Monday, June 27, 2011

How to get RICH and HAPPY in America part II


You have to get on a show first, of course.  The way in, the 'pearly gates' to this heaven if you will, is the interview.  You must nail it like Tommy Lee on Pam Anderson.  The key to this is sincerity.  Not "I hope the new crop programs can finally end the starvation in Africa" sincere -reasonable empathy is not marketable and has no place here.  You want "America will love me because I'm REAL -and I don't take no shit from nobody" sincerity.  See?  That people will watch.  If you ghetto slide your head back and forth on 'see' they'll even put you in the promo.  Then you're IN baby.

Season 2 Jersey Shore Cast
Talented: NO      Intelligent: HELL NO      Rich, happy & on TV: FUCK YEAH!
Once on the show it's vital to keep your priorities straight.  This is not about winning.  That might take true talent at a skill that has meaning and value to the world and years of dedication to develop that skill to championship levels.  Even if you had the talent (yeah, right), who has the time?  Much easier to jackass your way there. 
Winning is not the most rewarding goal.  Being talked about is.  You want to be remembered beyond the length of the show and have people salivating over what wild thing you’ll say or do next.  Be unpredictable and unreasonable.  You don’t have to be batshit crazy, but it helps.  The more attention you get, good or bad, the better off you are.  It’s about screen time people.  Get it any way you can.  Remember, it's just like publicity -there’s no such thing as 'bad' screen time.  Get drunk.  Get laid.  Get punched in the face.  It all works.

Crazy stories from the past are always a big winner.  Parents who were either addicts or celebrities (preferably both) are a great start.  But if you lacked the foresight to have that set up ahead of time you can still say it's true.  What if somebody checks up on it in Wikipedia and you're not really Frank Sinatra & Whoopie Goldberg's love child?  So much the better.  Your debunking and confrontation means more screen time and a well-played tearful admission/apology can be pure gold. 

I cannot overstate the value of being addicted to something.  Not drugs necessarily -that's been done to death.  Something exotic.  There's a woman who's addicted to eating furniture.  Yes, you read that right.  Eating furniture.  Completely ingested a few chairs and couches.  Not in one 'sitting' of course -c'mon!  And don't pick this if it's going to interfere with your current eating disorder; you can't be bulimic and a couch glutton at the same time.  Too rough on the system.   You won't even make it to the season finale, never mind season two or -Gods be praised- a spinoff of your own.

If even self-victimization is beyond your meager skills there's always molesting to fall back on.  That one never gets old.


Not by being a molester -although that will get you on Oprah if you confess.  But by being molested.  That you can get some mileage out of.  Had a wholesome rape-free childhood?  That is a disadvantage, but it can be overcome.  You can 'remember' one that was 'repressed'.  Talk show hosts loooove that, and so do their audiences.  It helps them remember their own as the reasons they're unrich, untalented, unhappy and unsigned to any shows TV themselves.

Oprah always learns from the best.  Here she
is shown how to make touching look innocent.

Important: These epiphanies don't have to be real, just plausible.  Include phrases like "At first I thought uncle Jim was playing a game when he led me to the basement…"  The ultimate coup would be if you could lure an unsuspecting parent or grandparent to the stage with you for an ambush.  That opens an opportunity for the classic accusation/forgiveness arc.  It’s best if you have a writer phrase it for you but it can be something as simple as “I remember the time you grabbed/fondled/penetrated me with a carrot/ladle/finger after Easter/Thanksgiving/Christmas dinner.  It’s what led to my obesity/various addictions/singing career.  I know you must be in denial about it –I was too!  But I remember now, and I forgive you.” 

All good stuff, but even that's starting to get old and is simply not enough anymore to ‘trend’ you on Twitter.  For that you need a little extra luck; maybe your stunned parents will go postal and throw a chair or their colostomy bag at you on camera. (I know, I know -the preferred projectile of actual postal workers is hot lead from pistol-grip assault rifles, not colostomy bags.  But that's only because they're professionals.  Amateurs must use whatever is handy.)  The ultimate would be if they have a stroke right then and there.  That shit would go viral in the first five minutes.  I cannot stress this enough:  It.  Would.  Make.  You.

Alright, enough coaching.  Get out there already.  America is waiting.

As always, If I Were God appreciates comments, ad-clicks and sharing of His articles. 
He sees all; disappoint Him not.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

How to get RICH and HAPPY in America

Neither is easy to achieve, but both are within reach for anyone willing to do what it takes.  And both are well worth doing whatever it takes.  I know your attention spans are relatively short, so let's get right to it.

Fame = Rich = on TV

Fame + Rich + on TV = Happy

Let's start with RICH.  It helps to be born with money.  Being a Kennedy or even a Bush would help, but is not strictly required.  Hollywood or business tycoon parentage works just as well.  So choose your parents wisely -very important.  Already picked poor or middle-class (a/k/a soon2Bpoor) parents?  Poor planning on your part.  Have you learned nothing from Paris Hilton?

I'm so happy I could burst!

