AS IF -(Knucklehead's blogoff round 2)

Why do people ask Him for things they shouldn't have?  Why do they think they'll get them?

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As always, If I Were God appreciates comments, ad-clicks and sharing of His articles.  He sees all; disappoint Him not.

God's own Christmas list

I’ll wager it’s never even occurred to most of you that He should be getting the presents on His birthday, not us.  We’ve had it bass ackwards all this time!  It’s only His birthday after all.  How would you like it if people threw a huge party on your birthday only so they could give each other presents right in front of you, but none to you.  “Happy Melvin’s birthday, Sue!  I got you a little something… wanna kiss me under this hanging plant in Melvin’s kitchen?” 

How bad would that suck?  On top of the obvious liability of having a name like Melvin, you have to stand there emasculated while everyone else gets gifts, gets drunk, and (at least one) gets Susan.  And this happens every year.  The final insult after getting your name dropped from the gifting list is hearing more and more people drop your name from the birthday greeting itself every year; “Happy Birthday Holiday, Sue!  Wanna blow me under this plant? (or something more subtle)”

ENOUGH!  We owe Him a gift, and you’re all chipping in.  Got that?  Okay.

Now, what would the Supreme Being want on His birthday?

Peace on earth and goodwill towards men -obvious of course, but wrong.  Let's give the all-knowing a little credit.  You have to figure He knows us better than that by now.  If we've never had a year without armed conflict ever (and we haven't) then we're not going to all wake up tomorrow with a sudden planet wide Amish disposition, and He knows it.  Millennia of experience with us have to make it obvious that change, when and if it comes, comes incrementally.  And those increments come sloooowwwwly.  Beyond that one must factor in our trademark three-steps-forward, two-steps-back approach to progress.  With all that in mind, His wish list is likely a study in lowered expectations.  I can think of three right off the bat that I think He'd appreciate.  Feel free to comment below and suggest more!

GOD'S OWN (not so) OFFICIAL

CHRISTMAS LIST

1. Pieces of the earth show less ill will towards some men (and hopefully some women too).

That's at least within the realm of possibility.  The vague phrasing should help us get started.  I myself will stop letting my dog drop doodie on anybody's lawn, even that IRS auditor from down the block (at least for a while).  Now my piece of the earth is already less ill'n.  See?  It's easy.

2. Less abuse of His name as an expression of anger.

We should find a substitute for "Jesus Effin' Christ!" in times of great pain, e.g. when we catch our scrotum in a zipper or hear a sound byte from Sarah Palin.  The implication of sex on His part is a dubious assumption at best.  He's not Zeus, He doesn't come here to get laid.  The next time we have a scrotal 911 mishap maybe we can try "Effin' Lindsay Lohan!" instead; this at least has a high probability of being true at any given moment anyway.

3. Less jumping to conclusions and assuming the worst of each other.

We all make mistakes at least half of which are honest ones.  Let’s be sure there’s ill intent in another's actions before we take action ourselves. E.g. If somebody you don’t recognize is trying to gain entrance to your house, don’t brain him with a baseball bat right off.  Give him a chance to explain himself.  He might just be a tipsy neighbor coming back from nailing Sue at a party and mistakenly stumbled to the wrong house.  But if he’s dressed head to toe in red with white trim and starts Ho-ho-hoing, lay that bat on him like you’re Mickey freakin’ Mantle.  This whole damn thing is his fault in the first place.

 Merry CHRISTmas to all!

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AIDS: a test of straight souls, Not a punishment for gay ones

AIDS in the world doesn't mean He hates gays

if you thought that then it might be time to reappraise

feline leukemia doesn't mean He hates cats

any more than making bats blind means He hates bats
.
babies can die of cancer, low birth weight, or SIDS

do you hear all that and think that He hates kids?

so if you believe you figured out His divine plan

then you're a nominee for world's dumbest man
.
don't double guess the shepherd on how He tends his sheep

when and why He calls them back is a secret He will keep

maybe He's redoing heaven but doesn't have time to shop

so He needs some good designers to really make it pop
.
maybe it's a test to see who's kind or cruel

who'll be a Mother Theresa, and who will act the fool

if you really knew it all then you'd be sitting in His spot

but of course then you'd be Him, when clearly you are not

Would you make a good Angel –OF DEATH?

