Wednesday, December 29, 2010

'Twas the Night Before New Year's

‘Twas the night before New Year’s
And all through the world
Many ideas were stirring
And many dreams swirled

Resolutions made in batches
By both beggars and kings
some expections find matches
others -forgotton things

Somewhere a warlord is arming
Planning for battles nonstop
Elsewhere a family is farming
Expecting a robust bumper crop

But the warlord’s target will be ready
And his invasion will flop
Elsewhere rain will fall too steady
And the fields will turn to slop

Somewhere a writer in foreclosure
Will have his family’s suitcases all zipped
And just as he loses composure
Hollywood will option his script

Every great plan one could think
Is still fair game for failing
The ship ‘God himself could not sink’
Sank on its very first sailing

Yet I offer this truth, a mere kernal
You ought still plan long and plan well
For hope springs eternal
Always drink from that well

But never bet your whole money belt
Only a fool sticks out his neck
you have only the cards you are dealt
God holds the deck

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

To the 56 countries that visited so far: MERRY CHRISTMAS!

(Update: 61 now; welcome Sri Lanka, Isle of Man, Estonia, Romania, Netherlands Antilles)
What a short strange trip it's been -so far.  This blog turned 2 months old last Thursday, still young even by internet standards.  I expected to have American readers, of course, and I don't know -maybe a few from Canada or England?  I was shocked to see the first two countries beyond the US were Taiwan and Norway.  It began an unfolding of the world map in ways I never expected, and certainly not in the mere weeks since it began.  And "If I were God..." began from nothing (not unlike the world itself)  Although the beginning is another story. 

It's a testament to the global reach of the net itself of course, and man's unquenchable thirst for truth, knowledge and free entertainment.  Since readership keeps growing I will take that to mean I'm succeeding in amusing you with my satiric ramblings, with a little food for thought sprinkled in here and there.  The SquirrelDog/new creatures and Tips for Life posts were your overwhelming favorites, and I'm glad you liked them.  They were so much fun to put together.  It's been my pleasure from the start and I plan to keep bringin' it, and I hope you'll continue to keep coming back.  So to everyone from Taiwan to Panama and the 50+ nations in between, thank you and MERRY CHRISTMAS!

If I Were God's list of nations,
in the order they arrived
  1  US
  2  Taiwan
  3  Norway
  4  Canada
  5  United Arab Emerites
  6  Germany
  7  Australia
  8  United Kingdom
  9  Russia
10  Thailand
11  Philippines
12  Singapore
13  France
14  Saudi Arabia
15  Iceland
16  Hong Kong
17  Croatia
18  Pakistan
19  Denmark
20  Spain
21  Guernsey
22  Mexico
23  Egypt
24  Indonesia
25  Netherlands
26  Ireland
27  India
28  New Zealand
29  Malaysia
30  South Africa
31  Finland
32  Greece
33  Jamaica
34  Belgium
35  South Korea
36  Belarus
37  Kenya
38  Malta
39  Kuwait
40  Brazil
41  Japan
42  China
43  Latvia
44  Oman
45  Argentina
46  Bosnia and Herzegovina
47  Portugal
48  Turkey
49  Lithuania
50  Israel
51  Sweden
52  Slovenia
53  Bulgaria
54  Costa Rica
55  Jordan
56  Panama
57  Sri Lanka -added 12/23
58  Isle of Man -added 12/23
59  Estonia -added 12/24
60  Romania -added 12/24
61  Netherlands Antilles -added 12/24

Saturday, December 18, 2010

God's own Christmas list

I’ll wager it’s never even occurred to most of you that He should be getting the presents on His birthday, not us.  We’ve had it bass ackwards all this time!  It’s only His birthday after all.  How would you like it if people threw a huge party on your birthday only so they could give each other presents right in front of you, but none to you.  “Happy Melvin’s birthday, Sue!  I got you a little something… wanna kiss me under this hanging plant in Melvin’s kitchen?” 

How bad would that suck?  On top of the obvious liability of having a name like Melvin, you have to stand there emasculated while everyone else gets gifts, gets drunk, and (at least one) gets Susan.  And this happens every year.  The final insult after getting your name dropped from the gifting list is hearing more and more people drop your name from the birthday greeting itself every year; “Happy Birthday Holiday, Sue!  Wanna blow me under this plant? (or something more subtle)”

ENOUGH!  We owe Him a gift, and you’re all chipping in.  Got that?  Okay.
Now, what would the Supreme Being want on His birthday?

