Monday, November 29, 2010

Tips for Life (ages 6-10)

A year by year guide of Do’s and Don’ts

DON’T keep clinging to your little electric car.  If you haven’t learned to ride a bike by now you’d better get on it, literally.  And get those training wheels off as soon as you can.  Wear kneepads if you’re scared.  You don’t want to be the only kid in school who can’t ride a bike.

DO resist the urge to make fun of the kid who can’t ride a bike.  That could’ve easily been you.  The crowd will always pick on the weak kid, or the nerdy kid.  But they often make the best, most loyal friends.  You never know which undersized clumsy kid in glasses will be the next Bill Gates.  Not a bad friend to have.

DON’T skip any school trips, especially the zoo, museum, or aquarium.  Forge the permission slip if you have too.   Not only are they fun places to go, there’s an opportunity on the way too;  When they pair you up (so nobody wanders off or falls in the lion pit) position yourself next to that little cutie you like.  You’ll get to hold that soft little hand all day long.

DO try tee-ball.  It’s the easiest sport they have; ball just sits there on a stick.  Being on a school team early is the key to so many things.  But if you suck, it’s best to know it early.  You can start learning guitar or piano, it’ll up your cool.  The opposite sex won’t always seem so icky (if you haven’t grown out of that already.)

DON’T Obsess over your first cell phone.  Yes, it's cool but it's not life.  Life is what happens when you're not staring at a screen.  Except for this screen.   This screen tells you about life; always feel good about coming back to this blog for a good laugh and good advice.  -For which you're welcome, but it wouldn't kill you to click an ad or two while you're here either.  I get paid for that.

DO pay attention to the school lessons on supply and demand.  You'll learn the value of bringing a bag of cookies or chips to share and handing them out with a smile like you’re running for mayor.  If you can supply the goodies, you can demand respect and attention. (just don't come off as desperate)
DON’T be so quick to follow the 'cool' kids.  They're just as dumb as you are.  Sooner or later one of them  will ask you if you know about sexting.  Tell them you do, and it's how you get cooties.  Don't go near them again; they already have cooties.

DO act as cool as you need to in order to fit in, but never believe your own PR.  You're not that hip; you still like knock-knock jokes and you still have skid marks in your underpants.

DON’T laugh so hard in your first sex ed class that you miss the lesson.  You have your whole life to laugh at penis and vagina jokes, they're not going anywhere.  In fact, they'll get funnier when you really understand them.  But for now, pay attention in there.  It's great for staying un-pregnant.

DO enjoy still being a kid.  The internet age is making kids older younger.  That's not a typo.  Think on it.  Enjoy your fast disappearing childhood while you still have it.  Savor the flavor of it; it's like life's own virginity once it's gone, it's gone.

Hope you enjoyed that!  If you did, your share buttons are below.  This blog is still young and small, but you can help it to grow.  Under that is the 'Tips' post for ages 'fetus to five'.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Tips for Life (from fetus to five)

Some Key Do’s and Don’ts

       (Even though you haven’t been born
       yet there’s still a few you could use)
DON’T kick and punch in there like you’re Jackie Chan.  That heavy bag you’re pummeling is your mom and you’re going to need her after this.  A lot.

DO enjoy the hell out of your non-demanding solitude.  You will never.  Ever.  Have it again.

DON’T be colicky if you can at all help it.  If you exhaust your parents too early in the game they won’t have much left in the tank later.  You’re going to need that goodwill during potty training.

DO take your time to get your bearings.  It’s a huge complicated world out there, and most of it doesn’t make sense.  Call it unintelligent design.

DON’T be in such a hurry to start walking.  It will lead to less personal service from your caregivers and more “You can get it yourself.”  That’s a slippery slope, my friend.

DO fling as much food around as you can safely get away with.  There’s only a short time window between learning the throwing motion and when it’s no longer cute, enjoy it.

DON’T keep sticking everything you can into your mouth.  Your improved mobility and climbing will put many non-food items in the house within reach.  Very easy to kill yourself off this way but you’d be missing the best stuff which comes later.  If you must, eat crayons.