It's a very hard position to keep filled.  Turnover's a real problem.  For every drug lord or pedophile to slaughter (the fun part) there's three dozen kindly grandma's to, um, 'process' as well.  So recruitment efforts now extend to the still-living.  It’s a very demanding job requiring a unique combination of skills.  But if you’re really interested and think you can hack it (there is quite a lot of hacking involved, actually) you can take this suitability test before formally applying.  Consider each question and pick the answer that best describes you, circle (or jot down on a pad) the number for each answer then add them all up and check your score.

A.  How good are you with a blade?

1. Not very; I cut myself whilst shaving, buttering toast, opening mail…

2. Somewhat; I can cut the head off broccoli, a fish, an infidel... whatever you need.

3. Very; I've lots of time to practice with my (renaissance fair) sword since I don’t have a girlfriend.

4. Awesome; I was a professional ninja for Halliburton until my job got outsourced to India .

B.  Have you ever struck another person with intent to harm?

1. No, of course not!  I don’t like these questions.  Where’s the link to Icanhascheezeburger?

2. Nightly; shooting, stabbing, tire-ironing, running over hookers -GrandTheftAuto counts, right?

3. Only children.  I am a nanny.

4. Only minorities.  I am a policeman.

C.  How empathetic are you?

1.  Totally; I feel your pain like Bill Clinton feels intern boobies.  -With a blinding intensity.

2.  Mostly; almost as deeply as a thoughtful Latina , but less than a Supreme Court justice.

3.  Somewhat;  I tried to make a living as a dominatrix, but can only stand it part time now.

4.  Not at all; after 10 years at the IRS I did prisoner relations at Abu Ghraib until it closed.

D.  How resistant to begging or bribing are you?

1.  Mmmm… depends on how many inputs are being offered.  3 is best.

2.  Somewhat; but you’d better have a really good story and look good on your knees.

3.  Not very; you’d have to be on the verge of curing cancer before I’d let you off the hook.

4.  I want to kill you just for asking.  Where’s my sword?

E.  How good are you at working alone?

1. Not at all.  I was hoping it would be a death-squad/wiki-group type gig.

2. Somewhat; sometimes I won’t share my tractor in Farmville unless I'm really shit-faced.

3. Very; I am a liberal intellectual and gay sculptor in central Alabama . Thank God for Facebook.

4. Completely; I play World of Warcraft all night, when not masturbating.  Sometimes when.

             Check Your Score

<11     So little backbone it’s a wonder you can
           stand.  Go get your Snuggie and carton
           of  Mallomars and go watch Glee.  You
           know you want to.

11-15  You have the heart but not the ability
            -yet. If you really want a shot at this
            position later on, go get a job in cor-
            rections (Texas or North Korea only)
            and work your way up to noose-
            tightener.

16-20   Not quite 'Angel of Death' material,
            but there’s always the less demanding
            position of 'Angel of Wishing for Death'.
            Somebody’s got to bring the hemorr-
            hoids and menstrual cramps.

21+     Ooh.  The dark side is strong in this
           one…  Whenever you're ready,
            Mr Cheney.

As always, If I Were God appreciates comments, ad-clicks and sharing of His articles.  He sees all; disappoint Him not.

Thou Shalt Not Be Scum

There's a lot of awful things one should never do in this life.  At the top of that list, right after genocide, is pedophilia.  Phychologists might argue that it's a symptom of a mental disorder (but nothing half a million volts in a specially designed chair couldn't cure) and not the conscious choice of the perpetrator.

What clearly is a choice is writing and self-publishing a how-to book for pedophiles.  Now the subject of death threats, police investigation (and protection) is author Phillip Ray Greaves for his 'seminal' work  “The Pedophile’s Guide To Love And Pleasure”, available until like yesterday on Amazon.  I cannot imagine what would posses anybody with the brain power to author a book to use that skill to help pedophiles to not get caught.  Perhaps he just finished reading a how-to book himself, "How to write a book so vile the mere subject matter would make people want to kill you". (Also available on Amazon)

As you may know from earlier posts I am a big fan of a smiting God.  He hasn't done it in a while, at least not in the big splashy way He used to, but I'd like to lobby for a special come-back of it, like the McRib.  We just need to see one every once in a while.

Since there is currently no commandment like "Thou Shalt not molest children", and certainly no "Thou Shalt not aid and abet the molesting of children"  I'd like to propose a catch-all commandment for all such crimes and how-to manuals.  Thou Shalt Not Be Scum.

The good news is that this Phillip Ray Greaves is ruined for life now.  Even if the DA cannot find a way to charge him with something, the stink of this will follow him forever.  By which I mean this life and the next.  Nobody will want to know him, date him, sleep with him... even in hell he'll probably need his own private pit of boiling lava when none of the other inmates will bunk with him.  Misery loves company, but he'll burn alone.

