Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Kayla Khan, scourge of daycare

My nearly two year old daughter Kayla hit her first kid in daycare last week.  With a toy.
There’s no way to prove for sure that my daughter is not a descendant of Ghengis Khan; does not go back that far.  Alarmingly, I understand she struck from the east, as he did, and with little warning, also as he did, but I am fairly certain her attack was not aided by fast moving groups of mounted archers.  (Thankfully there are no reports of the presence of mounted cavalry of any kind)  This gives me hope she is not indeed a distant progeny of the elder Khan nor is she likely to sack eastern Europe and lower Russia in the foreseeable future.  I am quite sure that kind of aggression would get her kicked out of daycare, which would be terrible as this one is close, clean, cheap and her aunt Betty works there.

Why does she line them up like that, and call for reinforcements in Mongolese?
And who the hell taught her Mongolese?
But she did use a weapon.  I have a nagging feeling it may be my fault.  I have HBO and can stream Netflix.  As an infant she was in the room as I was watching all manner of unedited guy films, including Pulp Fiction.  Nobody was close enough to hear what she was saying as she struck that kid, but I dearly hope she wasn’t quoting scripture like Jules “And I will smite thee with a furious vengeance…”  I’d hate to think she was taking lessons from Tarrantino’s favorite hired assassin.  
You CAN hold it sideways for extra
menace, but that's punk.

Jules was only (pulp) fictional, but Khan was real as death, which he and his heirs meted out liberally on their various bi-continental tears.  Nobody could stop them either.  They out maneuvered and outfought every European army that tried to stand against them.  The only thing that stopped their epic onslaught was being called home.  When old Khan died, three princes were in the army rampaging through Europe at the time and had to return for the election of the new emperor.  That’s what saved Europe in the 13th century.
Daycare will have no such luck.  The only think that will stop a rampaging Kayla Khan is being recalled by the sound of her favorite show, The Fresh Beat Band.  It’s a live action song and dance show, quite gay, but kids love it.  Once that’s on, she’ll run over to cheer for Kiki, her favorite.  So heed this warning helpless villagers of daycare; once Kayla Khan yells “KIKI!” you’ve got a half an hour headstart to get the hell out of Dodge.  That’s time enough to reach minimum safe distance if you don’t screw around. 
You’ve been warned.

The day may come when only Kiki, on guitar, can save you.

As always, If I Were God appreciates comments, ad-clicks and sharing of His articles.
AT LEAST CLICK THE +1 AT THE BOTTOM ! (for judgement day xtra cred)
He sees all; disappoint Him not.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Uganda and Fox News

Some things will never make sense to me, nor is their much chance of them ever being explained.  This site has never before received visitors from Uganda -which as we all know is the true measure of international acclaim- but since I was interviewed by Fox News the other day about the Conde Nast/Twitter thing and threw up
-a quick post about it (gotcha! No, I didn't barf) I got 10 pageviews from, you guessed it: Uganda.

And I can't imagine why.  Uganda?  This is weirder than when Guam made me president.  They were damn near crashing the server with all their hits.  Things have since cooled off with them, they're down to -let's see- zero?!  Oh, WTF Guam?  Is this over Australia?  All I did was take her to the prom.  Nothing happened, I swear.  C'mon baby, I miss you.

Anyway, UGANDA-

I didn't know they even got blogs in Uganda.  Or the Internet.  Or electricity.
Alright, I'm sure they have electricity.  But this blog is in English.  Maybe there's a few right wing fans of Fox News over there hungry for any snippet of their favorite western media outlet?  Maybe they're fashionistas hungry for news on fashion publishing titan Conde Nast?  Is Uganda a first-floor-only country jealous of our elevators and were following the elevator conversations angle of that twitter feed?  I may never know.

If somebody in Uganda could give me a call and explain this, I'd appreciate it.  -Borrow a phone from neighboring Kenya if you have to.

Okay, now I feel bad.  I'm not anti-Ugandan.  The Idi Amin days are far behind them now.  I'm sure Uganda has plenty of phone service, with mostly nice friendly people building their country up and just trying to make a decent living -like regular folks anywhere else in the world.  It can't help it if it's the Alabama of Africa.  Peace, Uganda.  Nobody stays Alabaman forever (except of course ...Alabama)

As always, If I Were God appreciates comments, ad-clicks and sharing of His articles.
AT LEAST CLICK THE +1 AT THE BOTTOM ! (for judgement day xtra cred)
He sees all; disappoint Him not.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

So I was on Fox News today

Fox news finally recognized my (not really) divinity and swung by to ask for pearls of wisdom.  Finally, some recognition!

Actually it was just man-on-the-street interviews about the controversial new Twitter feed on Conde Naste elevator conversations.  You'd think with the current ongoing stock market cataclysms, the 3 dozen killed in the chopper shoot down and the sub orbital counterstrike of so-called "rods of god" (more on this blasphemy in a later post; but spoiler alert- I DID NOT KILL ANYONE WITH MY ROD) and the unfolding saga of the Norwegian killer would be more than enough fodder for their broadcast, wouldn't you?  But no, a cheesy twitter gimmick on par with 'people of walmart' seems equally newsworthy this of all weeks.  I guess in the age of Jersey Shore and Real Housewives we can't expect better anymore.  Oy

If you're not up on this non-story, somebody opened a Twitter feed of transcriptions of conversation fragments overhead on the elevators of magazine mega-publisher Conde Nast.  Priceless nuggets like "If she didn't want to know if she looked fat in that dress, why'd she ask me dude?  I wouldn't ask if I didn't want to know!"  So apparently they went for the dumb and offensive as entertainment.