It helps to be born beautiful, but if you can't swing that any better than being born rich you must start by being honest with yourself.  You are a tragically flawed primate riddled with physical imperfections, body hair, inadequate breasts/penises, fat, cellulite, pimples, body odor, low intelligence, impotent rage and no marketable talents.  This is a very fortunate position to be in, it makes you a perfect reclamation project for reality TV.

Get yourself on a makeover reality show, pronto.  Your fame/wealth/beauty and duh *happiness* will all rise hand in hand.  If you're not quite fat or gross enough for this kind of show (again, poor planning people) then no other kind will take you either until you are fixed.  There's no market for a normal middle ground. 

If you're not repulsively obese you have to be rediculously gorgeous to be on TV.  This means you'll have to get waxed, plucked, pumped up, trimmed down and tanning-boothed on your own.  Remember, the way to wealth and happiness in America is media fame.  They don't hand that out to the fat and ugly.  If you're starting out as fugly (you did say you were American, right?), you must de-fugify or you'll never get cast in any other class of show.

Can't afford the gym/tanning memberships?  Car's in the shop so you can't drive to the gym?  Head for the local park. On the way you can hop over the homeless along the sidewalk as if they were hurdles.  Great exercise vaulting the but-for-the-grace-of-God-there-go-I set.  If they're considerate they'll have arranged themselves horizontally at 2 meter intervals.  Least they could do, really, for the use of our sidewalks and old shopping carts.  And don't let their plight slow your own momentum, YOU have a goal.  If you stop to give them money they'll only buy food with it.


Education and hard work. -a fool's paradise.  The unemployment lines are rife with PHD's and MBA's.  The more experience and education you have the more your multinational will save by outsourcing your job to India.  Plus they make you read all sort of books in college.  Who reads anymore?  I know.  You could have been spending that time getting an even tan and a tight sixpack.  TV has no use for farmer's tans and flabby abby's.  This is not the way to fame fortune & happiness; easier to win the lottery.

We already have a new light bulb.
Even this photo of it is already
copyrighted.  Just get on TV, ok?

Trying to get there by being a brilliant inventor is also an illusory scenario.  More new millionaires are made by game shows than innovation.  This is not the early 1900's where the field was wide open and access to markets was clear.  The routes to retail have been bought up and fenced off long ago by the current masters of industry.  You'd have to sell them your idea, and hope your lawyers closed enough loopholes in the contract so you don't get ripped off too badly.  Even so you'll only get a penny or two on the dollar, so bring a jar.  This is not the way; easier to get hit by lightning.

Write a book for your kid, let's say about a boy wizard and his adventures, and hope it becomes an international bestseller?  Are you kidding?  Nobody reads anymore.  The written word has migrated to Facebook memes and misspelled tweets, not original novels.  This is not the way; easier to get hit by lightning while winning the lottery.
And don't try to bypass TV fame and riches in an attempt to find happiness directly.  Meet somebody wonderful, fall in love, get married, raise a family and live a quiet life?  Bor-ring.  Yes, you might luck into an Oxycontin addiction and get to go to rehab.  But it won’t be Dr Drew rehab –you’ll be neither rich nor famous.  Ergo, not happyYes, you might have the support of a loving family to give you the strength to recover and reclaim your ‘life’, but it won’t be real happiness -or a real life.  You’re not even on TV.  Get with it.

How to work your new reality show
Molestation - the 'fondle' way to fame

As always, If I Were God appreciates comments, ad-clicks and sharing of His articles. 
He sees all; disappoint Him not.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Go easy on the Weiner

He's had a rough couple of weeks, taking a beating every day as it were.  He's been a stand up guy up before this mess splashed all over our screens and the media spurted every new detail as it came.  But to his credit he's still standing tall, head erect, chin thrust out and refusing to go down.  I don't care what you say, that takes balls.  Hopefully this tawdry episode has reached it's climax.  He's beginning to wilt, after pouring it all out there as he has, he's starting to run out of juice.

He'll go down soon, it's inevitable.  He's almost certainly blown his chance for re-election in the immediate future, but did he piss away his entire career?  Will Weiner rise again?  Or just swing limply in the wind? I think he has a chance to resurrect himself, but not until after we've all had a good rest.  A nice sandwich and little nap wouldn't hurt either.

Some weiners are just meant to be shared.
 Many would ask 'why should we give this creep a break?'.  I have a better question, 'why should you care?'.  He's not your spiritual advisor, your baby sitter or your therapist.  Your personal life and his are completely separate.  His wife should care.  But that's their private business.  Bill Clinton didn't respect his marriage either, but it didn't keep him from being a good president who left us with a nice budget surplus when his terms were over.

Compare that to the devout monogamist who followed him and gave us a very costly war begun under false pretenses and irresponsible spending that put us in the deepest financial hole the US has ever been in.  It's very clear to me that sexual proclivities and leadership qualities are mutually independent traits.

