Once was a time I would relish the opportunity to drop a truth bomb on anyone who asked for it, reasoning "They're asking for it!"
Once was a time I esteemed myself for being the true friend who would tell you the truth when nobody else would.
Once was a time I'd warn people with pride "Don't ask me if you don't really want to know."
Once was a time I was quite a prick.
This was before I realized that "How do I look?" really means "I'm insecure right now and could use a boost."
I have grown since then. Not in girth, but in wisdom. Okay, some girth. But it's where I keep my wisdom; warm and safely padded -anyway, moving on... ...and speaking of girth.
What if your woman is large enough to generate her own gravitational field, puts on her new dress that may have been formerly used to cover the Superdome during Katrina, and she asks the most loaded question in the history of questions (or loads, for that matter), namely: DO I LOOK FAT?
How do you answer? You may think to look at her, take it all in so to speak, before weighing the facts and...
BIG mistake. She didn't come to you to have the facts or anything else weighed.
I don't care if NASA just awarded her planetary status.
I don't care if she sucking Cheetos through the air down a hall from a bowl two rooms away.
I don't care if crumbs from the Cheetos she's already eaten have taken up orbit around her equator.
The answer (and not just if you want to live) is "No."
And later if you're worried about size yourself and ask "Does size matter?" she can return the favor.
| Sometime "More cushin for the Pushin'" is actually a wrap-around sectional. |
Ah, the truth. A double edged sword if ever there was one. And what better way to impale oneself then to whip it out unnecessarily only to trip upon it?
Once was a time I would relish the opportunity to drop a truth bomb on anyone who asked for it, reasoning "They're asking for it!"
Once was a time I esteemed myself for being the true friend who would tell you the truth when nobody else would.
Once was a time I'd warn people with pride "Don't ask me if you don't really want to know."
Once was a time I was quite a prick.
This was before I realized that "How do I look?" really means "I'm insecure right now and could use a boost."
I have grown since then. Not in girth, but in wisdom. Okay, some girth. But it's where I keep my wisdom; warm and safely padded -anyway, moving on... ...and speaking of girth.
What if your woman is large enough to generate her own gravitational field, puts on her new dress that may have been formerly used to cover the Superdome during Katrina, and she asks the most loaded question in the history of questions (or loads, for that matter), namely: DO I LOOK FAT?
How do you answer? You may think to look at her, take it all in so to speak, before weighing the facts and...
BIG mistake. She didn't come to you to have the facts or anything else weighed.
I don't care if NASA just awarded her planetary status.
I don't care if she sucking Cheetos through the air down a hall from a bowl two rooms away.
I don't care if crumbs from the Cheetos she's already eaten have taken up orbit around her equator.
The answer (and not just if you want to live) is "No."
And later if you're worried about size yourself and ask "Does size matter?" she can return the favor.
Oooh, can of warms I see opened up here! But then if you like ‘favour’ returned… The question really is – how long have you fed her lies (sorry favours) : )
ReplyDeleteOooh, can of warms I see opened up here! But then if you like ‘favour’ returned… The question really is – how long have you fed her lies (sorry favours) : )
ReplyDeleteI would reply "Sadly, no" to that question. I like to surprise women.
ReplyDeleteYou are, indeed, a wise supreme being. :-)
ReplyDeleteIt’s strange how men recognise beautiful woman and how they recognise what’s hot and what is not on a stranger… even when woman is slim sexy, skinny anorexic or just fat – yet they tend to shy away from telling their darlings what they really feel. If you keep saying to your darling wife how sexy and hot she looks for the sake of the peace (when she’s not), she will never work on her appearance and thus you will be always left facing that question… truth or lie? (forgodsake don’t tell her she’s a Superdome in that dress! Perhaps it doesn’t compliment her shape? Or you have indeed been feeding her favours for some many years … there’s just no going back?)
ReplyDeleteIs it hard to believe that all we really want to know what makes our men tick? What is hot and what is not? : )
Hannah & her sisters,
ReplyDelete(I see 3 of you here, so I assume you're sisters) First, I've not been the one feeding her as I would not risk losing a hand like that. Second, one must be diplomatic "Of course you look great, but you'd look even better without the triple chin." See? Don't even have to lie.
