Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Bigger Boobs the natural way

I see I’ve got your attention.  Although there is no proven natural way to up your cup under the <ahem> current administration, if I were god there would be.

Kourtney Kardashian would have only
needed the Miami sun to grow her bags
o' fun.

I’m not talking about some special lotion that you can rub in and hope for the best.  None have ever proven effective.  I am however an eternal optimist; and if you are too I’m willing to help you give it a try.  Submit a full length pic of yourself, and photo ID with year of birth clearly visible- 18 and over only, (except Mississippi 16 and over) and after seeing how pretty in need you are I might be able to help you.  If I rub one of these unproven lotions onto your nascent breasts long enough there's a good chance something will get larger.  ;op

Private arrangements notwithstanding, let's get back to the big IF;

Some time in her native Barbadian sun
would have given Rihanna the same
healthy lungs to go along with her
great pipes.

A man unsatisfied with the size of his chest can work his way to a more impressive and attractive size on his own.  All he has to do is a few weeks of bench presses for his body to respond and start to show an improvement the whole world can see.  It’s his to earn and enjoy –and looks totally natural because it is.  But if a man can change his physique without surgery and look great, why can’t a woman?  Not very fair, is it?

It seems only right that women be afforded the same option and opportunity.  If I were god I would give women the same fair shot at self improvement that men have.  Yes, you could size your own breasts; I would make it possible, but not through workouts.  That’s only good for muscles.  The breasts are not meant to be hard or strong.  They’re there for beauty’s sake.  Like flowers.  And like flowers you should be able to make your blossoms go into full bloom.  And while we’re at it, why not let it work the same way?  
Not much sun in England, but plenty
of rain.  Posh can afford to jet to Rio
anytime she wants anyway.

I would have sunlight and watering be all a woman would need to coax her little unopened buds into bodacious blossoms.  That’s right; you’ve got to show ‘em to grow ‘em.  See, now I’m making the whole world beautiful!  Overnight gardening would become the both the worlds most popular hobby as well as spectator sport.

Not to mention the explosion of 'volunteer watering can boy' as a vocation.

Of course very little would get done during 'the sunning' hours, providing a much needed break in this hustle and bustle world.  Gay men would gain newfound respect and appreciation as the only ones available to maintain vital emergency services during 'the sunning' as everyone else would either be sunning, watering or watching.  All would benefit.

After I installed this clearly needed change I would look down from on high across a veritable sea of freshly watered boobies glistening in the sun like so many nippled diamonds and I would see that it is good.  Ah, yes. 
Let beauty reign.

And it would be so, if I were god.

As always, If I Were God appreciates comments, ad-clicks and sharing of His articles.
AT LEAST CLICK THE +1 AT THE BOTTOM ! (for judgement day xtra cred)
He sees all; disappoint Him not.


  1. "The breasts are not meant to be hard or strong. They’re there for beauty’s sake."

    Wow. And to think all this time (ever since man evolved or the morning You made him outta dirt, whichev) babies have thought breasts were there so they didn't die of starvation.

    Thanks for clearing that up LOL

  2. One my best friends was in her late thirties and reminiscing about breast feeding her kid. He wouldn't take the nipple, so she had to pump. The only thing she remembered was pain. She summed the whole experience in one sentence. "I'm sorry, but tits are for fucking."

  3. I am all for this idea. I stopped caring if anyone was looking at my boobs a long long time ago!

  4. I have magnificent boobs. Ask anyone.

  5. You truly are a benevolent God, aren't you? As an all-seeing deity, I believe you are aware some of us don't particularly need bigger boobs.

  6. I suppose rubbing them against a man's face changes their shape rather their size.

  7. Luna,
    glad to help

    does that mean ambivalence or acceptance?

    Let me check the file... ah yes, you do.
    And you're welcome!

    true, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't get them watered once in a while. I happen to have a fresh can right here...

    yes, although the man would get bigger

  8. While I appreciate some nice boobs..... I find as I get older and I am looking for the right lady....I'm just more of a "bank account" guy.

  9. True genius here, my pseudo-lord.

    (I'll add the proviso, for any ladies who are interested, that I think ALL boobs are marvelous, of whatever size. Since this is your blog, I won't make an essay of it, though.)

    Anyway, I love how you considered everybody here, even the gay men. Absolutely true and clear genius.

  10. When I gain weight, it immediately settles in my chest before anywhere else... Of course that would be much nicer if I were a bit taller and did not immediately feel the added strain on my spine. :/


  11. Steve,
    note sure what 'bank account guy' means

    thank you, my son. Most geniuses are not appreciated in their own time. Of course that doesn't really apply when one is timeless...

  12. Mich
    some women would kill for your 'problem'
    others just get implants