Anyway, they asked what I thought about it so I told them "I think that you hear a lot of stupid people saying a lot of stupid things.  But it's entertaining." Which if you think about it, is actually what Fox News is all about in the first place.  So I guess this is the perfect story for them.

that feed is now silent.  Somebody's trying to save their job.

Friday, August 5, 2011

Apparently "best of wife spanks husband" LEADS TO ME

Not possible.  This isn't that kind of blog!

Yet there it was in my statistics; 3 referrals for the search "best of wife spanks husband"

So of course I googled it to see what post of mine came up.  After paging through 200 listings of everything from YouTube videos, to a Teenspank blog (yeah, I know!), to SexJitsu (Is it combat?  Is it love? Is it as scary as it sounds?), to YahooAnswers (what was the question?), to SpankingLife (it's a lifestyle?  Really?), to SpankingChannel (and it's got it's own network too?  WTF!) and a host of others I still did not find my own URL.  But I was mildly traumatized by sudden overexposure to the dizzying array of spanking resources out there.  Who knew?  And of course it begs the question "What the hell is wrong with people?!"

But it didn't answer the original question or solve the mystery.  I found myself putting more thought into spanking than I ever though I would/could/should.

Now I've done some wild things with this blog;

Invented new creatures like the SquirrelDog,
gave breast enlargement to the masses,
told the secret to wealth & happiness,
mapped the world for big boobs and dongs,
laid out naughty & nice uses for the body,
solved the birth control debate,
gave out tips for life AND the afterlife,
sent God on a bender,
and even shared the throne a few times,

A pretty eclectic track record, but I still couldn't recall any post that matches BEST OF WIFE SPANKS HUSBAND enough to fit amongst the swollen rosey buns in those scary Google listings.  Yet, there were undeniably referrals leading back here.  Had to be something, but what?

And it hit me like a smack on the ass, what if it's a drawing?  Which of course it was.
Yeah, this was it.

As always, If I Were God appreciates comments, ad-clicks and sharing of His articles.
AT LEAST CLICK THE +1 AT THE BOTTOM ! (for judgement day xtra cred)
He sees all; disappoint Him not.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

and the good Load said "Let there be pic!", and there was pic.

This is of course to remedy the recalcitrant pic of my brother's Robin Hood arrow shot, which refused to show itself to any but me -a fine trait for a wife, but an insufferable one for a jpeg.
It's a little embarrassing, I mean, for a wanna-be deity who claims to deserve ultimate power to fail at the mundane task of posting a simple picture...
It's enough to cause the faithful to have doubts.

So please (actual) God, let it work this time!  You're not teaching me a lesson here, are you Good Lord?  I've tried my best to avoid blasphemy -in my very first post I called myself 'the good Load'  See?  Funny and self depreciating, not presumptuous or disrespectful.  So, ah, can I get break here?  Can you let it work? If it doesn't, I may lose the few followers I have <sniff>
Oh, how they howled with protest!  I'm sure I heard a little old fashioned wailing and gnashing of teeth in the background too.  Don't I deserve a little 'learning curve' leeway now and then?

Really people, is it any worse a mistake than say, trying to make seals and coming up with the platypus first -is it?  Or first having coitus end with a sneeze, and watching His creatures become less and less fruitful, until He hit upon giving orgasms to His organisms.  (I'll bet calling it something as decidedly unsexy as 'coitus' didn't help either.)

Anyway, after properly saving it to my hard drive and then uploading (rather than the faster copy/paste) it should be there for all to see -LIKE LIGHT ITSELF.  If you can't see it, it's probably from lack of faith!
This is a real-life picture of an arrow stuck in the back of another arrow, -whether you can see it or not!  Damn it.

As always, If I Were God appreciates comments, ad-clicks and sharing of His articles.
AT LEAST CLICK THE +1 AT THE BOTTOM ! (for judgement day xtra cred)
He sees all; disappoint Him not.

My brother is Robin Hood

I’m not saying he steals from the rich and gives to the poor, or is a thorn in the side to the corrupt sheriff of Nottingham, or prancing and drinking about the forest with a band of other tights wearing merry men –but he might.  I mean, I’m not with the guy 24/7.  So it is possible.  He is merry.  And he does drink a lot of beer.  Hmmmm.  I shall have to look into that part further.

I should say he’s not actually my brother either, but my brother-in-law.  He is a very cool guy, however, he does score us the best cigarz, and I’ve never actually seen him in tights.  So I promoted him.

But I digress.  The point is he hit this shot:
Amongst archers (and tights wearing forest dwelling merry drunkards) that’s called a Robin Hood.  And he hit it so hard it drove the first arrow in another six inches.  Gotta be pretty tough on the arrow; shot through the air against it’s will at what, 200+ mph, slamming headfirst into a target, dizzy (and doubtless concussed) but after a few seconds of peace thinking it “at least it’s over” then suddenly rear-ended at the same speed so brutally it not only splits your ass like a banana peel, but the guy’s entire head is embedded with a few inches to spare.  Good thing it’s not actually sentient.  He’d be in arrow therapy forever.

In case you’re wondering; this is not a staged photo, nor is it photoshopped.  Any experienced archer will tell you that this can and does happen, but it’s rare.  It’s analogous to golf’s hole in one; rare but it happens.  I’ve done a Robin Hood shot in darts, but that’s kind of like saying you got a hole in one in miniature golf.  It will not be on the evening news.

But this was not the sissified version of anything.  This was archery and he nailed it.
Congratulations on an amazing shot my brother.
As always, If I Were God appreciates comments, ad-clicks and sharing of His articles.
AT LEAST CLICK THE +1 AT THE BOTTOM ! (for judgement day xtra cred)
He sees all; disappoint Him not.