been spread and in the interests of truth, I must refute them.  [Somebody please pass this to Sarah Palin as an example of the proper use of the word 'refute' -thx]

FALSEHOODS FIXED

If you come here you will not get Guamorrhea.  Sun and good food, yes.  Fictitious diseases, no.

Nobody lives in huts made of batshit and straw called Guamdominiums.  They live in nice houses, like you.

No crazed practitioners of Tae Guam Do will attack you in the street.  It's an island, not a Jet Li movie.

Locals do not travel smelly canals in Guamdolas.  You're thinking of Venice.  Beautiful there too, BTW.

Guam is in fact, so breathtakingly lovely that visitors unused to it's beauty may need an inhaler just to stay conscious.  It's not surprising that it is enjoying such a global resurgence in popularity these last few days that it is now by far the world's most frequently mentioned country in articles and posts written about Guam.

I hope this clears a few things up.  As for the scurrilous rumors, I have my best gossip-trackers on the case now.  And when when they let me know who's bearing false witness, well then, somebody's going to get smote!

As always, If I Were God appreciates comments, ad-clicks and sharing of His articles. 

He sees all; disappoint Him not.

I am now the president of GUAM

Greetings to Guam!

For whatever reason the native Guamians suddenly think this site is Guamarific.  13 hits in the last 24 hours; outnumbering any other country including the US, Canada, and Purgatory.  13 may seem like a low number, but it would have been enough to get me public office there had my name been on the ballot.  (or if they had ballots, or offices...)  What makes the number more amazing is that there are only 12 computers on the island not made of coconuts.  So they are a people who share.  I like that.

[Guamians: don't mind the jokes there.  It is from your ranks I will raise my army.  Wait for the signal...]

I don't know what made the love blossom so all of a sudden, but I'd sure like to know!  I have some cold margueritas for any Guamitas that can clue me in.

If you send me a key to the city I will accept it with grace.  (Assuming there is a city, and it has at least one lock)  But I will not move there to assume the mantle of power until I receive a ceremonial sash -must not be made of woven leaves.  Make it white, k?  Kinda my color.

UPDATE

The Guaminians need me more than I first realized.  They're sending me a plea for help, cleverly coded in carefully placed outdoor sculpture they knew I would be able to see from heaven. 

The message is so clear to Me now, how could I have missed it before?

Imperialists imposed their religion on the helpless island, symbolized by the oversized chess piece 'the bishop' seen banishing the indigenous culture -symbolized by a native figure- who must flee by sea in half a canoe, (the back half presumably seized to pay unfair taxes -a classic imperialist move) while painfully impaled in the head by the bishop's colonial writing quill.  You can see the bishop's hand still open, having just released the quill.  One can only admire how bravely, nay, stoically, the noble native conducts himself while hopelessly rowing his jagged canoe half, despite the obviously painful head trauma he's enduring.

I feel compelled to help; brace thyselves.

As always, If I Were God appreciates comments, ad-clicks and sharing of His articles. 

He sees all; disappoint Him not.

2010 year end revie- WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!

As He looks down upon creation to see what man has achieved lately.  Knowing all the vast tools man has at his disposal, creativity, intelligence, technology, etc... all at his command to achieve the noblest aspirations he can conceive.  Below, an awards ceremony is televised globally to celebrate just that -achievement- as the most acclaimed woman in her field of endeavor this year is introduced

-and He looks down to see her, a singer

 

-draped in dead animal tissue; a meat dress.

If I were God, I'da felt such disappointment in that moment I'd be tempted to make rain, for about six weeks.  Tempted, but not quite enough to do it just yet.  Maybe just a little retraining, a kind of refresher course of what gets used for what.  Seeing that fat-marbled mess makes me wonder if He thinks we've forgotton which parts of sheep and cattle were meant for food and which for clothing.

Methinks this review ought to go back to the basics, the old-school basics.  As old school and basic as I can get; we'll start with the classic 4 elements of the ancients, just so everybody's clear on what they're for.

If this all seems unnecessary or condescending just note how many times you recognize common 'unnapproved' uses and you'll get one of those 'oh, yeah' momments of clarity.  Some of you, sadly, will be flat-out surprised.

I hope that was illuminating.  In fact, I think a few more of these, covering various other things commonly misused, misunderstood, mis-inserted... would be a needed service to more people than you realize.  Keep an eye out for them.  Until then, don't stick anything anywhere unless you know for sure it belongs there.

As always, If I Were God appreciates comments, ad-clicks and sharing of His articles.  He sees all; disappoint Him not.

Wanna-Be Wednesday

Yes, would-be gods and goddesses, Wanna-Be Wednesday is back; your chance to dictate your dictums as deity for a day, to share with your fellow mortals and propound upon the prodigious plans and programs you would push in only you had the proper power to probigate them planetwide.

Last week Crystal Waldrum of For Your Amusement: My Life harkened the call and tried her hand at being deity for a day. 

Here now, her edict:                                                         And Crystal herself, enthroned for a day.

FOR NEXT WANNA-BE WEDNESDAY

Want your pic up there?  There's a healthy number of followers and visitors to this blog, and most of you have shown the wit and gumption to maintain your own blogs so I know there's a wealth of creativity at your command.  The throne awaits your butt. (No farting in the cushion, or else)  So-

If I Were God has a task for you;  gather two animals of every kind...

OR

For those unskilled in animal husbandry or allergic to furry creatures (or their fleas, manges or other omnipresent vermin), you can send in your own "If..." or a new "Reasons to believe / Reasons to doubt".  Your (fumbling, laughable attempts at) genius will be recognized, enshrined here, and linked to your own site.

Remember, they must be funny.  "If I Were God... I'd smite Sarah Palin" is not funny, despite being clearly necessary.  Much better would be "...I'd make low IQ'd politicians obvious to all by making them end every sentence with either 'duhhh', 'ummm', 'gurgle', or 'you betcha'.

So go forth, be thoughtful and blogify.  I'll be up here, enthroned and ready to judge. (We all have our bit to do, you know)

As always, If I Were God appreciates comments, ad-clicks and sharing of His articles.  He sees all; disappoint Him not.