Peace on earth and goodwill towards men -obvious of course, but wrong.  Let's give the all-knowing a little credit.  You have to figure He knows us better than that by now.  If we've never had a year without armed conflict ever (and we haven't) then we're not going to all wake up tomorrow with a sudden planet wide Amish disposition, and He knows it.  Millennia of experience with us have to make it obvious that change, when and if it comes, comes incrementally.  And those increments come sloooowwwwly.  Beyond that one must factor in our trademark three-steps-forward, two-steps-back approach to progress.  With all that in mind, His wish list is likely a study in lowered expectations.  I can think of three right off the bat that I think He'd appreciate.  Feel free to comment below and suggest more!


1. Pieces of the earth show less ill will towards some men (and hopefully some women too).

That's at least within the realm of possibility.  The vague phrasing should help us get started.  I myself will stop letting my dog drop doodie on anybody's lawn, even that IRS auditor from down the block (at least for a while).  Now my piece of the earth is already less ill'n.  See?  It's easy.

2. Less abuse of His name as an expression of anger.

We should find a substitute for "Jesus Effin' Christ!" in times of great pain, e.g. when we catch our scrotum in a zipper or hear a sound byte from Sarah Palin.  The implication of sex on His part is a dubious assumption at best.  He's not Zeus, He doesn't come here to get laid.  The next time we have a scrotal 911 mishap maybe we can try "Effin' Lindsay Lohan!" instead; this at least has a high probability of being true at any given moment anyway.

3. Less jumping to conclusions and assuming the worst of each other.

We all make mistakes at least half of which are honest ones.  Let’s be sure there’s ill intent in another's actions before we take action ourselves. E.g. If somebody you don’t recognize is trying to gain entrance to your house, don’t brain him with a baseball bat right off.  Give him a chance to explain himself.  He might just be a tipsy neighbor coming back from nailing Sue at a party and mistakenly stumbled to the wrong house.  But if he’s dressed head to toe in red with white trim and starts Ho-ho-hoing, lay that bat on him like you’re Mickey freakin’ Mantle.  This whole damn thing is his fault in the first place.

 Merry CHRISTmas to all!

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Thursday, December 9, 2010

Christmas War breaks out in NYC

Atheist Assault !
The American Atheist Assoc, famous for taking ill-advised and unnecessary chances with their eternal souls, have thrown oil on the fire (of their own damnation) with a huge billboard (above) taunting inbound commuters as they approach the Lincoln Tunnel.  Their message proclaims the Nativity story, and by logical extension God himself, to be a myth.  They placed the  billboard on the way into the city to not only give it massive exposure but also perhaps hoping Manhattan itself on the the other side would strengthen their claim.  It would not be the first time the exorbitant prices and ungodly traffic in midtown have caused men to doubt His existence.  $12/beer is indeed a faith-shaking proposition.

Christian Counterattack
Not about to let Christmas be crucified on a four masted 80'x20' ad-cross, a christian group put up their own billboard at the Manhattan end of the Lincoln Tunnel facing those leaving, perhaps in the hope that their message combined with the good experience of departing NYC and entering the 'Garden (of Eden?) State' of New Jersey, with its more reasonable $4 beer, would help some restore their faith.  Clearly they are unfamiliar with downtown Patterson.

It is a stalemate the courts cannot adjudicate.  This 'tussel at the tunnel' is a hearts & minds type struggle that cannot be resolved before any (earthly) judge.  All truth in advertising laws require solid proof that an advertised contention is false before legal action can be justified.  Since neither the faith-based billboard nor the faithless-based billboard meets this standard, the government cannot stand and take action but instead remains seated where it is most comfortable; on its hands.

One cannot help but think a timely public smiting of the 'myth' sponsors would settle the issue nicely.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

The Squirreldog and other new creatures

If I were God I'd add a few new creatures to the menagerie.  After dipping my hands into the CreationClay TM (patent pending) I molded my first new critter; the squirreldog, a gotta-have.  He's definately in.  But as a populist diety,  I'd like to hear which of the other proposed new creatures catches your fancy.

