Friday, October 29, 2010

You can even pray for great SEX -if you come correct

If I were god I would certainly be a just and benevolent ruler of all things.   Generous to a fault, even. -though really, who would dare fault me?  Neitzsche, shut yer hole!  But that doesn’t mean I don’t need to see a little effort.  Make yourself stand out a little.  I too crave entertainment.  You have a request?  Earn it, baby.

  I pray to thee my only god
  With a request that’s a little odd
  You alone do I faithfully follow
  Could you please convince my wife to swallow

See?  Now that’s a prayer I’d feel good about answering.
But a nifty rhyme doesn’t automatically mean you’ll get what you want either.  Especially if you ask for something inherently evil.  For example;

Dear God, so smart, so strong and so nice
I’d like to ask a favor if I might
Could You make the Giants fumble once or twice
So my team can beat them on Monday Night

Firstly and foremostly there will be no divine action taken against the NY Giants for any reason.  Just know that and don’t forget it.  And they’re quite experienced at screwing up their own seasons without any outside help anyway. 
Secondly (and secondmostly) I could not claim to be a benevolent god if I went around causing undeserved fumbles in the NFL.  It’s just wrong and I’ve got a rep to protect.
Except for the Cowboys.  They can fumble.  They might be America’s team, but they’d be this God’s rented mule. (Judging by the current season, they’re everybody’s rented mule)
Thirdly (and thirdmostly) you’re so much better off approaching your problems from a positive angle.  Rather than asking for divine intervention to make the Giants somehow fail, for example, you should ask for divine guidance to somehow make yourself less of a douche.  That, I’d be willing to help you with.

So send in your prayers and if they're good, and in iambic pentameter (that's a Shakespearian rhyming pattern for all you Jersey Shore fans out there) I'd not only post your prayers, I'd grant them -if I were God or had His powers.*

*author is neither God nor possesed of any god-like powers.  Author's actual powers of creation are limited to unwanted nitrogen gas from one end, and mediocre satire he's far too self-impressed with out the other.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

In the beginning...

...there was only the headers above and empty fields below.  Yet all about was blankness.  Yea did I, being a Load, cry out from the blankness "Let there be write!"  And lo the Good Load did write for six days and six nights (on and off).  And looking down from the headers upon all he had written, the Load saw that it was good.  Except for a few misspellings.  And an over-developed sense of the dramatic.  And a pompous tendancy for self-glorification... -but other than that, yea the Load did see that it was good.  And on the seventh day the Good Load did rest.  For it was Sunday, and the NY Giants kick off at 1.  Amen, praised be the Load.

Some might think it's unfair to compare creating a blog from scratch to creating, uh, creation from scratch but I think it's harder.  For one thing I have a ton of restrictions and limitations hemming in my creativity.  God didn't have to deal with any pop-up windows saying "those dinosaurs cannot be placed here as they will freeze and die out during the ice ages.  You must first reconfigure either their ability to maintain their own internal temperatures or recalibrate the planetary climate range..."  No, He just put down the this-a-saurus here and the that-a-saurus there and walked away.  If it didn't work out that was their hard luck (ending up as gasoline-a-saruses).  By then He had moved on to his new hobby of landscaping, garden design and overy restrictive regulations on fruit consumption. 

I'll get no such free pass and will instead have to endure comparisons to any number of other blogs, vlogs and internet offerings.  Somebody is sure to comment that I'm not as funny as that site with pictures of tiny kittens in hats, or even tinier kittens in tea cups or yet tinier hat-wearing tea cups inside kittens (?) or whatever the thinking-challenged find funny these days when Jersey Shore isn't on. 

On the other hand whatever God made had to be considered great because there was nothing to compare it to.  It demanded worship based on its unprecedentedness alone.  Kind of like the awe Henry Ford must have basked in when he rolled out the Model-T.  Do you know what that car was like?  No power steering, you had to crank it from the front to get it to start, top speed of 18mph, engine smoke blew right into the front seat, no radio, CD player, air conditioning, windshield wipers, power anything... yet with nothing to compare it to it was considered a chariot of the gods.  You couldn't give a car like that away today; not even a one-legged shoeless convict in the midst of a prison break would take it.  "No thanks, I'll just hop."

That's what brought about this blog.  I want to tell all of you, and humbly suggest to Him if He's reading, about all the upgrades and fixes I'd bring to this Model-T of a world to make it into the butterfly-doored pewter Maserati of a world I think it could still be molded into -If I were God.