Behind the wheel or under it

Confucius say “Better to be behind the wheel than under it.”

Timeless wisdom, no?  Okay, I made that one up just now but it totally sounds like something he would say, right?  Good advice, either way.

Of course there’s an even better position to be in; that's behind the guy who’s behind the wheel.  If you’ve got a chauffeur you’re in a pretty good position, physically and metaphorically -not to mention financially.  I’d recommend feeding him well.  In the event of a crash he’s got an airbag, but you’ve got him and an airbag.  The puffier he is the better off you are.

You gotta love a woman
who has to willingly takes
you wherever you say.



Of course if you're afforded the kind of life that affords a chauffeur and you don't need your driver to double as a hulking bodyguard then you can choose a female for the job, one that fits your lap image, so you can support equal opportunity and all.  (Also they're naturally soft and, uh, cushiony in case of impact.  Cushion size varies by model, choose carefully.)

Yeah, if you’re the guy behind the guy behind the wheel you’ve got plenty of reasons to feel good about it.  Unless that limo you’re in is a rental, then the glory is fleeting.  Once you get to the chapel or reception that special feeling is gone. 

I’m actually in the poor man’s version of that position right now as I write this.  I’m on an express bus bound for NYC and work on this gloryless Monday morning.  I do have a driver; (not the woman in the picture but a woman nonetheless) she’s behind the wheel and I’m behind her, so it’s kinda sorta the same.  Almost?

If it weren’t for all these other people rustling newspapers and whispering into their cell phones I could totally pretend I was Donald Trump ...tracking down birther clues.  If I could just prove the president’s an alien then I could call Will Smith in to capture him.

A'ight, prez.  Step away from
Air force one, k?



Then I’d be friends with Will Smith.  How kewl would that be?  We could head down the shore, gettin’ jiggy with it in the sum-sum-summertime.  Or head down to Miami to
party in the city where the heat is on

all night on the beach till the break of dawn

Welcome to Miami (bienvenido a Miami)

Water so clear you can see to the bottom

 $100,000 cars, everybody got ‘em

Ain't no surprise in the club to see Sly Stallone

Miami, my second ho-

Noooo!!  We’re at the port authority bus terminal already?!  God damn it, now I have to get out and walk.  In the real world.  <sigh>.

This childish fantasy has been brought to you courtesy of the 30 days of writing challenge.  Enjoy the others!