Thou Shalt Not Be Scum

There's a lot of awful things one should never do in this life.  At the top of that list, right after genocide, is pedophilia.  Phychologists might argue that it's a symptom of a mental disorder (but nothing half a million volts in a specially designed chair couldn't cure) and not the conscious choice of the perpetrator.

What clearly is a choice is writing and self-publishing a how-to book for pedophiles.  Now the subject of death threats, police investigation (and protection) is author Phillip Ray Greaves for his 'seminal' work  “The Pedophile’s Guide To Love And Pleasure”, available until like yesterday on Amazon.  I cannot imagine what would posses anybody with the brain power to author a book to use that skill to help pedophiles to not get caught.  Perhaps he just finished reading a how-to book himself, "How to write a book so vile the mere subject matter would make people want to kill you". (Also available on Amazon)

As you may know from earlier posts I am a big fan of a smiting God.  He hasn't done it in a while, at least not in the big splashy way He used to, but I'd like to lobby for a special come-back of it, like the McRib.  We just need to see one every once in a while.

Since there is currently no commandment like "Thou Shalt not molest children", and certainly no "Thou Shalt not aid and abet the molesting of children"  I'd like to propose a catch-all commandment for all such crimes and how-to manuals.  Thou Shalt Not Be Scum.

The good news is that this Phillip Ray Greaves is ruined for life now.  Even if the DA cannot find a way to charge him with something, the stink of this will follow him forever.  By which I mean this life and the next.  Nobody will want to know him, date him, sleep with him... even in hell he'll probably need his own private pit of boiling lava when none of the other inmates will bunk with him.  Misery loves company, but he'll burn alone.

...Beauty would be earned

This blog was created 3 weeks ago to be about upgrades for Creation, and it's time I got specific.

If I were God...
Beauty would be earned, not given out blindly at birth like some half-assed lottery.  All children would start out looking average.  The cooler you were to your fellow man, the better looking you'd get as you grew up.  The more of a dick you were, the more you'd look like my dog's ass.  (Can you imagine what Dick Cheney would look like now?  Eesh.)

[The above excerpt is from my forthcoming book "What if God is Cheating on Us?" coming soon to a website near you]

I think that's a perfect place to start the upgrading.  It not only rewards the good and punishes the bad, it's an external conscience, a needful thing as so many ignore their inner one.  You'd either wake up in the morning to find your pores are a little smaller and acne disappearing and you know "I must be doing alright".  OR you'd find that little spot on your nose has become a wart the size and general shape of Justin Beiber's head.  Then you'd know you've been a dick and it's time to change.  Once it starts singing, it's too late.

The other huge benefit is the good could spot the bad a mile away and know to keep away from them.  (For those without binoculars it might be only a hundred yards or so, but still...)  Cops chasing a masked bank robber who ducks into a store would just have to look everybody over once to know who to 'cuff  "You, with the teen sensation on your nose, put your hands up and turn around slowly!"

A good day in Creation 2.0 (Feel free to act as my review board, and let me know if you approve)

If you enjoyed this, please pass it on - the more the merrier!

How to get into Heaven - (part II)

In the afterlife Heaven's definitely the place to be and everyone will want in.  That being the case getting in might be as tough as trying to get in the hottest nightclub in town; only the beautiful get in -the beautiful of spirit.  St Peter would be the hugely muscled bouncer with the clipboard at the front door, and very few would automatically make the VIP list (Mother Theresa, John Paul II, whoever invented Viagra...)  You might find that just not being a dick only means you haven't made yourself uglier.  The thing that will really count is have you been beautiful, which would make you beautiful -again, in spirit.

But if the nightclub analogy is too tacky for the heaven lover in you then I've got another.  Why not, nobody really knows what it'll be like so one imagining is as good as another.

What if it’s done more like the NFL draft where your good plays (in college) are weighed against your bad?  Your touchdowns count for a lot, but so do your fumbles.  Even Walter Peyton fumbled once in a while, but his touchdowns far outnumbered them.  We should learn from that example.  He’s in the Pro Football Hall of Fame AND heaven (probably). 

