...Beauty would be earned

This blog was created 3 weeks ago to be about upgrades for Creation, and it's time I got specific.

If I were God...
Beauty would be earned, not given out blindly at birth like some half-assed lottery.  All children would start out looking average.  The cooler you were to your fellow man, the better looking you'd get as you grew up.  The more of a dick you were, the more you'd look like my dog's ass.  (Can you imagine what Dick Cheney would look like now?  Eesh.)

[The above excerpt is from my forthcoming book "What if God is Cheating on Us?" coming soon to a website near you]

I think that's a perfect place to start the upgrading.  It not only rewards the good and punishes the bad, it's an external conscience, a needful thing as so many ignore their inner one.  You'd either wake up in the morning to find your pores are a little smaller and acne disappearing and you know "I must be doing alright".  OR you'd find that little spot on your nose has become a wart the size and general shape of Justin Beiber's head.  Then you'd know you've been a dick and it's time to change.  Once it starts singing, it's too late.

The other huge benefit is the good could spot the bad a mile away and know to keep away from them.  (For those without binoculars it might be only a hundred yards or so, but still...)  Cops chasing a masked bank robber who ducks into a store would just have to look everybody over once to know who to 'cuff  "You, with the teen sensation on your nose, put your hands up and turn around slowly!"

A good day in Creation 2.0 (Feel free to act as my review board, and let me know if you approve)

If you enjoyed this, please pass it on - the more the merrier!

Who would Jesus smite?

Honestly, probably nobody.  Way too nice.  -Forgave his own crucifiers!  I on the other hand, would easily have scorched the last jackhole who cut me off on the highway, if only I had a lightning bolt ready.  But not being God (regretably) the only thing I could shoot off was my mouth, like anybody else.  But I really should be more creative with my would-be smitings.  This is what started this particular madness:

I was reading TheBloggess Friday, enjoying a Halloween themed discussion of people's favorite scary books.  Of course Stephen King’s name and iconic work was noted many times, and rightly so.  Seeing everything as I do through the prism of my new favorite toy, this blog, brought me naturally to what I would do if I were God.  I’ll reprint it again here, just so we’re all on the same page. 

…I’d let some of Stephen King’s creations exist in the real world. They’d come in handy in a smite-by-proxy program I’d be testing out. I wouldn’t use it on ordinary people (so don’t worry), only on the exceptionally vile.

For instance, the next time Ann Coulter hailed a cab -Christine would pull up. After she got in she’d notice a clown hat on the driver. That’s right; IT. That’ll teach her to attack the 9-11 widows by saying they enjoyed their husband’s deaths. (In case you didn’t know, Coulter really said that. Ugh)
Scott Peterson (who killed his pregnant wife but got convicted on his ex-girlfriend’s testimony) would probably like a new woman in his life. I’d send Carrie to his cell.
Who else? Michael Vick, dog torturer/killer. Is out of prison and enjoying new fame and wealth in the NFL. He probably needs a new pet. I’d send him Cujo.
Any diety can dispense justice, but how many would do it with a poetic flair?

I think there’s a lot to be said for addition through subtraction.  You see it in football all the time.  Take any team T.O.’s been on, subtract one T.O. and your team and locker room are instantly better.  Wouldn't it work for us too, to weed out the bad seeds?  How'd they get in to begin with?

It makes one wonder, is Halloween how evil sneaks into our world?   Do all those demons, devil, ghouls and goblins incarcerated down in hell try to keep their noses (snouts, hollow horns?) clean for a few months leading up to Halloween, then ask for a weekend pass to come up here for the holiday?  Then once they're here they don't go back; they run for office or start Jersey-based reality shows.  Frankly I'm not sure which does us more damage!  What if the hell/earth border policy is as easy to dodge as our Mexican border policy?  At least the Mexicans pick our fruit for cheap.  What are these hell-scapies up to?  They can't all be running for office or getting punched out in boardwalk bars.  (Can anyone seriously doubt that Snookie is a goblin or gremlin of some sort, thinly disguised only in bronzer and an Annette Funicello wig?  You could argue for dwarf, I suppose, but it would have to be a Gimili son of Gloin/Lord of the Rings type dwarf, not a Dr Ruth sex obsessed dwarf -or do I have that backwards?)

Anyway, wouldn't you like to do something about those 'lil evils that don't report back when their Halloween weekend pass is up?  Whenever we come across one, say at a white supremicist march, Nambla meeting, Tea Party rally... I think a good smiting is in order.  But smiting is a delicate business.  When excising the malignancy one must use the scapel, not the ax.  And not all transgressions are the same.

So let the punishment fit the crime.  If crimes come in various sizes, so must smitings;

Post nasal drip for small, Justin Beiber sized annoyances (don't pretend he's not annoying as shit)

Rectal Warts for medium problems like Sarah Palin and Kanye West (gross yes, but somehow fitting)

Lightning, the old standard, for true evil like Bin Laden, Fritzel, and Dick Cheney (I can almost hear the horses in Young Frankenstein freaking out in the background when the housekeeper's name is spoken)

You should all feel free to weigh in with your smite-worthy nominees and what they should get, or you can click on the poll to the left.

