Monday, June 27, 2011

How to get RICH and HAPPY in America part II


You have to get on a show first, of course.  The way in, the 'pearly gates' to this heaven if you will, is the interview.  You must nail it like Tommy Lee on Pam Anderson.  The key to this is sincerity.  Not "I hope the new crop programs can finally end the starvation in Africa" sincere -reasonable empathy is not marketable and has no place here.  You want "America will love me because I'm REAL -and I don't take no shit from nobody" sincerity.  See?  That people will watch.  If you ghetto slide your head back and forth on 'see' they'll even put you in the promo.  Then you're IN baby.

Season 2 Jersey Shore Cast
Talented: NO      Intelligent: HELL NO      Rich, happy & on TV: FUCK YEAH!
Once on the show it's vital to keep your priorities straight.  This is not about winning.  That might take true talent at a skill that has meaning and value to the world and years of dedication to develop that skill to championship levels.  Even if you had the talent (yeah, right), who has the time?  Much easier to jackass your way there. 
Winning is not the most rewarding goal.  Being talked about is.  You want to be remembered beyond the length of the show and have people salivating over what wild thing you’ll say or do next.  Be unpredictable and unreasonable.  You don’t have to be batshit crazy, but it helps.  The more attention you get, good or bad, the better off you are.  It’s about screen time people.  Get it any way you can.  Remember, it's just like publicity -there’s no such thing as 'bad' screen time.  Get drunk.  Get laid.  Get punched in the face.  It all works.

Crazy stories from the past are always a big winner.  Parents who were either addicts or celebrities (preferably both) are a great start.  But if you lacked the foresight to have that set up ahead of time you can still say it's true.  What if somebody checks up on it in Wikipedia and you're not really Frank Sinatra & Whoopie Goldberg's love child?  So much the better.  Your debunking and confrontation means more screen time and a well-played tearful admission/apology can be pure gold. 

I cannot overstate the value of being addicted to something.  Not drugs necessarily -that's been done to death.  Something exotic.  There's a woman who's addicted to eating furniture.  Yes, you read that right.  Eating furniture.  Completely ingested a few chairs and couches.  Not in one 'sitting' of course -c'mon!  And don't pick this if it's going to interfere with your current eating disorder; you can't be bulimic and a couch glutton at the same time.  Too rough on the system.   You won't even make it to the season finale, never mind season two or -Gods be praised- a spinoff of your own.

If even self-victimization is beyond your meager skills there's always molesting to fall back on.  That one never gets old.


Not by being a molester -although that will get you on Oprah if you confess.  But by being molested.  That you can get some mileage out of.  Had a wholesome rape-free childhood?  That is a disadvantage, but it can be overcome.  You can 'remember' one that was 'repressed'.  Talk show hosts loooove that, and so do their audiences.  It helps them remember their own as the reasons they're unrich, untalented, unhappy and unsigned to any shows TV themselves.

Oprah always learns from the best.  Here she
is shown how to make touching look innocent.

Important: These epiphanies don't have to be real, just plausible.  Include phrases like "At first I thought uncle Jim was playing a game when he led me to the basement…"  The ultimate coup would be if you could lure an unsuspecting parent or grandparent to the stage with you for an ambush.  That opens an opportunity for the classic accusation/forgiveness arc.  It’s best if you have a writer phrase it for you but it can be something as simple as “I remember the time you grabbed/fondled/penetrated me with a carrot/ladle/finger after Easter/Thanksgiving/Christmas dinner.  It’s what led to my obesity/various addictions/singing career.  I know you must be in denial about it –I was too!  But I remember now, and I forgive you.” 

All good stuff, but even that's starting to get old and is simply not enough anymore to ‘trend’ you on Twitter.  For that you need a little extra luck; maybe your stunned parents will go postal and throw a chair or their colostomy bag at you on camera. (I know, I know -the preferred projectile of actual postal workers is hot lead from pistol-grip assault rifles, not colostomy bags.  But that's only because they're professionals.  Amateurs must use whatever is handy.)  The ultimate would be if they have a stroke right then and there.  That shit would go viral in the first five minutes.  I cannot stress this enough:  It.  Would.  Make.  You.

Alright, enough coaching.  Get out there already.  America is waiting.

As always, If I Were God appreciates comments, ad-clicks and sharing of His articles. 
He sees all; disappoint Him not.


  1. Throw a colostomy bag? Haha! Wow!That would be shitty!

  2. I really think everything you've suggested has been done to death. Now, how about something "fresh" like a penchant for "human litter box parties". It could be sort of like the last frontier. Addictions, molestations, even arson gets boring after a while. Nobody has ever seen or attended a litter box party. Think of the fun! Now, scat!

  3. It's's like watching a trainwreck! You want to look away..but you just can't!!!! I have to admit...I watch it for that reason alone! Sorry NAG! xoxoxo

  4. I don't think I could pull off lying about Uncle Jim, especially since I don't have an Uncle Jim. I don't particularly want to eat my furniture either (low-carb diet, and all). Could I just hoard shoes instead?

  5. I read this out loud to Tessa. It is even funnier out loud. You sound like the actual producer of these shows.

    P.S. Linda, Tessa says, human litter is just gross.

  6. Oh, Tessa! Yeah, it is gross. That's the point!

  7. If I Were God...June 29, 2011 at 8:56 AM

    *Kshhhh!* <--rimshot

    even death's been done to dea- oh, forget it

    Wife of mine,

    you don't actually have to have and uncle Jim to base your baseless molestor story on. Isn't that awesome?

    thanks man. You made me read it again and yes, you're right, I am goddamn funny. I can't fathom why nobody is reading anymore.

    It would sell, believe me, it would sell. Just don't do it.