DO watch Sesame Street whenever it’s on.  It’s fun, all the other kids do, and you’ll learn a few useful things about life and basic grammar.  You might hear some ugly rumors about Burt and Ernie later on.  Don’t believe any of it, they’re just puppets.  Not meat puppets, just puppets.

DON’T be too eager to show off your smarts so fast.  It could get you put into school early.  This will make your parents oh so proud, but some bigger kid will hit you and take your cookies.  Every day.

DO enjoy the hell out of cartoons.  You’re finally starting to get the cooler ones while you still have time to enjoy them for hours on end.  For now.  School’s right around the corner no matter how much you play dumb.  (No overdoing that either; they'll send you to a different school.  They'll make you wear a helmet.)

DON’T cry like a disgraced evangelist on your first day of school.  Yes, you’ll be the center of attention, but (lesson one) there’s good attention and there’s bad.  See?  Learning’s fun!

DO smile every time the teacher looks at you.  Win her heart.  She’ll claim she likes all her kids the same, but they all have their favorites.  And it’s a sweet, sweet life for the favorites.

Tips for Life ages 6-10 can be seen here.

As always, If I Were God appreciates comments, ad-clicks and sharing of His articles.  He sees all; disappoint Him not.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Would you make a good Angel –OF DEATH?

It's a very hard position to keep filled.  Turnover's a real problem.  For every drug lord or pedophile to slaughter (the fun part) there's three dozen kindly grandma's to, um, 'process' as well.  So recruitment efforts now extend to the still-living.  It’s a very demanding job requiring a unique combination of skills.  But if you’re really interested and think you can hack it (there is quite a lot of hacking involved, actually) you can take this suitability test before formally applying.  Consider each question and pick the answer that best describes you, circle (or jot down on a pad) the number for each answer then add them all up and check your score.

A.  How good are you with a blade?
1. Not very; I cut myself whilst shaving, buttering toast, opening mail…
2. Somewhat; I can cut the head off broccoli, a fish, an infidel... whatever you need.
3. Very; I've lots of time to practice with my (renaissance fair) sword since I don’t have a girlfriend.
4. Awesome; I was a professional ninja for Halliburton until my job got outsourced to India .

B.  Have you ever struck another person with intent to harm?
1. No, of course not!  I don’t like these questions.  Where’s the link to Icanhascheezeburger?
2. Nightly; shooting, stabbing, tire-ironing, running over hookers -GrandTheftAuto counts, right?
3. Only children.  I am a nanny.
4. Only minorities.  I am a policeman.

C.  How empathetic are you?
1.  Totally; I feel your pain like Bill Clinton feels intern boobies.  -With a blinding intensity.
2.  Mostly; almost as deeply as a thoughtful Latina , but less than a Supreme Court justice.
3.  Somewhat;  I tried to make a living as a dominatrix, but can only stand it part time now.
4.  Not at all; after 10 years at the IRS I did prisoner relations at Abu Ghraib until it closed.

D.  How resistant to begging or bribing are you?
1.  Mmmm… depends on how many inputs are being offered.  3 is best.
2.  Somewhat; but you’d better have a really good story and look good on your knees.
3.  Not very; you’d have to be on the verge of curing cancer before I’d let you off the hook.
4.  I want to kill you just for asking.  Where’s my sword?

E.  How good are you at working alone?
1. Not at all.  I was hoping it would be a death-squad/wiki-group type gig.
2. Somewhat; sometimes I won’t share my tractor in Farmville unless I'm really shit-faced.
3. Very; I am a liberal intellectual and gay sculptor in central Alabama . Thank God for Facebook.
4. Completely; I play World of Warcraft all night, when not masturbating.  Sometimes when.

             Check Your Score

<11     So little backbone it’s a wonder you can
           stand.  Go get your Snuggie and carton
           of  Mallomars and go watch Glee.  You
           know you want to.
11-15  You have the heart but not the ability
            -yet. If you really want a shot at this
            position later on, go get a job in cor-
            rections (Texas or North Korea only)
            and work your way up to noose-
16-20   Not quite 'Angel of Death' material,
            but there’s always the less demanding
            position of 'Angel of Wishing for Death'.
            Somebody’s got to bring the hemorr-
            hoids and menstrual cramps.
21+     Ooh.  The dark side is strong in this
           one…  Whenever you're ready,
            Mr Cheney.

