Wednesday, March 30, 2011

A new Goddess takes the throne

-in this week's WannaBe Wednesday

Let us lavishly lay the laurel of Goddess for a day on Jayne from In Jayne'sWorld for her winning "If..." in answer to last Wednesday's challenge posed in the Fattest States in America post one week ago.  She has earned her time on the throne, making her ass the new 'seat' of power -at least for a day.

Jayne's commandment:

If I were God all the crap that tastes good would actually be good for you. I mean, really -- what the hell's with that anyway?
The brilliance of any creation is in the details.

Limbaugh was wrong, God is a liberal.
Hers is an uniquely American solution to be sure; rather than recognize ourselves as the problem and make ourselves better through moderation, discipline and self-reliance -we can stay the same if we just reclassify the problem itself.  Then we are not the problem, the problem is the problem.  Flip it.  Bad is the new good.  And now that it is, can you go ahead and super-size that for me?

I think I'm talking myself out of her coronation now by remembering the road to hell is paved with good intentions.  And chocolate.  Thick creamy blocks of chocolate, laid out like cobble stones -right up to the lake of fire. 

I better get out of here before Jayne's enthronement turns into a smiting.  Reese's peace's be with you.

PS- that's two ladies taking Diety for a Day, zero guys.  Why is that?

As always, If I Were God appreciates comments, ad-clicks and sharing of His articles. 
He sees all; disappoint Him not.

Monday, March 28, 2011

The World Map of Penis Sizes

-not that it matters, right?  Right -that's why you're reading.

Not to reinforce stereotypes or anything, but the biggest greens ARE in Africa,
and the smallest reds ARE in Asia.  Just sayin'.

How often did size matter enough to change the course of human events?  I'll offer a few examples and let you be the judge.   If nothing else it gives a new angle to view certain episodes in history. 

Italy   : 6.2"
Is this what gave the relatively short Italians the confidence to conquor everybody in every direction and build the Roman Empire?

France:    6.3"
Germany: 5.7"
Did Germany invade France in WWI and WWII over economic and political arguments, or did Germany feel it had something to prove in the, uh, weinerschnitzel catagory?

China:  4.3"
Japan: 4.3"
Two world leaders in both the production and use of microprocessors, subcompact cars, and oragami.  What do you suppose inspires them in the pursuit of making small things valuable?

Israel:     5.6"
Lebanon: 6.6"
I had hope for this region until just now.  There will never, ever, be peace in the mid east.

Ireland:   5"
England: 5.5"
Half an inch apart and it took them this long to patch together a shaky peace.

Cuba:      6.2"
Jamaica: 6.4"
Could it explain why they make their cigars long, and their dreadlocks longer -it pleases their sense of proportune?

What does this mean to you in your life?

Glad you asked.  Beyond the global historical implications this information gives the individual a chance to change his or her circumstances. 
For instance, say you're a good old fashioned American slut.  The local, uh, spigots are less and less able to fill your, uh, cup to the brim.  You could simply relocate from North to South America and settle in Columbia or Venezuela.  -And your cup shall overflow.  Although if your last name is Kardashian you might need to go as far as the Congo, or NBA to, ah, get your fill.

Alternatively, let's say you're a below-average man for your area and you're sick of being judged, or sick of thinking you're being judged, or simply want to know what it's like to be the big man on campus for once... just move to India, Cambodia or Thailand (all coming in at 4") and you could wind up as village chief.  In some such places the crown is often awarded to he with the most impressive, uh, scepter.

So why is this If I Were God material?

Because what this really is of course is another missed opportunity.  If I were God sizes would not be handed out randomly or even geographically.  Size would be earned (like beauty) in that the nicer you were to women, the more you'd be able to be nicer to women.  Conversely, the more a a dick you were, the less of a dick you'd have.

Go on, don't be afraid to say it.  I'm a genius.

As always, If I Were God appreciates comments, ad-clicks and sharing of His articles. 
He sees all; disappoint Him not.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Tourettes singer dominates on American Idol


I know there's a lot more to James Durbin than having tourettes.  But it is the most interesting aspect because it is such a unique attribute it sets him apart from all the other singers competing.