Somehow too many of the smite-worthy are slipping beneath the radar (God-ar, smite-ar?) or maybe He’s just too busy keeping all the glaciers from melting at once to take any action.  But boy o boy would those people get it (all together now)–if I were God.

You can even pray for great SEX -if you come correct

If I were god I would certainly be a just and benevolent ruler of all things.   Generous to a fault, even. -though really, who would dare fault me?  Neitzsche, shut yer hole!  But that doesn’t mean I don’t need to see a little effort.  Make yourself stand out a little.  I too crave entertainment.  You have a request?  Earn it, baby.

  I pray to thee my only god

  With a request that’s a little odd

  You alone do I faithfully follow

  Could you please convince my wife to swallow

See?  Now that’s a prayer I’d feel good about answering.

But a nifty rhyme doesn’t automatically mean you’ll get what you want either.  Especially if you ask for something inherently evil.  For example;

Dear God, so smart, so strong and so nice

I’d like to ask a favor if I might

Could You make the Giants fumble once or twice

So my team can beat them on Monday Night

Firstly and foremostly there will be no divine action taken against the NY Giants for any reason.  Just know that and don’t forget it.  And they’re quite experienced at screwing up their own seasons without any outside help anyway. 

Secondly (and secondmostly) I could not claim to be a benevolent god if I went around causing undeserved fumbles in the NFL.  It’s just wrong and I’ve got a rep to protect.

Except for the Cowboys.  They can fumble.  They might be America’s team, but they’d be this God’s rented mule. (Judging by the current season, they’re everybody’s rented mule)

Thirdly (and thirdmostly) you’re so much better off approaching your problems from a positive angle.  Rather than asking for divine intervention to make the Giants somehow fail, for example, you should ask for divine guidance to somehow make yourself less of a douche.  That, I’d be willing to help you with.

So send in your prayers and if they're good, and in iambic pentameter (that's a Shakespearian rhyming pattern for all you Jersey Shore fans out there) I'd not only post your prayers, I'd grant them -if I were God or had His powers.*

*author is neither God nor possesed of any god-like powers.  Author's actual powers of creation are limited to unwanted nitrogen gas from one end, and mediocre satire he's far too self-impressed with out the other.

In the beginning...

...there was only the headers above and empty fields below.  Yet all about was blankness.  Yea did I, being a Load, cry out from the blankness "Let there be write!"  And lo the Good Load did write for six days and six nights (on and off).  And looking down from the headers upon all he had written, the Load saw that it was good.  Except for a few misspellings.  And an over-developed sense of the dramatic.  And a pompous tendancy for self-glorification... -but other than that, yea the Load did see that it was good.  And on the seventh day the Good Load did rest.  For it was Sunday, and the NY Giants kick off at 1.  Amen, praised be the Load.

Some might think it's unfair to compare creating a blog from scratch to creating, uh, creation from scratch but I think it's harder.  For one thing I have a ton of restrictions and limitations hemming in my creativity.  God didn't have to deal with any pop-up windows saying "those dinosaurs cannot be placed here as they will freeze and die out during the ice ages.  You must first reconfigure either their ability to maintain their own internal temperatures or recalibrate the planetary climate range..."  No, He just put down the this-a-saurus here and the that-a-saurus there and walked away.  If it didn't work out that was their hard luck (ending up as gasoline-a-saruses).  By then He had moved on to his new hobby of landscaping, garden design and overy restrictive regulations on fruit consumption. 

I'll get no such free pass and will instead have to endure comparisons to any number of other blogs, vlogs and internet offerings.  Somebody is sure to comment that I'm not as funny as that site with pictures of tiny kittens in hats, or even tinier kittens in tea cups or yet tinier hat-wearing tea cups inside kittens (?) or whatever the thinking-challenged find funny these days when Jersey Shore isn't on. 

On the other hand whatever God made had to be considered great because there was nothing to compare it to.  It demanded worship based on its unprecedentedness alone.  Kind of like the awe Henry Ford must have basked in when he rolled out the Model-T.  Do you know what that car was like?  No power steering, you had to crank it from the front to get it to start, top speed of 18mph, engine smoke blew right into the front seat, no radio, CD player, air conditioning, windshield wipers, power anything... yet with nothing to compare it to it was considered a chariot of the gods.  You couldn't give a car like that away today; not even a one-legged shoeless convict in the midst of a prison break would take it.  "No thanks, I'll just hop."

That's what brought about this blog.  I want to tell all of you, and humbly suggest to Him if He's reading, about all the upgrades and fixes I'd bring to this Model-T of a world to make it into the butterfly-doored pewter Maserati of a world I think it could still be molded into -If I were God.