As always, If I Were God appreciates comments, ad-clicks and sharing of His articles.  He sees all; disappoint Him not.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Thou Shalt Not Be Scum

There's a lot of awful things one should never do in this life.  At the top of that list, right after genocide, is pedophilia.  Phychologists might argue that it's a symptom of a mental disorder (but nothing half a million volts in a specially designed chair couldn't cure) and not the conscious choice of the perpetrator.

What clearly is a choice is writing and self-publishing a how-to book for pedophiles.  Now the subject of death threats, police investigation (and protection) is author Phillip Ray Greaves for his 'seminal' work  “The Pedophile’s Guide To Love And Pleasure”, available until like yesterday on Amazon.  I cannot imagine what would posses anybody with the brain power to author a book to use that skill to help pedophiles to not get caught.  Perhaps he just finished reading a how-to book himself, "How to write a book so vile the mere subject matter would make people want to kill you". (Also available on Amazon)

As you may know from earlier posts I am a big fan of a smiting God.  He hasn't done it in a while, at least not in the big splashy way He used to, but I'd like to lobby for a special come-back of it, like the McRib.  We just need to see one every once in a while.

Since there is currently no commandment like "Thou Shalt not molest children", and certainly no "Thou Shalt not aid and abet the molesting of children"  I'd like to propose a catch-all commandment for all such crimes and how-to manuals.  Thou Shalt Not Be Scum.

The good news is that this Phillip Ray Greaves is ruined for life now.  Even if the DA cannot find a way to charge him with something, the stink of this will follow him forever.  By which I mean this life and the next.  Nobody will want to know him, date him, sleep with him... even in hell he'll probably need his own private pit of boiling lava when none of the other inmates will bunk with him.  Misery loves company, but he'll burn alone.

Friday, November 12, 2010

...Beauty would be earned

This blog was created 3 weeks ago to be about upgrades for Creation, and it's time I got specific.

If I were God...
Beauty would be earned, not given out blindly at birth like some half-assed lottery.  All children would start out looking average.  The cooler you were to your fellow man, the better looking you'd get as you grew up.  The more of a dick you were, the more you'd look like my dog's ass.  (Can you imagine what Dick Cheney would look like now?  Eesh.)

[The above excerpt is from my forthcoming book "What if God is Cheating on Us?" coming soon to a website near you]

I think that's a perfect place to start the upgrading.  It not only rewards the good and punishes the bad, it's an external conscience, a needful thing as so many ignore their inner one.  You'd either wake up in the morning to find your pores are a little smaller and acne disappearing and you know "I must be doing alright".  OR you'd find that little spot on your nose has become a wart the size and general shape of Justin Beiber's head.  Then you'd know you've been a dick and it's time to change.  Once it starts singing, it's too late.

The other huge benefit is the good could spot the bad a mile away and know to keep away from them.  (For those without binoculars it might be only a hundred yards or so, but still...)  Cops chasing a masked bank robber who ducks into a store would just have to look everybody over once to know who to 'cuff  "You, with the teen sensation on your nose, put your hands up and turn around slowly!"

A good day in Creation 2.0 (Feel free to act as my review board, and let me know if you approve)

If you enjoyed this, please pass it on - the more the merrier!

Monday, November 8, 2010

How to get into Heaven - (part II)

In the afterlife Heaven's definitely the place to be and everyone will want in.  That being the case getting in might be as tough as trying to get in the hottest nightclub in town; only the beautiful get in -the beautiful of spirit.  St Peter would be the hugely muscled bouncer with the clipboard at the front door, and very few would automatically make the VIP list (Mother Theresa, John Paul II, whoever invented Viagra...)  You might find that just not being a dick only means you haven't made yourself uglier.  The thing that will really count is have you been beautiful, which would make you beautiful -again, in spirit.

But if the nightclub analogy is too tacky for the heaven lover in you then I've got another.  Why not, nobody really knows what it'll be like so one imagining is as good as another.

