The body and its uses, naughty & nice pt 1

Your body, a temple.  For some, a desecrated ramshackle wreck of a temple.  The benefits of keeping it nice are as obvious as the drawbacks of abusing it.  The consequences at this end of the spectrum are dire enough to merit a little advice on my part.

Judging by various news items detailing spectacular misuses, and little desire on my part to see anybody’s last mark on this earth be an appearance on the nominee list for the Darwin Awards, this post will be just in time to save some of you from the bright idea you just had –but before you have the time, money, or unlicensed apparatus to act on it.

For those who laugh knowing the ‘unapproved’s are not relevant to their own lives –You’re welcome for the chuckle.

For those who laugh until they see something they were about to do, and are now rethinking their plans – You’re doubly welcome.

For those who don’t laugh at all, talk to somebody; you’re obviously depressed.

(Remember, the night is always darkest just before dawn.)

I don’t want to overload anybody, so just the first five for today.

An extra note or two on some things;

Your lungs were not made for cigarette smoke any more than your pubes were made to for signal fires.

If you think this is a poor analogy consider that cigarette breath is about as perfumey as burning hair.

Clitorises are not where they are by accident.  They're not rebellious nipples that ran away to join the circus or live in a warmer climate.  They're meant to be right where they are.  Don't think I don't know that female circumcision is really all about male insecurities and antiquated gender control issues.

For those offended by the declaration "I decide color scheme and hole placement, not you" I offer this gentle reminder.  It took a long long time to get the human form to where it is.  Do you really think anything you can get done in a strip mall for $30 is going to constitute an improvement?  As long as you're retouching masterpieces why not just drop by the Louvre and pencil in some of your upgrades on the Mona Lisa.  She does look a bit dour, if there's any ink left after your full torso tatoo you could use it to liven up those drab clothes da Vinci saddled her with -maybe sketch in some Daisy Dukes with a bikini top from the Katy Perry collection; she could be hiding a great rack under there for all we know.

Please understand.  I am not actually forbidding any of the unapproved uses (with the exception of clitoral mutilation), but if you go off the reservation you’re in the same no-man’s land as if you were to use your iPod as a doorstop.  Misuse voids your warranty.  You can pray for intervention, but don’t hold your breath.  If you shove a light bulb where no light is normally available I can promise you I won’t come sweeping down from heaven with forceps and K-Y.  You are    on    your    own.

Hopefully that cleared a few things up, at least on the first five.

Next time: Everybody’s favorite –the orifices, click here. 

As always, If I Were God appreciates comments, ad-clicks and sharing of His articles. 

He sees all; disappoint Him not.