Wednesday, June 8, 2011

What if it HAD been the end of the world? What's next?

While it is unlikely the zombies will dance in unison when they come,
it is highly probably that the gloved one will lead them if they do.

  The end might be a good thing.  Not for you of course –not with all the fire from the skies, rivers of smoking lava and flesh-eating zombies chasing you down.

  But good for the face of the earth.  If you think of people as pimples (as I often do) then the end of the world is really just like a long overdue ProActiv treatment.  It worked for Jessica Simpson (also somewhat spherical, but a nice clean face).

  The world would have a chance to start over.  Think of the possibilities…
The new version could be anything God wanted.

  If you think of God as an artist, does He go through phases like say Picasso, seeming to have a different personality with each incarnation?  What new vision would be realized?

  An all water world is an interesting option.  The people would have to be Mer, of course (mermaids and mermen).  But if it didn't work out for any reason He’d need a new ‘screw everything’ mechanism since 40 days of rain would hardly be noticed.  There probably wouldn’t even be a word for ‘flood’.  What would it mean? 
  Maybe a giant cork at the lowest point on the bottom, which would allow Him to literally pull the plug if He really got pissed.  “And it drained for 40 days and 40 nights until all the land was uncovered and all the wicked perished, drying in the unwater.”  Maybe He’d have a devout old merman build a giant pool and gather 2 of every fish, to start over later on.

Not such a stupid movie now, right?
  But He’d have to forgo His favorite rite of homage; it’s hard to burn sacrifices on an underwater alter.  It kind of makes the allure of a water world, uh, evaporate.  Fortunately there’s still an endless array of land options.

  He could start out with his original plan but instead of icing the dinosaurs He could evolve them into the new people.  Massive grazing behemoths complaining about the weather and their noisy neighbors in between dumpster sized bites of food.  Kind of like the show Mike & Molly, except everybody’s like that but with scales and tails.
Graze with me?
  It could be anything really.  It makes me wonder what the next incarnation would be if His tastes were like some bloggers I know.

  What if He’s like Fred?  The earth would be an idyllic forest glade overrun with talking dogs, naked people dancing and singing and all the flora would be smokeable. (which as we all know promotes naked dancing and singing.  It can’t just be me.)

  What if He’s like Nicky?  Most everything would be made of cheese, even the animals.  Cheddar cheetahs would be chasing down Gouda gazelles. Parmesan pumas would climb after mozzarella macaws.  I don’t know how sustainable such a world would be (it would sure smell funny and of course everybody would be constipated within the first week) but you know she’d try.

  If it were up to Linda we'd be back to the water world idea, just so she could get her mitts on some Nigerian sailors.  To each his own, as they say.

  What if He's like YOU?  What would the next creation be like?

As always, If I Were God appreciates comments, ad-clicks and sharing of His articles. 
He sees all; disappoint Him not.


  1. This is why I recommend that people re-write their own Bible every year. The lesson they eventually learn is that the Bible is hardly a moral code. It is a love story.

  2. Oh dear Dude, you must realize that there's more to life than Nigerian Sailors. While I admit I find them adorable, they are not that hard to come by. I want unicorns and god and goddesses back. I want magic to walk the land again. I even think tossing virgins into volcano's would be good sport. (No, I would not be at risk myself.)

  3. We have got to get together one of these days and have a long discussion about Spongebob over some home made brownies.

    I'm not sure how my world would be. I do know there would be shoe stores everywhere, and within walking distance.

    It might be time for me to take a good hard look at my priorities.

  4. My husband calls me a tree hugging hippy. I like to many of life's luxuries to be a real hippy, but when it comes to peace, love and why can't we all just get along, I'm a hippy. My perfect world would be for people to love and accept others for who they are, not who we want them to be. Well, except for murders, rapist, child molesters, people like that. But then again, in my perfect world, they wouldn't exist. Oh, no politicians allowed either.

  5. You forgot about the shoes. The new cheese world would have lots and lots of shoes. And boots. High-heeled boots. They wouldn't be made of cheese, though. Everything else would, but not the footwear.

  6. I like the idea of cheddar cheetahs, but I worry that they might be too fast to catch and eat.

  7. He might want to rethink that whole "free will" thing since we all know how well that's turned out. Personally, I'm hoping he'll make us all bi-sexual. Twice the dating pool and one less group to hate on.

  8. @Jayne. Everyone has his price. I'd be bi-sexual for a million dollars a week or $50 million a year (discounted price).