What if it’s done more like the NFL draft where your good plays (in college) are weighed against your bad?  Your touchdowns count for a lot, but so do your fumbles.  Even Walter Peyton fumbled once in a while, but his touchdowns far outnumbered them.  We should learn from that example.  He’s in the Pro Football Hall of Fame AND heaven (probably). 

Keep it in mind for those times you just can't help being bad.  For every time you fart in your boss’s coffee cup you’d better make damn sure you help a few old ladies cross the street.  And if there’s only one old lady then help her cross a couple of streets whether she wants you to or not.  Even if it takes her out of her way.  Tell her Matlock’s in town doing a book signing a few blocks away, she’ll go.

So how else can one stock up on touchdowns?  Glad you asked.  The opportunities are legion, but you have to go further than simply not being a dick.  You need to go that extra mile;

I'm not saying you have to cure cancer.  Let's be real, you're probably not smart enough.  Although if you are you should definitely go for it.  You'll get fortune and fame here now, and absolutely get in up there later.
For everybody else simple opportunities abound.  Go on a date with somebody a full point or two below you on the ten-scale, but without making them feel it.  No need to go for an absurd disparity –like a Julia Roberts/Lyle Lovett match, unless you really want some prime real estate in the afterlife.  Let’s say George Clooney stopped dating models and married Susan Boyle.  He’d get a house in Mother Theresa’s Cul de Sac, maybe a nice expanded colonial next to John Paul II’s three story Victorian.

What else would help?
Let her hold the remote.  Every night. (might as well get used to GLEE and GREY'S ANATOMY)
Let him host/go to poker nights.  Without complaints.  (extra points for serving finger sandwiches or homemade dip) (extra, extra points for getting all dolled up so he looks like a stud and his friends get jealous)

I'm sure you have suggestions of your own, let's hear 'em!
And if you liked this post and this site please pass it to whomever you think will enjoy it -the more the merrier.  It'll definitely count as one of your good deeds -might even put you over the top. (better to send it to two or three people, just to be safe)

Thursday, November 4, 2010

How to get into heaven

(part I of at least II or III -we'll see)

  Just don't be a dick.  Done.  Shortest blog post ever.

  Too bad it's not that easy.  Why?  Because sometimes it can't be helped and so much of it is perspective.
  Let's say you're choosing between would be girlfriends/boyfriends, or job applicants, or older pets on their last day at the kill shelter.  Horrible choice to have to make, Sophie knows.  You're the savior for whomever you pick.  But no matter how fair you try to be about it, to the one(s) you didn't pick you're the dick.
  You can't adopt every pet, hire everyone who needs a job or date every lonely woman.  Believe me, I've tried.  It's expensive and exhausting.  And you don't get even laid as much as you think you should for all that effort, unless of course you use a casting couch as a routine part of the hiring process (or dating process, or adopting process) in which cases you are definately the dick.  And God hates dicks, don't doubt that.

  All of the above may be accidental dickery (except that couch business, of course) which shouldn't be held against you, not if you were in an impossible situation wherein somebody's going to get screwed no matter which way you slice it.  This is the kind of spot in which most people would say "I don't want to play God"  And I have to ask, why not?  Don't be so spineless.  This is your chance to put a little justice in the world and feel good about it.  Embrace the power.  It doesn't happen that often.

  If you're choosing between job applicants and one is more qualified and experienced but the other is a single mom with desperate eyes, who would you choose?  If you're choosing between women to date and one's prettier but stuck-up while the other is plainer but sweet as pie, who would you choose?

  I put these conundrums before a guy I know, let's call him Richard, and asked him to adjudicate.  He had no problem playing God.  "That's easy, and it's the same answer in both cases.  Take the one with the big tits."  Okay, that's just Richard being, well, Richard.  Then he asked if the dating contestants had good jobs "So they can, you know, contribute."  Richard likes to go dutch.  Then he asked if he could meet whichever one I didn't choose, not understanding what 'hypothetical' means.  And he wonders why I won't introduce him to my sister.

  The bottom line is that life is going to hand you a lot of choices that greatly impact other people's lives.  Don't be a dick (if you can help it) or you might find yourself hanging out with a bunch of Richards come rapture time.  Speaking of which...