GB,
is it really hard for an 800 lb gorilla to surprise women? I would think your just being there would surprise the shit out of most.
Nicky,
this is why you've achieved 'disciple' status.
I'm just one, but I seem to have an echo here...don't know how... I agree with diplomacy! Way forward! :)
ReplyDeleteIn my book, benevolent lies are always preferred to a truth told with hurtful intent. In my case, I much prefer hearing, "You're one of those guys who looks better without hair", than I do "Damn! Put on a hat! The glare is blinding me!"
ReplyDeleteIn my book, benevolent lies are always preferred to a truth told with hurtful intent. In my case, I much prefer hearing, "You're one of those guys who looks better without hair", than I do "Damn! Put on a hat! The glare is blinding me!"
ReplyDeleteI assume that fat people (men and women) know they are fat. If you are talking about normal questions from normal sized people who may or may not be a few pounds over weight, I would probably be more honest. There is nothing wring with saying "I like that color on you, but it's not a flattering cut". There are people who like / LOVE fat women. They even feed them to keep them that way. There are plenty of chubby chasers out there, Dude, and they do not see eye to eye with you on this one. If I ask the question, I want the answer. But then I'm not "Rubenesque".
ReplyDeleteHannah,
ReplyDeleteone of you is plenty, is it not?
Sully,
I see they didn't say "good", just "better"; diplomacy at work?
Linda,
should I bequeath you the title "Keeper of the Truth"? I wasn't talking about fetishists, so your chasers don't qualify. It is good to think there's sombody out there for everyone, sometimes more!
Ehm, perhaps can't handle more of me then one...? haha
ReplyDeleteThat question is as loaded as a baked potato with sour cream, bacon, butter, and shredded cheddar. I stopped asking that question when I realized I was only asking because of my own insecurities. When I want to know if I look fat in something I look in the mirror and change clothes until I find something I find flattering. If I am in doubt I ask one of my girlfriends. The last time I went out with a man I put on my best outfit and stepped out and said, "Is this good enough?" Then I let him take it off of me... JUST kidding. I made him buy me dinner first.
ReplyDeleteShe wouldn't ask you if she looked fat, she would ask if the outfit she is wearing makes her look fat. Big difference. Same answer but different question. She knows she looks fat but she can't lose 50 lbs or even 5 lbs in the time that she needs to get dressed for whatever event she is getting dressed up for. She just doesn't want to make it worse.
ReplyDeleteSize does matter. Fortunately, I don't have to worry about it, and never feel a need to ask.
ReplyDeleteHanna,
ReplyDeletedarling, threesomes are for porn stars. I haven't done that for months...
Angie,
I hope you at least got the dinner super-sized, and demanded a McFlurry first -I'd hate to think you went cheap. ;oP
Jen,
subtle but important distinction, I think you're right.
Mike,
welcome back, and it's never good to worry -causes shrinkage
I got the veal... and 2 martinis. ;) I don't mess around.
ReplyDeleteHa. I like this.
ReplyDeleteI definitely think it's a huuuuge motherfucking trap when a woman asks that. If I ever say I'm having a 'fat day', NO ONE had better say "Well, you could stand to lose a few." That's just asking for a stabbing.
Also, the only time weight should eeeever come up is if there's a genuine health concern. Ultimately, a woman knows if she needs to lose weight, and no one had better point it out of someone is *definitely* going to get hurt.
Angie,
ReplyDeleteif you don't mess around, why'd he buy the veal?
are we talking about the same thing?
Britt,
when you say 'hurt', you mean emotionally, right?
My favorite reply is, "I love your huge fat ass." What's she gonna do? Kick my ass?
ReplyDeleteFredest Gump,
ReplyDeleteUh, that's a BIG 10-4 good buddy.
The answer too are you fat is..... No!!! Your not flat!! (cause most likely her breasts will have enlarged due to the fat!) Its just an honest mis-hear then.... and you can give an honest mis-answer!
ReplyDeleteSteve,
ReplyDeleteunless she's also got hearing problems I don't think that'll buy you more than 2 or 3 seconds. I'd use that time to edge towards the door.