You can even pray for great SEX -if you come correct

If I were god I would certainly be a just and benevolent ruler of all things.   Generous to a fault, even. -though really, who would dare fault me?  Neitzsche, shut yer hole!  But that doesn’t mean I don’t need to see a little effort.  Make yourself stand out a little.  I too crave entertainment.  You have a request?  Earn it, baby.

  I pray to thee my only god

  With a request that’s a little odd

  You alone do I faithfully follow

  Could you please convince my wife to swallow

See?  Now that’s a prayer I’d feel good about answering.

But a nifty rhyme doesn’t automatically mean you’ll get what you want either.  Especially if you ask for something inherently evil.  For example;

Dear God, so smart, so strong and so nice

I’d like to ask a favor if I might

Could You make the Giants fumble once or twice

So my team can beat them on Monday Night

Firstly and foremostly there will be no divine action taken against the NY Giants for any reason.  Just know that and don’t forget it.  And they’re quite experienced at screwing up their own seasons without any outside help anyway. 

Secondly (and secondmostly) I could not claim to be a benevolent god if I went around causing undeserved fumbles in the NFL.  It’s just wrong and I’ve got a rep to protect.

Except for the Cowboys.  They can fumble.  They might be America’s team, but they’d be this God’s rented mule. (Judging by the current season, they’re everybody’s rented mule)

Thirdly (and thirdmostly) you’re so much better off approaching your problems from a positive angle.  Rather than asking for divine intervention to make the Giants somehow fail, for example, you should ask for divine guidance to somehow make yourself less of a douche.  That, I’d be willing to help you with.

So send in your prayers and if they're good, and in iambic pentameter (that's a Shakespearian rhyming pattern for all you Jersey Shore fans out there) I'd not only post your prayers, I'd grant them -if I were God or had His powers.*

*author is neither God nor possesed of any god-like powers.  Author's actual powers of creation are limited to unwanted nitrogen gas from one end, and mediocre satire he's far too self-impressed with out the other.

In the beginning...

...there was only the headers above and empty fields below.  Yet all about was blankness.  Yea did I, being a Load, cry out from the blankness "Let there be write!"  And lo the Good Load did write for six days and six nights (on and off).  And looking down from the headers upon all he had written, the Load saw that it was good.  Except for a few misspellings.  And an over-developed sense of the dramatic.  And a pompous tendancy for self-glorification... -but other than that, yea the Load did see that it was good.  And on the seventh day the Good Load did rest.  For it was Sunday, and the NY Giants kick off at 1.  Amen, praised be the Load.

Some might think it's unfair to compare creating a blog from scratch to creating, uh, creation from scratch but I think it's harder.  For one thing I have a ton of restrictions and limitations hemming in my creativity.  God didn't have to deal with any pop-up windows saying "those dinosaurs cannot be placed here as they will freeze and die out during the ice ages.  You must first reconfigure either their ability to maintain their own internal temperatures or recalibrate the planetary climate range..."  No, He just put down the this-a-saurus here and the that-a-saurus there and walked away.  If it didn't work out that was their hard luck (ending up as gasoline-a-saruses).  By then He had moved on to his new hobby of landscaping, garden design and overy restrictive regulations on fruit consumption. 

I'll get no such free pass and will instead have to endure comparisons to any number of other blogs, vlogs and internet offerings.  Somebody is sure to comment that I'm not as funny as that site with pictures of tiny kittens in hats, or even tinier kittens in tea cups or yet tinier hat-wearing tea cups inside kittens (?) or whatever the thinking-challenged find funny these days when Jersey Shore isn't on. 

On the other hand whatever God made had to be considered great because there was nothing to compare it to.  It demanded worship based on its unprecedentedness alone.  Kind of like the awe Henry Ford must have basked in when he rolled out the Model-T.  Do you know what that car was like?  No power steering, you had to crank it from the front to get it to start, top speed of 18mph, engine smoke blew right into the front seat, no radio, CD player, air conditioning, windshield wipers, power anything... yet with nothing to compare it to it was considered a chariot of the gods.  You couldn't give a car like that away today; not even a one-legged shoeless convict in the midst of a prison break would take it.  "No thanks, I'll just hop."

That's what brought about this blog.  I want to tell all of you, and humbly suggest to Him if He's reading, about all the upgrades and fixes I'd bring to this Model-T of a world to make it into the butterfly-doored pewter Maserati of a world I think it could still be molded into -If I were God.