Next time: 
So how is this Rapture thingy run?  Not like the Blondie song, right?  Is it like the NFL draft?  And if not being a dick is the main criteria, how will it go for those who are kind to dicks, like Paris Hilton?  Do sluts earn a special dispensation for all the individual joy they bring?  I'll tell you what I'd do... If I were God.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Who would Jesus smite?

Honestly, probably nobody.  Way too nice.  -Forgave his own crucifiers!  I on the other hand, would easily have scorched the last jackhole who cut me off on the highway, if only I had a lightning bolt ready.  But not being God (regretably) the only thing I could shoot off was my mouth, like anybody else.  But I really should be more creative with my would-be smitings.  This is what started this particular madness:

I was reading TheBloggess Friday, enjoying a Halloween themed discussion of people's favorite scary books.  Of course Stephen King’s name and iconic work was noted many times, and rightly so.  Seeing everything as I do through the prism of my new favorite toy, this blog, brought me naturally to what I would do if I were God.  I’ll reprint it again here, just so we’re all on the same page. 

…I’d let some of Stephen King’s creations exist in the real world. They’d come in handy in a smite-by-proxy program I’d be testing out. I wouldn’t use it on ordinary people (so don’t worry), only on the exceptionally vile.
For instance, the next time Ann Coulter hailed a cab -Christine would pull up. After she got in she’d notice a clown hat on the driver. That’s right; IT. That’ll teach her to attack the 9-11 widows by saying they enjoyed their husband’s deaths. (In case you didn’t know, Coulter really said that. Ugh)
Scott Peterson (who killed his pregnant wife but got convicted on his ex-girlfriend’s testimony) would probably like a new woman in his life. I’d send Carrie to his cell.
Who else? Michael Vick, dog torturer/killer. Is out of prison and enjoying new fame and wealth in the NFL. He probably needs a new pet. I’d send him Cujo.
Any diety can dispense justice, but how many would do it with a poetic flair?

I think there’s a lot to be said for addition through subtraction.  You see it in football all the time.  Take any team T.O.’s been on, subtract one T.O. and your team and locker room are instantly better.  Wouldn't it work for us too, to weed out the bad seeds?  How'd they get in to begin with?

It makes one wonder, is Halloween how evil sneaks into our world?   Do all those demons, devil, ghouls and goblins incarcerated down in hell try to keep their noses (snouts, hollow horns?) clean for a few months leading up to Halloween, then ask for a weekend pass to come up here for the holiday?  Then once they're here they don't go back; they run for office or start Jersey-based reality shows.  Frankly I'm not sure which does us more damage!  What if the hell/earth border policy is as easy to dodge as our Mexican border policy?  At least the Mexicans pick our fruit for cheap.  What are these hell-scapies up to?  They can't all be running for office or getting punched out in boardwalk bars.  (Can anyone seriously doubt that Snookie is a goblin or gremlin of some sort, thinly disguised only in bronzer and an Annette Funicello wig?  You could argue for dwarf, I suppose, but it would have to be a Gimili son of Gloin/Lord of the Rings type dwarf, not a Dr Ruth sex obsessed dwarf -or do I have that backwards?)
Anyway, wouldn't you like to do something about those 'lil evils that don't report back when their Halloween weekend pass is up?  Whenever we come across one, say at a white supremicist march, Nambla meeting, Tea Party rally... I think a good smiting is in order.  But smiting is a delicate business.  When excising the malignancy one must use the scapel, not the ax.  And not all transgressions are the same.
So let the punishment fit the crime.  If crimes come in various sizes, so must smitings;
Post nasal drip for small, Justin Beiber sized annoyances (don't pretend he's not annoying as shit)
Rectal Warts for medium problems like Sarah Palin and Kanye West (gross yes, but somehow fitting)
Lightning, the old standard, for true evil like Bin Laden, Fritzel, and Dick Cheney (I can almost hear the horses in Young Frankenstein freaking out in the background when the housekeeper's name is spoken)

You should all feel free to weigh in with your smite-worthy nominees and what they should get, or you can click on the poll to the left.

Somehow too many of the smite-worthy are slipping beneath the radar (God-ar, smite-ar?) or maybe He’s just too busy keeping all the glaciers from melting at once to take any action.  But boy o boy would those people get it (all together now)–if I were God.