He's a fine singer and an early favorite to win, -but this isn't about that.
He's deserves credit for persevering...heart of a lion...blah blah -this isn't about that either.
The weird scary faces it gives him doesn't put off the audience, wonderful -but this isn't about that either.

Why waste a good case of tourettes on a singer that isn't hurting anybody?  That's what this post is about.

Tourettes is a wonderful invention put to poor use on random people.  Whether it takes the form of shouting or extreme facial expression it's still (usually) merely an annoyance and relatively minor challenge (compared to all the fatal and deforming conditions one could have) and it seems a bit pointless, from a Creator point of view, given its current random distribution.  What a wasted opportunity.

If I were God, tourettes would be a telling signal.  Like flushed cheeks if you're excited or embarrassed.  Or a visible tenseness in the face if you're angry or anxious. -impossible to hide.  I would have made it a signal for lying.  The bigger the lie, the more pronounced the tourettes attack.  Observe:

"I am qualified GAAA to be prezodint. URG!"

"There are wepins of mis obstruct- uh, duh... GRRRR
Saddam has HMO's, I mean WMD's in Iraq.  That's it."

Even the most in-denial flag wavingest sheeple in middle America would not be able to ignore signs of deceit this glaring.  -Although they did give Bush a second term.

As always, If I Were God appreciates comments, ad-clicks and sharing of His articles. 
He sees all; disappoint Him not.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

The fattest states in America

Honestly, all 50 are kinda fat, but the fat five, in order of disgracefulness are; Tennessee, Louisiana, Mississippi, Kentucky, & Alabama.  Stats/post inspiration here.

It didn't used to be this way.  Chasing runaway slaves and running Indians off their land was vigorous and therefore calorie-burning work (if you did it right, and did it yourself)  But since both those past times have gone the way of American ingenuity (that is, to India) the southern states have become sedentary.

To be fair, states with larger cities have more people in cities.  This presents many temptations to walk places, since there is so much within walking distance.  A couch potato in either place may both want a McRib with extra large fries and a Shamrock shake.  But city slob may have to walk 3 blocks to get it, and 3 blocks back.  Then another round trip back to fix it when he realizes the somnolent stoner who filled his order gave him a regular shake in a shamrock cup, and only medium fries, making a total of 12 blocks worth of unintentional exercise for the city slob.

The country slob on the other hand need only walk the length of his rotted porch, past the ubiquitous decomposing critter in the unmown high grass to his bestickered pick-up for the five mile drive to procure his McRib from his drive-thru working cousin/girlfriend/baby momma Rhonda-Mae, who learned several black eyes ago to make sure that order's right.  With no return trip necessary country slob has only 18 yards to the pick-up and 18 yards back -enough to burn off two extra long fries (or one if slathered in Mayo).


So why rant here?  Because this is If I Were God..., and it's the return of WannaBe Wednesday.  And you're gonna solve it.  So what's your McAnswer?

If I Were God, I'd...

A) allow only Flintstone-like cars, forcing exercise.
B) change their genes so they wouldn't get fat.
C) change their jeans so they wouldn't seem fat.
D) flood the fucker and start over with aspiring models
E) have my own unique solution which is _________.

As always, If I Were God appreciates comments, ad-clicks and sharing of His articles. 
He sees all; disappoint Him not.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Meet Me on Monday

A note to the faithful (of this blog), this is a meme I participate in once in a while.  The questions come from a very nice lady, Java, over at Nevergrowingold.

The family resemblence is uncanny.

1.  What jewelry do you wear 24/7?
      only my heart of gold
2.  Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it?
     Twirl it like we're on Dancing with the Stars.
3.  How many siblings do you have?
     6 or six and a half billion, depending on your worldview.
4.  Were you named after anyone?
     The greatest Roman ever.
5.  Coke or Pepsi?
     I haven't done coke since the 70's. 
    Wait!  If you're a cop you have to tell me.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

This is why I dumped Mother Nature in the first place

Yeah, we went out.  She was just 'Maiden' Nature back then and quite fetching especially in her Spring outfit.  And half the time she was so warm it was all I could do to just sit there and bask in her glow.  Those were the  good times, and there were a lot of them. 

