Thursday, May 19, 2011

Free RAPTURE KITS -are YOU ready?

Apparently, gravity is the first thing that gets switched off.  Avoid wearing short skirts.

Are you prepared if it happens on Saturday?  More importantly, are you prepared if (when) it doesn’t?
Either way you’ve come to the right place.  (What kind of would-be god would I be if I couldn’t at least prepare you for this?  -Not a very good one!  But have no fear, I will NOT be the George Bush of deities, that’s for me-damn sure.  As I am my witness, I will have you prepared come what may, so help me Me.)

Take notes or print this page, for whether ye be believers or not, whether it happens or not, I’ve got you covered.  These are the things you’ll need in your kits and why.

IF it happens
Believer's kit
Tall saddle; for your high horse
Living will; since you won’t be dying, but you will be leaving, you can give it all away
Hand held personal recorder; to make “I told you so’s” for sorrowful sinners left behind
Fruit-proof Riot shield; for defense against those same jealous, angry and fruit-armed sinners
Airsickness patch; to guarantee an enjoyable ride heavenward
Designer sunglasses; it's going to be bright up there so you might as well look good
Autograph book; so all the saints, prophets and of course Jesus can sign it

Non-believer's kit
Tissues; for your weeping
Mouth guards; for your gnashing teeth              
Fruit & hooks; fruit to throw at the departing believers, hooks to pull their shields down first
Vitamin water; you’re going to be thirsty where you’re going
SPF 500; you’re going to get burned where you’re going
Assless chaps; so you can bend over and kiss it goodbye
Shotguns and machetes; for the zombies.  Did you not know about the zombies?  Oh man...
Heat-resistant K-Y; because if hell is anything like earthly prisons…

IF it doesn't
(and it won't)
Believer's kit
Tissues; for your weeping
Mouth guards; for your gnashing teeth              
Baskets; to gather all the fruit thrown at you earlier; you’re gonna be hungry
Map of local homeless shelters; you gave your house away when you were SO sure, 'member?
Pup tent; not every town has homeless shelters
Help wanted section of newspaper; you’re going to need a new job
Meat cleaver and butcher's knife; if you can't find a job you might have to eat that high horse

Non-Believer's kit
Loud home sound systems; to drown out the incessant weeping of wandering believers
Shotguns; to keep them from re-entering your new home (their old home)
Garage locks; to keep them from re-claiming your new car (their old car)
Blackout curtains; to make homeless hungry believers believe you’re not home
Liquor and hors d’oeuvres; for the party baby, for the party
New clothes and a hot car; like catholic school girls on spring break, those disappointed believer babes are going to need to break out and break out fast

Look people, their will be consequences and repercussions whether it does or does not happen.  But either way it always pays to be prepared.  Now stop thanking Me and go prep your kits.  You're very welcome.  Go!

As always, If I Were God appreciates comments, ad-clicks and sharing of His articles. 
He sees all; disappoint Him not.


  1. Oh my gawsh! (I would never say oh my god...that would be disrespectful to ye.)

    I'm soooo glad you addressed the issue of gnashing. Now where can I get a mouth guard decorated with skulls and crossbones?

    Hey I wanna look cool whilst gettin' my gnash on.

  2. Thanks for cluing me in on the (and it wont)big IF factor. I had been a bit worried that I had not prepared for the zombies, but now I must go prepare to dig some moats to protect my new cars and properties - maybe I can get a backhoe cheap...

  3. As near as I can see from this, we're pretty much screwed either way. Looks like I'd better start drinking very early in the day.

  4. I just want to be clear on the it illegal for the non-believers to give their tissues and mouth guards to their believing neighbors on Saturday? They'll likely need the lending hand...LOL

  5. Since I have false teeth, will I be exempt from the gnashing? I'm willing to weep twice as much, if that helps.

  6. I think we both know what's going to happen to me on Judgement Day, God. We also know no kit is going to help.

    On a side note, looking over at your list of disciples over there on my right and I noticed a certain member of your congregation is missing. Leads me to wonder why hast thou forsaken me?

  7. I'm not going anywhere. And neither is my husband. Who would take care of our dogs? Also, Lady Gaga isn't going and who would be worth listening to without Gaga? Why throw fruit at those people being raptured? Won't we need to save the fruit to eat when all the locusts arrive and eat everything up? I'm all for being prepared but you have overlooked several things that could be important. Just to be on the safe side, I'm wearing a short black leather mini skirt on Saturday. If something tries to yank me up, when they see the skirt they will realize I am not holy and I'll drop right back down. Thank you.

  8. Quirks,
    since you're often first in the comments here I'm sure you'll be first in the custom-mouthguard line

    Every Ho I ever knew was cheap, so there ya go

    Welcome back, bro! Yes, they'll need all the charity they can get their disallusioned hands on

    you can try the new Rapture Dentures, they have a battery-powered auto-gnashing feature

    Nicky Magdalene,
    I know not what you mean my child

    Dost thou not wish to be Raptured? 'Tis much better than being ruptured, believe you me

  9. I don't want to be raptured. And even if I wanted to, I wouldn't be. I've been sinning all day long with fetish porn. So there. Don't start bugging me about a silly rapture when I could write the book!

  10. God, would you put a link on this so I can "share" it on Facebook? It's really too good not to pass on.

  11. Camping should just say it really happened. All those left behind are under a spell to think it didn't happen. They are being tormented, but are programmed to think that everything is normal. Proves God is loving and compassionate. How can you argue against that?

  12. If I Were God...May 24, 2011 at 11:48 AM

    I almost did the next post with an angle just like that "Welcome to the Rapture". It looks earily like the mortal world you're used to, but it's not...

  13. Most of these comments are disgusting, blasphemous, and/or rude. If you hate the rapture and the Christians so much, go and do something else, then. Why waste your time talking about it, unless you're just having too much fun being cruel.
    As far as Harold Camping, he's a false prophet. Anyone who knows the Bible at all knows that no man can know the day or the hour of the rapture.
    Furthermore, although many people fell for Camping's false doctrine, bear in mind that those same people were deceived and lost much for their foolishness. I'm not excusing that, but "don't kick a man when he's down." That's low.
    Stop stereotyping, too. We're not all like that.
    Even if you believe in nothing, you ought to be ashamed of yourselves. Some of you seem to have no respect for anything but your own lusts.
    As far as high-horses go, some of you seem pretty up there, yourselves. Again, not all Christians are the way you describe them here. The point of being CHRISTIAN is to learn and strive to be CHRIST-LIKE. Sadly, and admittedly, only some Christians get the idea.
    It's funny how you scoff at Bible prophecy, and here you are playing a part in fulfilling it, and you don't even know it.
    The rapture most definitely is going to happen, and I wouldn't be joking about it. Scoff all you want, but at least get your facts straight so that when it really does happen, you won't be in the dark as to what is happening all around you.
    God forgive you. Find Jesus, and humble yourselves. Repent, because hell is quite real, and time is running out.
    I realize this "thread", if you will, is ancient, but I had to say something.

    Sincerely and with love,
    A long-time Bible prophecy student and follower of Christ...