Wednesday, February 16, 2011

The body and its uses, naughty & nice pt 1

Your body, a temple.  For some, a desecrated ramshackle wreck of a temple.  The benefits of keeping it nice are as obvious as the drawbacks of abusing it.  The consequences at this end of the spectrum are dire enough to merit a little advice on my part.

Judging by various news items detailing spectacular misuses, and little desire on my part to see anybody’s last mark on this earth be an appearance on the nominee list for the Darwin Awards, this post will be just in time to save some of you from the bright idea you just had –but before you have the time, money, or unlicensed apparatus to act on it.

For those who laugh knowing the ‘unapproved’s are not relevant to their own lives –You’re welcome for the chuckle.
For those who laugh until they see something they were about to do, and are now rethinking their plans – You’re doubly welcome.

For those who don’t laugh at all, talk to somebody; you’re obviously depressed.
(Remember, the night is always darkest just before dawn.)

I don’t want to overload anybody, so just the first five for today.

An extra note or two on some things;

Your lungs were not made for cigarette smoke any more than your pubes were made to for signal fires.
If you think this is a poor analogy consider that cigarette breath is about as perfumey as burning hair.

Clitorises are not where they are by accident.  They're not rebellious nipples that ran away to join the circus or live in a warmer climate.  They're meant to be right where they are.  Don't think I don't know that female circumcision is really all about male insecurities and antiquated gender control issues.

For those offended by the declaration "I decide color scheme and hole placement, not you" I offer this gentle reminder.  It took a long long time to get the human form to where it is.  Do you really think anything you can get done in a strip mall for $30 is going to constitute an improvement?  As long as you're retouching masterpieces why not just drop by the Louvre and pencil in some of your upgrades on the Mona Lisa.  She does look a bit dour, if there's any ink left after your full torso tatoo you could use it to liven up those drab clothes da Vinci saddled her with -maybe sketch in some Daisy Dukes with a bikini top from the Katy Perry collection; she could be hiding a great rack under there for all we know.

Please understand.  I am not actually forbidding any of the unapproved uses (with the exception of clitoral mutilation), but if you go off the reservation you’re in the same no-man’s land as if you were to use your iPod as a doorstop.  Misuse voids your warranty.  You can pray for intervention, but don’t hold your breath.  If you shove a light bulb where no light is normally available I can promise you I won’t come sweeping down from heaven with forceps and K-Y.  You are    on    your    own.
Hopefully that cleared a few things up, at least on the first five.
Next time: Everybody’s favorite –the orifices, click here

As always, If I Were God appreciates comments, ad-clicks and sharing of His articles. 
He sees all; disappoint Him not.


  1. I really love the silicone sculpture of the cactus that looks like Darth Vader flipping somebody off. Art is the highest achievement of human hands.

    This is really good. I'm going to Stumble this and see what happens.

  2. I appreciate it brother Fred.

  3. hehehe!! can't wait for the next one!!

  4. These are all great points. But you need to tell me that you would seriously smite Angelina Jolie before I totally believe you.

  5. No fair Linda!
    You already KNOW she's one of my Reasons to Believe. And I never said any of these were smiteworthy offences (only forced female circumcision is), just unapporoved. Warrenty voided if she gets infected from one.

  6. Okay, that what I figured. Shades of gray here in god country.

  7. The shades you see are of wisdom. WISDOM I SAY!

    Are you a parent? There are some things your kid will do that you won't approve of, but you won't stop them either. You might say something like "have it you way, kid. But if it blows up in your face don't come running to me."

    And then there's other times you put your foot down "I don't care what he called you, put that knife back in the drawer".

  8. Okay, so I came.

    Uh...I came BY, of course.


    Let's start again.

    I stopped by, a requested and have only this to say:

    I am a vehement atheist, so I find it difficult to relate entirely to this blog. I am, however, making an exception ans you are both funny and in posession of an impressive vocabulary (HOT).

    In that note, I am also decidedly let down that you are married.

    That is all.

    - B x

  9. Well. Um. At least I've never circumcised anybody. You did say the rest of the list weren't smite-worthy, right?

  10. Correct Nicky,
    but only because dumb things you do to yourself is actually a form of self-smiting i.e. they are their own punishment.

  11. Whew! So glad I'm reformed. :)

    Thank goodness I've never circumcised anyone, or kick any animate balls. Not yet, anyway.

  12. I know blonds are traditionally slower so...
    Make 'not yet' into 'not ever' and I'll make sure you have that 'more fun' like the saying goes.

    -although I've read your blog and you're already having more fun than most. Rock on.

  13. Bravo, on all counts (even the smoking one, and I'm a smoker.)