But she always had an indifferent streak, mood swings (she could go from very hot to ice cold in like six months, and then switch back like it was nothing) and a foul temper that could rise in an instant.  I thought she was bad as a teen, especially when she had that outbreak of volcanoes.  I tried to tell her "everybody gets pimples at this age, just leave them.  You can rinse with rain."  But no, she had to pop them.  Goodbye, Pompeii.

I tried to have an intellectual discussion with her on restraint and the amorality of random smiting, but she'd just laugh and flash her eyes "Do tell, floodboy!"  [There was a reason for that, which I've detailed earlier.  But that's another story.]  Her indifference eventually turned me off. 

It was a problem.  She never blamed anything on herself and it was more annoying than I was willing to tolerate.  I had to sit her down "It's not me, baby, it's you."  She cried thunderstorms (gotta expect it, right?) and that was it for us.  She had calmed down since then and been mostly pleasant (for her) until recently.

Judging by the hot flashes she's having (regular enough to warm the globe) and the ever more frequent bouts of temper, I'd say my erstwhile girlfriend is entering a rough menopause.  Be warned people; it will be a while.

I wish you all the best.  As for Myself, I think I'll chill on Venus for a while; very sultry orbit, no plate tectonics (this is true) and frankly she's been sending a lot of very clear signals My way lately.

As always, If I Were God appreciates comments, ad-clicks and sharing of His articles.  He sees all; disappoint Him not.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011


Guam is only penis-shaped if you come at it from the tip.

Okay, I'm actually a week behind on this; This Guamarinian holiday fell on March 7 this year.  As the president of Guam I should have been more on top of this.  But if by comparison you consider how long after their initial creation it took hominids to walk upright/discover fire/wear pants, then you'll see I'm only behind on this holiday thing by a whisker.  It was a busy week for earthquakes and floods too, you know, so don't hassle Me.

In any event... Discovery Day marks the anniversary of Magellan finding Guam.  Though it is generally accepted that Guam was actually discovered and colonized by the seafaring Austronesian people from Southeast Asia circa 4000 BC, this does not count as they were not Caucasian nor did they keep a receipt.  (If "Who discovered Guam" comes up in Jeopardy and there's money on the line just say "Magellan", Alex Trebek will not accept "Austronesian", nor should he.)

So, <ahem> Magellan discovered Guam, sailing into Umatac* Bay in 1521 and thereby heralding in a centuries-long glorious era of exploitation, subjugation, colonization, and land theft-ization. -punctuated by plague, cholera, yellow fever, small pox, medium pox and even occasionally extra-large pox.  This naturally gave rise to a holiday celebrated with cotton candy and fireworks.

*In the native tongue Umatac was a popular invective which roughly translates into "Fuck, there goes the neighborhood!"

So congratulations Guam on the 480th anniversary of having your idyllic South Pacific garden of Eden overrun and ravaged by marauding western plague carrying murderers!  Ahhh... progress.

Miss Guam 2010 placed 5th in the annual "Please marry me
and take me to America" pageant.  Her position behind the others
later allowed her to shove them into the water and win the crown.

As always, If I Were God appreciates comments, ad-clicks and sharing of His articles. 
He sees all; disappoint Him not.

Monday, March 14, 2011

The second great flood comes to town

For the second straight March the flood water came for our town.  This past September I joined Engine Co 1, our town's volunteer fire department.  So I was part of the response this time around.  The predictions were for levels matching or surpassing last year's.  Before that you'd have to go back to 1986 for levels like that.

Mexican restaurant on Thursday;
seafood on Friday

Friday morning the national guard sent up five 2 1/2 ton trucks and drivers to help in rescue, recon and whatever else we needed.  Six hours before the river crested we took a pair of them and did a neighborhood assessment tour.  By the time the river crested at 1am Saturday morning it was clear the flood waters stayed a few inches lower than last year.  No water got into my house, and it only crept halfway into my garage.  Only the tires on a few bikes and the bottoms of some watertight bins even got touched.  Everything else had been moved to shelves, been stacked on tables, or were suspended from the rafters by ropes.  The place looked like it belonged to a hoarder with an anti-gravity machine.

Waterfront property is not always more valuable

I have some great video of the flood tour in which all the local street look like rivers.  Only the houses and tops of bushes show above the surface.  Unfortunately blogger was not able to upload them.  I'll try again this afternoon.