Keep it in mind for those times you just can't help being bad.  For every time you fart in your boss’s coffee cup you’d better make damn sure you help a few old ladies cross the street.  And if there’s only one old lady then help her cross a couple of streets whether she wants you to or not.  Even if it takes her out of her way.  Tell her Matlock’s in town doing a book signing a few blocks away, she’ll go.

So how else can one stock up on touchdowns?  Glad you asked.  The opportunities are legion, but you have to go further than simply not being a dick.  You need to go that extra mile;

I'm not saying you have to cure cancer.  Let's be real, you're probably not smart enough.  Although if you are you should definitely go for it.  You'll get fortune and fame here now, and absolutely get in up there later.

For everybody else simple opportunities abound.  Go on a date with somebody a full point or two below you on the ten-scale, but without making them feel it.  No need to go for an absurd disparity –like a Julia Roberts/Lyle Lovett match, unless you really want some prime real estate in the afterlife.  Let’s say George Clooney stopped dating models and married Susan Boyle.  He’d get a house in Mother Theresa’s Cul de Sac, maybe a nice expanded colonial next to John Paul II’s three story Victorian.

What else would help?

Let her hold the remote.  Every night. (might as well get used to GLEE and GREY'S ANATOMY)

Let him host/go to poker nights.  Without complaints.  (extra points for serving finger sandwiches or homemade dip) (extra, extra points for getting all dolled up so he looks like a stud and his friends get jealous)

I'm sure you have suggestions of your own, let's hear 'em!
And if you liked this post and this site please pass it to whomever you think will enjoy it -the more the merrier.  It'll definitely count as one of your good deeds -might even put you over the top. (better to send it to two or three people, just to be safe)

How to get into heaven

(part I of at least II or III -we'll see)

  Just don't be a dick.  Done.  Shortest blog post ever.

  Too bad it's not that easy.  Why?  Because sometimes it can't be helped and so much of it is perspective.
  Let's say you're choosing between would be girlfriends/boyfriends, or job applicants, or older pets on their last day at the kill shelter.  Horrible choice to have to make, Sophie knows.  You're the savior for whomever you pick.  But no matter how fair you try to be about it, to the one(s) you didn't pick you're the dick.
  You can't adopt every pet, hire everyone who needs a job or date every lonely woman.  Believe me, I've tried.  It's expensive and exhausting.  And you don't get even laid as much as you think you should for all that effort, unless of course you use a casting couch as a routine part of the hiring process (or dating process, or adopting process) in which cases you are definately the dick.  And God hates dicks, don't doubt that.

  All of the above may be accidental dickery (except that couch business, of course) which shouldn't be held against you, not if you were in an impossible situation wherein somebody's going to get screwed no matter which way you slice it.  This is the kind of spot in which most people would say "I don't want to play God"  And I have to ask, why not?  Don't be so spineless.  This is your chance to put a little justice in the world and feel good about it.  Embrace the power.  It doesn't happen that often.

  If you're choosing between job applicants and one is more qualified and experienced but the other is a single mom with desperate eyes, who would you choose?  If you're choosing between women to date and one's prettier but stuck-up while the other is plainer but sweet as pie, who would you choose?

  I put these conundrums before a guy I know, let's call him Richard, and asked him to adjudicate.  He had no problem playing God.  "That's easy, and it's the same answer in both cases.  Take the one with the big tits."  Okay, that's just Richard being, well, Richard.  Then he asked if the dating contestants had good jobs "So they can, you know, contribute."  Richard likes to go dutch.  Then he asked if he could meet whichever one I didn't choose, not understanding what 'hypothetical' means.  And he wonders why I won't introduce him to my sister.

  The bottom line is that life is going to hand you a lot of choices that greatly impact other people's lives.  Don't be a dick (if you can help it) or you might find yourself hanging out with a bunch of Richards come rapture time.  Speaking of which...

Next time: 
So how is this Rapture thingy run?  Not like the Blondie song, right?  Is it like the NFL draft?  And if not being a dick is the main criteria, how will it go for those who are kind to dicks, like Paris Hilton?  Do sluts earn a special dispensation for all the individual joy they bring?  I'll tell you what I'd do... If I were God.