|Apparently, gravity is the first thing that gets switched off. Avoid wearing short skirts.|
Are you prepared if it happens on Saturday? More importantly, are you prepared if (when) it doesn’t?
Either way you’ve come to the right place. (What kind of would-be god would I be if I couldn’t at least prepare you for this? -Not a very good one! But have no fear, I will NOT be the George Bush of deities, that’s for me-damn sure. As I am my witness, I will have you prepared come what may, so help me Me.)
Take notes or print this page, for whether ye be believers or not, whether it happens or not, I’ve got you covered. These are the things you’ll need in your kits and why.
IF it happensBeliever's kit
Tall saddle; for your high horse
Living will; since you won’t be dying, but you will be leaving, you can give it all away
Hand held personal recorder; to make “I told you so’s” for sorrowful sinners left behind
Fruit-proof Riot shield; for defense against those same jealous, angry and fruit-armed sinners
Airsickness patch; to guarantee an enjoyable ride heavenward
Designer sunglasses; it's going to be bright up there so you might as well look good
Autograph book; so all the saints, prophets and of course Jesus can sign it
Tissues; for your weeping
Mouth guards; for your gnashing teethFruit & hooks; fruit to throw at the departing believers, hooks to pull their shields down first
Vitamin water; you’re going to be thirsty where you’re going
SPF 500; you’re going to get burned where you’re going
Assless chaps; so you can bend over and kiss it goodbye
Shotguns and machetes; for the zombies. Did you not know about the zombies? Oh man...
Heat-resistant K-Y; because if hell is anything like earthly prisons…
IF it doesn't
(and it won't)Believer's kit
Tissues; for your weeping
Mouth guards; for your gnashing teethBaskets; to gather all the fruit thrown at you earlier; you’re gonna be hungry
Map of local homeless shelters; you gave your house away when you were SO sure, 'member?
Pup tent; not every town has homeless shelters
Help wanted section of newspaper; you’re going to need a new job
Meat cleaver and butcher's knife; if you can't find a job you might have to eat that high horse
Loud home sound systems; to drown out the incessant weeping of wandering believers
Shotguns; to keep them from re-entering your new home (their old home)
Garage locks; to keep them from re-claiming your new car (their old car)
Blackout curtains; to make homeless hungry believers believe you’re not home
Liquor and hors d’oeuvres; for the party baby, for the party
New clothes and a hot car; like catholic school girls on spring break, those disappointed believer babes are going to need to break out and break out fast
Look people, their will be consequences and repercussions whether it does or does not happen. But either way it always pays to be prepared. Now stop thanking Me and go prep your kits. You're very welcome. Go!