Sunday, May 22, 2011

So your Rapture was a load of Crapture

No need to despair, the world's gotta end sometime.  And since people started making Rapture predictions centuries ago every one of the hundreds of days picked turned out to be wrong, you should feel comfortable in making your own.  After all, you can't do any worse than all the biblical scholars, astrologists, numerologists, preachers, teachers and other creatures that have tried before you.

Luckily there's an endless array of natural phenomena available for creative interpretation.  You can then look at the numbers associated with these events to figure out an apocalypse day that works best for you.  And when, sorry -IF it doesn't work out there's always more out there and numbers to play with.  You can do it your whole life if you want -a very good use of your life by the way.  You should give it serious consideration.

Step right up, pick a number, any number...
Don't be intimidated.  It's actually quite easy and fun.  Here's one I worked out this morning: 

I had Taco Bell last night and it was so God-awful I understood it to be a sign that the end was near.  After 6 burritos, two gorditas, and one chalupa (6-2-1) it took only twenty (20) minutes before I had to run for the bathroom eleven (11) times.  Clearly this means the world will end 6/21/2011.  -So in another month. 
(I checked the numbers twice, so frankly there's no way I could be wrong.)  If you value your afterlife at all you'll heed this warning.  Now go prepare.

As always, If I Were God appreciates comments, ad-clicks and sharing of His articles. 
He sees all; disappoint Him not.


  1. First off, I know who I'm messing with, but I have to beg to differ with your conclusions. I had one (1) gin martini last night with two (2) olives. This drink was carried to me by a woman with 18 braids in her hair at precisely 19:00 hours. Now according to my calculations (and I'm really splendid at math) the rapture will happen on January 2nd, 2037. Mark my words. I've done this numerous times with horse races, and I sometimes win.

  2. See now, last night I had 6 Bloody Marys, in the space of 6 hours and then threw up 6 times. I'm not sure exactly what point I'm trying to make here.

  3. I stepped in cat puke 3 times before I bothered to wipe it up. It took 4 paper towels to get it all. The puking cat weighs thirteen pounds - at least she did pre-puke. Oh shit, now the numbers are all hazy again, aren't they?

  4. My hubby has selflessly offered to make any day I choose one that I'll be raptured...notgod can you do something to keep the kids away???

  5. "And on the eleventh poo, the Apocalypse was predicted."

    Given how insightful you are, I am now afraid of June 21st. WHY COULDN'T YOU HAVE JUST POOPED A FEW MORE TIMES!?!?!?!

    I'm not ready to go.

  6. I love your theory there God.
    Linda said you need a rocking button. I can totally hook you up, and code it for you.
    stop by my place. I made buttons for these people:
    and of course I also made mine, and my banner.
    Your banner is awesome btw.

  7. Linda,
    your math, like your taste in blogs, is impeccable. But your date is too far in the future for people to care. The ideal apocalypse window is 4-40 weeks.

    Nicky Mags,
    That 666 does not mean YOU'RE the devil. It means alcohol is the devil to YOU.

    The creator and ender of worlds does not do babysitting.

    like everyone else, I stop when I'm done.

    thanks for the offer. I have a button in the works I haven't gotten around to finishing yet.

  8. The world ends every time I crank it to Kim Kardashian. And then it gets better and starts up again.

  9. I thought the world had already ended and I was dead. Somebody please pinch me.

  10. Just tried to count the Spaniards I've...known.

    Decided I hate number games.

    Interesting suggestion for lifelong career, though. Perhaps you could recommend it as a viable option for leading Tea Party members?

    - B x

  11. If I Were God...May 27, 2011 at 9:37 AM

    wacking 'till you faint may be raturous for you, but it's not REALLY the end of the world

    for some it has, for some it has

    by 'known' I assume biblically?
    those tea partiers are probably already working their abacusses with one hand, and themselves with the other