The home of Engine Co No 1, where I am a volunteer

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Should God ask Australia to the prom?

If I were God, I’d take Australia to the prom.  Yes, I know you didn't know there was a prom like that.  No, you can't go.  You're not a continent or a deity.  No, you can't fake your way in, they card at the door.  I can hear the murmurs already; why Australia?

Yes there are more obvious continents to choose;

There’s Europe, sophisticated with an aloofness that makes you want her more, 

There’s North America, brash and adorably reckless, the envy of many

And South America, the overly willing little sister with something to prove,

There’s Asia, smart n’ savvy, but somehow demure and exotic at the same time,

[There’s always Africa, also exotic, but way too troubled to make a good date,]

And then there’s Australia
The dingo accusation proved to be false, and Ms Streep was
 later prosecuted, found guilty and jailed for dingo slander.
I know as well as anyone she’s had her problems.  Though lush and vast, this lonely redheaded stepchild of the global family must not only endure the vertigo and light headedness of being perpetually upside down, but also the disrespect of the frequent ‘only an island’ slurs disputing her continency.  (Though she can at least take heart that nobody is accusing her of incontinency.  But really, sitting in warm water like she is, who could blame her?  Sitting alone in warm water like she is, who would even know?)

I'm guessing some readers may think she's not suitable?  Maybe you just don't know her like I do.  Never mind what you may have heard.  Take a minute to get to know her before you pass judgement like that.

Maybe a quick profile would help dispel some misconceptions;
Mischaracterizations: A sprawling conclave of criminality and riff-raff founded during the colonial era. 
Characterization: you’re probably thinking of Washington D.C., Australia’s population is actually pleasant and peaceful

Unanswered Questions:  Why IS Australia all by itself?
Allegedly: It was left alone in the corner to think about what it did.
Actually: Asia smelled a little funny at the time (in pre-soap era) so she just stepped back a bit

What the world can thank Australia for:

Qantas, Rainman-verified as the world’s only crash free airline

Crocodile Dundee, for showing us all know what a knife’s supposed to look like

Nicole Kidman, gave us hope that even if you marry a closeted gay actor you can still fix your life

Men at Work, for reminding the world in the 80's that there is something besides open water between Guam and the South Pole -a whole civilized (English-speaking), Vegemite eatin' continent.

Air Supply, whose multi-platinum sleep inducers were the only thing able to knock us out if Vegemite belly-aches were keeping us up.

Infantilizing English – bastardizing of accepted mature terminology like firemen and electrician into firies and wiries allows Americans and Brits to feel smarter and superior, even though Australia actually ranks higher in language education, mathematics, science, class size, spending per student, school attendance, graduation rates, degree achievement, and shrimps on the barbie per capita. [Australia is proudly second in the world in this final category, behind only Papua New Guinea - the juggernaut of crustacean-based economies]

And beyond all that, she’s recently gained stature with a gallant effort to aid earthquake stricken New Zealand.  It not only made me take a second look at her, but it's the reason I would take her to the prom this year.

Also, check it out: nobody fills out a top like Australia! (va-va-voom!  Nice elevations!)

And sporting a little under-boob too, cheeky monkey!

So yeah, Australia, I'd be happy to take you to the prom.
You know... if you don't already have a date or whatever

As always, If I Were God appreciates comments, ad-clicks and sharing of His articles. 
He sees all; disappoint Him not.

Friday, March 4, 2011

The week on earth in picture and rhyme

If you looked down on the world this week what would you have seen?
Brilliance, stupidity, comedy, trajedy and everything in between


New Mazda's recalled for having spiders running about 

American football, the NFL, may see a lockout 

Ben&Jerry give Jimmy Fallon his own flavor

Pope says jews are not responsible for crucifixion

20yrs later Rodney King ticketed, may have car/cop addiction

HS basketball player dies after game winning shot secures perfect season

Threats in the Ivory Coast close down their free press
Prince sued by his own lawyers in bill default mess 

Libya holding Dutch sailors they caught

Civil war apparently still being fought

fired workers burn indian executive alive 
Aguilera and boyfriend arrested after drunk drive

These seven days saw a little of everything  
I wonder what the next seven will bring
As always, If I Were God appreciates comments, ad-clicks and sharing of His articles. 
He sees all; disappoint Him not.