Monday, July 11, 2011

If natural selection began in the womb

Oh, how easy every stage of life would be for the rest of us if only this were true.
Kindergartners would learn to read in a single year since they wouldn't be slowed down by the kid who eats crayons.
Fifth graders would be able to get through a whole Dr Suess book in one day since they wouldn't be slowed down by the six kids who still need ten minutes to sound out 'cat' and 'hat' every time.
High schoolers would be able to master world history and geography in one semester since they wouldn't be slowed down by the kids who point to Alabama when asked to find South America on a globe.
College sports teams would be able to field an entire team of student athletes who'd be qualified for white collar professions when their ball playing days are over.
Paris Hilton, Will Ferrel and K$sha would be unknowns with no fan base.
The only 'reality' tv anybody watched would be the news.
Fox News would not.
And George Bush, Sarah Palin and the Tea Party would've been the punchlines to jokes nobody ever heard.

This post is an homage to the work of Mike Stanfill, the creator of the FarLeftSide web comic, the Gary Larson inspired oasis of genius that inspired me to get back to comic drawing myself.  Making this one was fun; think I'll be doing more in the future.  Hope you liked it!

As always, If I Were God appreciates comments, ad-clicks and sharing of His articles. 
He sees all; disappoint Him not.


  1. I'm guessing that Porn probably wouldn't exist though... something to think about.

  2. I think porn would still exist, but it would only be the good porn, not the bad porn. There would also be good fetishes, but not the bad ones. God would have to make some judgment calls on that stuff.

  3. Free jelly! Well, the smart kid might come out...BUT only to be raised by some of those people I see on the "People of Walmart" site... Oh mannnn!

  4. Definitely do more drawing! And yes... if only.

  5. But are we not all made in your image God? And if you didn't want me to eat the freakin' crayons, you shouldn't have made them so darn tasty!!

    Please draw more. I likes the pictures.

  6. You shouldn't hope for this.... cause who would be left to read our blogs?

  7. Ick. I'm sorry God, but those "jelly" sandwiches. Kinda made me want to hurl.

    Just a bit.

    But as you wish dear God.


  8. Kev,
    sure it would, but it'd be better written and acted; it might even be respectable!

    to each his own; this applies to all things, especially fetishes

    there might not be anybody to be on 'people of walmart'

    thanks. You've got a very nice cartoon avatar of your own on your site. Pro job?

    yes, but some of those images were of my ass!
    Also, if you think crayons are tasty you definately belong on the 'little bus'

    only the smarties, Steve. Raises the bar a bit, yes. Any pro athlete will tell you that 'bar raisers' make them better

    that only means you would not have been selected 'out' in the womb's "there can be only one" derby. Now I have an idea for a sperm/racecar derby cartoon. Thanks!

  9. These comments are the best. Your readers came from the eastbound sperm.

  10. Jealous of the artwork. Nice job.

  11. Dear Not Actually God:

    I hope you are a forgiving and generous deity. Forgiving, since I am answering a reply left at my place via one left at yours which has nothing to do with your post. Generous, because, well...

    My practice is to link to those whom I like and who also provide a link to my pitiful scribblings on their sidebar. Since I didn't see one here...

    Did I miss it? I'm only human, unlike yourself.

  12. Thank you for pointing out my blindness. Why, yes! There it is! And, since you are such a hilarious non-deity, I have the extreme pleasure of informing you that you are now listed among the "single listing" listings, with Knucklhead, etc., as you deserve. Would have done it long ago, but, well, see comment above.

  13. Fredazoa,
    yes, my peeps come from the finest stock

    you flatter me; they're horrid little scribblings, nothing more

    thank you, sire, thank you indeed

  14. Thanks for stopping by my place - and for dropping the $2 on my book. Hope to see you around there more often.

    I like your stuff... You have a very funny blog!


  15. Love the cartoon! You are quite gifted! But of course you are, what else would God be?

    Ahhh, a world without Paris Hilton, Will Ferrel and K$sha *slips into a daydream*...