Friday, May 18, 2012

Lord of the Rings and the Lord of Middle Girth

The latest RING OF POWER

And it's damn big too, but it has to be to fit four Lombardi trophies on it.  FOUR.

Now having two, Easy E, Eli the Elite, is the new Lord of the Rings.
(This is not really a football post, I promise)

Seeing the Giants win their second ring of power in just a few years has inspired me.  I'd like one too.

The problem (besides being 46, inexperienced and undrafted in everything except beer) is I am a bit more out of shape than I was last season.  -When I was practically an Olympian.  Is farting an olympic sport yet?  Well if it isn't it should be.  I kill at that.  Which is why all our house plants are dead.  But I digress.

Let me explain my current out-of-playing-shapeliness.  Having just gotten back from a nice long vacation punctuated by several steak houses and a few all-you-can-cram-into-your-pie-hole's I myself have gained a title slightly less prestigious than Eli's.  I am now lord of middle girth.

Being a lord used to mean master of all you see, captain of your domain.  But if my girth gets any lordlier I won't be able to see my lower domain without a mirror.  But it's not totally my fault.  (Can men also blame Vogue and the media's unrealistic body image blah blah  Real fair, people.)

The 20 oz. bone-in ribeye at Texas Roadhouse (which is ungodly awesome if you ever get the chance) didn't do half the damage that Cici's all-you-can-gorge pizza did.  And it was surpisingly inexpensive.  Suspiciously so, $2.99 from 2-4pm.  I'm pretty sure Cici's must be a wholely owned subsidiary of Sauron Worldwide.  (Can somebody reasearch than and get back to me?  Thanx)

This is my theory:  Seeing how difficult it was try to subjugate man in chains of bondage, the dark lord has since found how easy it is to weaken us with chains of fast food restaurants.  His bitter defeat at the hands of Frodo and friends must have taught him that man would rise up in great numbers to shake off his poison, fry his buns and do him in.  But on the other hand, man would line up in great numbers if he merely offered that poison on a bun with fries and a shake.  Moreover, man would ask to supersize it and gladly do himself in one McRib/Whopper/Gordita Grande at a time.

Yes, we'll fight any foe to the last man if you try to destroy us.  We insist on doing that ourselves.
So be warned, if Sauron ever figures out a way to make cheeseburger flavored cigarettes it's game over for us people.  Game OVAH.

Anyway, in the unlikely event I don't win the Supe Bowl next year, that's the reason.  Just so we're clear.


  1. Funny stuff babe! You'll be in Olympic shape in no time....but we might have to make a pit stop at a Roadhouse if we see one. Those steaks WERE Awesome!!

  2. Oh my goodness, Mrs. NAG is here this morning. I wonder if I should take this opportunity to mention something to her? Well, maybe not. I think you should not eat gigantic portions even on vacation. I hate to think of you so chubby that you can't even see the hose you are so expertly aiming at those burning structures. And knock off some of the red meat, Dude. It's a killer! And get your emphasis on some fruit and veggies. I just hate to see a good man go fat!

    Now what was it I wanted to mention to your lovely wife? Oh, I'm sure it'll come back to me eventually.

  3. Isn't gluttony one of the seven deadly sins? And I believe worshipping the wrong team is another one...

  4. I know exactly what you mean. If it wasn't for whoopie pies, I would have been Johnny Bench.

  5. If I were God...May 21, 2012 at 10:22 AM

    First wife,
    I think this is the first time you're first!
    We should go to Roadhouse right away and celebrate.

    say what you will, extortionist! Even if your lips are not sealed, my bank account is.

    Nicky the Picky,
    It's only deadly if it's all the time. What happens on vaca stays on vaca. And 'worshipping' any team is wrong (under the False Idol act of 3000BC) and I certainly don't do that -if my frequent taking the Lord's name in vain during Giants games is anything to go by. I merely follow them and appreciate their flawed but ultimately victorious play. Following the wrong time doesn't have to be a sin, it's punishment enough, like say -oh, I dunno- ...following any in that lame wanna-be league the CFL?

  6. If I were God...May 21, 2012 at 10:30 AM

    Isn't it so much easier (and frequently more rewarding) to be Johnny Benchwarmer? And armchair quarterbacking is known to be easier on the back (and phyche) than actual quarterbacking. I think we're doing O-Kay buddy.

  7. That's some serious bling Eli is wearing. Maybe the Olympics will one day have competitive eating as an event?