The worst thing about this whole mess in the inordinate coverage on the part of the media fed by the inordinate interest on the part of the public. If you don't know or need to know the private sex lives of your doctors and dentists, who have their hands in your mouth and other orifices, then why would you need to know about that aspect of your politicans' lives?  Does not the bloody upheaval in the middle east or the possible start of the second half of a double dip recession deserve more attention?

Methinks it's high time the body politic pulled it's head from its ass, or Weiner's pants as the case may be, and refocus attention of things that need it.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

What if it HAD been the end of the world? What's next?

While it is unlikely the zombies will dance in unison when they come,
it is highly probably that the gloved one will lead them if they do.

  The end might be a good thing.  Not for you of course –not with all the fire from the skies, rivers of smoking lava and flesh-eating zombies chasing you down.

  But good for the face of the earth.  If you think of people as pimples (as I often do) then the end of the world is really just like a long overdue ProActiv treatment.  It worked for Jessica Simpson (also somewhat spherical, but a nice clean face).

  The world would have a chance to start over.  Think of the possibilities…
The new version could be anything God wanted.

  If you think of God as an artist, does He go through phases like say Picasso, seeming to have a different personality with each incarnation?  What new vision would be realized?

  An all water world is an interesting option.  The people would have to be Mer, of course (mermaids and mermen).  But if it didn't work out for any reason He’d need a new ‘screw everything’ mechanism since 40 days of rain would hardly be noticed.  There probably wouldn’t even be a word for ‘flood’.  What would it mean? 
  Maybe a giant cork at the lowest point on the bottom, which would allow Him to literally pull the plug if He really got pissed.  “And it drained for 40 days and 40 nights until all the land was uncovered and all the wicked perished, drying in the unwater.”  Maybe He’d have a devout old merman build a giant pool and gather 2 of every fish, to start over later on.

Not such a stupid movie now, right?
  But He’d have to forgo His favorite rite of homage; it’s hard to burn sacrifices on an underwater alter.  It kind of makes the allure of a water world, uh, evaporate.  Fortunately there’s still an endless array of land options.

  He could start out with his original plan but instead of icing the dinosaurs He could evolve them into the new people.  Massive grazing behemoths complaining about the weather and their noisy neighbors in between dumpster sized bites of food.  Kind of like the show Mike & Molly, except everybody’s like that but with scales and tails.
Graze with me?
  It could be anything really.  It makes me wonder what the next incarnation would be if His tastes were like some bloggers I know.

  What if He’s like Fred?  The earth would be an idyllic forest glade overrun with talking dogs, naked people dancing and singing and all the flora would be smokeable. (which as we all know promotes naked dancing and singing.  It can’t just be me.)

  What if He’s like Nicky?  Most everything would be made of cheese, even the animals.  Cheddar cheetahs would be chasing down Gouda gazelles. Parmesan pumas would climb after mozzarella macaws.  I don’t know how sustainable such a world would be (it would sure smell funny and of course everybody would be constipated within the first week) but you know she’d try.

  If it were up to Linda we'd be back to the water world idea, just so she could get her mitts on some Nigerian sailors.  To each his own, as they say.

  What if He's like YOU?  What would the next creation be like?

As always, If I Were God appreciates comments, ad-clicks and sharing of His articles. 
He sees all; disappoint Him not.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Is your guardian angel screwing you?

Sometimes it takes an accident to give one a new perspective on the world in which you used to live.
If civil service jobs in heaven are handled in any way like they're handled down here, then YES.

This is not to say that civil servants flat out don't care.  I think most must to some degree. (or nothing would ever get done) I'm saying their patience is limited and they're only willing to go so far.  It's unwise to expect too much.  The DMV is not the first class section on an airliner.  To wit, your guardian angel is not your flight attendant.

Anyone who expects him to be is in for a rough landing.  These false (and later crushed) expectations play out in many areas of life.  Dangerous recreational activities is one of the more obvious ones.

Let's say you're skiing on the advanced slope when you really should still be on the bunny.  And you break your fool leg.  Does that mean your guardian angel slipped up?  Probably not.  You could have been impaled on the pointy branch a few yards further downhill.  So maybe he let you off easy with just a broken leg.

Coulda been worse.  You're welcome.
Couldn't he have just given you a scare instead, like a frothy tumble but no broken bones?  Yes, but you'd forget that within the hour.  You've already forgotten you shouldn't be on the advanced slope in the first place.  And you still think you should have gotten off with a warning?  Does he really owe you that?  Remember that little sickly fear tickle in your stomach you ignored when you were at the top?  That was him!  You knew then you didn't belong on that hill.  But nooooo, you had to jump in feet first (then head first, then feet again...)

So maybe it's not that your guardian angel is screwing you.  He's just not babying you. 
You're screwing you.  The summer's here (at least in the northern hemisphere) and there's plenty of ways to get yourself hurt or worse; jet skiing, parasailing, snorkeling, water skiing...  Yes, they're all fun, but they're all "at your own risk" too -just remember the key words: YOUR RISK
(it means the same in heaven and on earth -you're on your own dude.)

As always, If I Were God appreciates comments, ad-clicks and sharing of His articles. 
He sees all; disappoint Him not.