– it’s a dog with the body and climbing ability of a squirrel.  Loyal, smart and easily trained, the squirreldog will guard your house and yard better than a dog ever could.  Intruders are not safe even if they climb a tree or onto your roof.  The squirreldog can climb faster than you can run.  You don’t even have to feed it since it will forage for its own food from neighborhood trees.  This is however a double-edged sword; due to this knack for nuts male owners are advised to wear an athletic cup, even to bed, just in case.

-have a mouse problem but can’t stand cats? (They are Satan’s minions on earth, as you’re probably aware)  Then you could use a bearmouse.  It’s the size and shape of a large mouse, but with the sensibilities and dining habits of a bear –a bear that hunts mice.  When it eats its food supply down to the last Mickey or Minnie, it does not start foraging in your cupboards like the now-dead mice did.  It hibernates, like a bear.  If more mice move in later, their rodent stink will awake the bearmouse who will descend upon them with a ferocity not seen since the Old Testament (unrated version).

B.O. Bees
-very like the common varieties of bees in that they pollinate flowers and make honey.  This species’ reaction to scents is not restricted to a love of flowers however, but extends to a hate of foul smells.  If a human who hasn’t showered in a while enters the vicinity of even a single B.O. bee it will buzz angrily, attracting the rest of the swarm which will then go after that person like a biblical plague.  If the person makes it safely inside a building or car the bees will wait patiently for a chance to avenge their irritated noses.  The only way he or she can go safely outside again is to bathe, as the scent of soap and shampoo induces a valium-like calm on the swarm who then return to the hive for a honey latte and a nap.

-ever been out camping when nature calls but you don’t have any toilet paper handy?  No worries.  You can drop your pants and do what you must wherever you happen to be.  The smell will inevitably draw a small flock of nature’s newest avians; the stoolpidgeon.  No, they won’t tell a soul about your outdoor defecation.  But they will come close enough for you to grab them and use them as if they were a balled up wad of TP for a quick wipe.

(Not to be mistaken for Mothra-in-law, who famously nagged Tokyo to ruins)
-a wildly unpopular new creature, the moth-in-law is so named for being drawn to the pheromones of married men.  Unlike conventional moths which only leave larva which eat clothes, the moth-in-law actually feeds off male unhappiness, following the unfortunate husband around in order to make harassing comments at his place of work “You call this a job?  No wonder you can’t support the household on your own like a real man.”  Fortunately, the moth-in-law is a slow overweight insect with poor vision, making it a favorite and easy prey for birds.  Many a harried husband has put out bird feeders around the house, car and place of business to draw hungry birds to his vicinity.

-a little known but increasingly popular gift for unpopular bosses and wealthy in-laws.  It appears to be a simple houseplant, but at the rise of the full moon it transforms into the same genus of carnivorous flora as the plant in ‘Little Shop of Horrors’, devouring the first human to come within reach.  Smart gifters of the plant normally wait for the day or two after the last full moon before presenting a were-plant to their supervisors or in-laws.  By the time it were-ifies four weeks later nobody can remember where it came from or who brought it over in the first place.

-a dark cow that gives chocolate milk instead of white.  Though usually friendly and known to have rhythm, the cocoacow is forseen to be harassed by local authorities; profiled for special attention, pulled over for simply being on cowpaths in the better neightborhoods, and framed for crimes it could never have committed.

As always, If I Were God appreciates comments, ad-clicks and sharing of His articles.  He sees all; disappoint Him not.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

AIDS: a test of straight souls, Not a punishment for gay ones

AIDS in the world doesn't mean He hates gays
if you thought that then it might be time to reappraise
feline leukemia doesn't mean He hates cats
any more than making bats blind means He hates bats
babies can die of cancer, low birth weight, or SIDS
do you hear all that and think that He hates kids?
so if you believe you figured out His divine plan
then you're a nominee for world's dumbest man
don't double guess the shepherd on how He tends his sheep
when and why He calls them back is a secret He will keep
maybe He's redoing heaven but doesn't have time to shop
so He needs some good designers to really make it pop
maybe it's a test to see who's kind or cruel
who'll be a Mother Theresa, and who will act the fool
if you really knew it all then you'd be sitting in His spot
but of course then you'd be Him, when clearly you are not