Thursday, June 23, 2011

How to get RICH and HAPPY in America

Neither is easy to achieve, but both are within reach for anyone willing to do what it takes.  And both are well worth doing whatever it takes.  I know your attention spans are relatively short, so let's get right to it.

Fame = Rich = on TV

Fame + Rich + on TV = Happy

Let's start with RICH.  It helps to be born with money.  Being a Kennedy or even a Bush would help, but is not strictly required.  Hollywood or business tycoon parentage works just as well.  So choose your parents wisely -very important.  Already picked poor or middle-class (a/k/a soon2Bpoor) parents?  Poor planning on your part.  Have you learned nothing from Paris Hilton?

I'm so happy I could burst!

It helps to be born beautiful, but if you can't swing that any better than being born rich you must start by being honest with yourself.  You are a tragically flawed primate riddled with physical imperfections, body hair, inadequate breasts/penises, fat, cellulite, pimples, body odor, low intelligence, impotent rage and no marketable talents.  This is a very fortunate position to be in, it makes you a perfect reclamation project for reality TV.

Get yourself on a makeover reality show, pronto.  Your fame/wealth/beauty and duh *happiness* will all rise hand in hand.  If you're not quite fat or gross enough for this kind of show (again, poor planning people) then no other kind will take you either until you are fixed.  There's no market for a normal middle ground. 

If you're not repulsively obese you have to be rediculously gorgeous to be on TV.  This means you'll have to get waxed, plucked, pumped up, trimmed down and tanning-boothed on your own.  Remember, the way to wealth and happiness in America is media fame.  They don't hand that out to the fat and ugly.  If you're starting out as fugly (you did say you were American, right?), you must de-fugify or you'll never get cast in any other class of show.

Can't afford the gym/tanning memberships?  Car's in the shop so you can't drive to the gym?  Head for the local park. On the way you can hop over the homeless along the sidewalk as if they were hurdles.  Great exercise vaulting the but-for-the-grace-of-God-there-go-I set.  If they're considerate they'll have arranged themselves horizontally at 2 meter intervals.  Least they could do, really, for the use of our sidewalks and old shopping carts.  And don't let their plight slow your own momentum, YOU have a goal.  If you stop to give them money they'll only buy food with it.


Education and hard work. -a fool's paradise.  The unemployment lines are rife with PHD's and MBA's.  The more experience and education you have the more your multinational will save by outsourcing your job to India.  Plus they make you read all sort of books in college.  Who reads anymore?  I know.  You could have been spending that time getting an even tan and a tight sixpack.  TV has no use for farmer's tans and flabby abby's.  This is not the way to fame fortune & happiness; easier to win the lottery.

We already have a new light bulb.
Even this photo of it is already
copyrighted.  Just get on TV, ok?

Trying to get there by being a brilliant inventor is also an illusory scenario.  More new millionaires are made by game shows than innovation.  This is not the early 1900's where the field was wide open and access to markets was clear.  The routes to retail have been bought up and fenced off long ago by the current masters of industry.  You'd have to sell them your idea, and hope your lawyers closed enough loopholes in the contract so you don't get ripped off too badly.  Even so you'll only get a penny or two on the dollar, so bring a jar.  This is not the way; easier to get hit by lightning.

Write a book for your kid, let's say about a boy wizard and his adventures, and hope it becomes an international bestseller?  Are you kidding?  Nobody reads anymore.  The written word has migrated to Facebook memes and misspelled tweets, not original novels.  This is not the way; easier to get hit by lightning while winning the lottery.
And don't try to bypass TV fame and riches in an attempt to find happiness directly.  Meet somebody wonderful, fall in love, get married, raise a family and live a quiet life?  Bor-ring.  Yes, you might luck into an Oxycontin addiction and get to go to rehab.  But it won’t be Dr Drew rehab –you’ll be neither rich nor famous.  Ergo, not happyYes, you might have the support of a loving family to give you the strength to recover and reclaim your ‘life’, but it won’t be real happiness -or a real life.  You’re not even on TV.  Get with it.

How to work your new reality show
Molestation - the 'fondle' way to fame

As always, If I Were God appreciates comments, ad-clicks and sharing of His articles. 
He sees all; disappoint Him not.


  1. Dear God? This was brilliant!

    However if one must "defugify" herself, how doth ye explain Snooki of tv fame and fortune and delirious "drunk" on happiness.

    heh heh

    Cuz she's freakin' fugly!


  2. This is very interesting. I think the trick is to be happy with what you have. I hear what you are saying about reality tv, but really, what's so great about that? Living in a little artist's loft in Paris and eating canned beans can be so romantic while you pursue your dream of making cool whip sculpture to be sold on ebay. You could also just write bad poetry and enjoy every moment of it. Either that or you can just marry Hugh Hefner. Much easier.

  3. Doesn't Oprah give people money for kissing her behind? I can't believe anyone would kiss it for free. Kissing and telling would be a sure way to get on all the chat shows.

  4. The part about invention sucks for me.... basically you're telling me I'm not gonna get rich... even after I sunk all my money into my invention.... Trojan Minis? You know for the guy who is tired of fooling himself.

  5. I'm going to spend the rest of my day contemplating the concept of "impotent rage." Not that it's my excuse for mediocrity. Rather, it's just such an elegant term.

    It can be turned into an asset. Will Ferrell uses it quite effectively in nearly every movie. It's not the entire reason for his success, but he does ti very well.

  6. There is a reality show that's just been greenlit by Oprah's new network, which will begin with six of the most ugly contestants that they can find. I don't know the details - what you can win or what they do with you or to you - but you can't be too fat or too thin or too anything, really. It's just got to be organic ugliness. A guy on the show told me that missing one of your front teeth is a big plus, though, and also a mole by your nose like Barack has.

  7. If I Were God...June 27, 2011 at 1:11 PM

    thank you muchly

    why would I marry Hugh Hefner? Why would HE marry ME?

    yes, but on her ass it's by the acre. That's a lot of ground to cover before you can get paid

    don't despair. You can sidedoor your way in; bring your invention to talk shows and late night.

    even I don't know the reason for Will Ferrell's success -and I freakin' know everything!

    'organic ugliness' is term I've never heard before. You might have a catchy blog title there.