Thursday, March 8, 2012

You can't heal injured furniture with an ice pack


But that didn't stop my 2 year old from trying. 
Ours is something like this.

I have to lay this one off on my wife.  Every little kid wants their boo-boo's kissed.  I'm sure we all get that.  But at some point my little one fell hard enough that a kiss wasn't deemed soothing enough.  My wife offered her an ice pack that fateful night and she nodded 'yes' probably without even realizing what an ice pack was.

My guess is it was just validation of a boo-boo that really hurt.  Now she asks for one all the time.  She can trip on the carpet, land on its softness and even though there's no visible scrape, bump or bruise, whisper through trembling lips "ne-ed ice!"

Fast forward to last night.  She's coloring a Dora picture on a tray table while sitting on our tan soft fabric couch.  It wasnt' long before the paper was on the couch and she was coloring there, which of course organically led to her coloring the couch itself.  My wife caught her one thick twelve inch green line too late.

I'm not going to say I went ballistic -I am not an intercontinental cruise missile.
I'm not even going to say I yelled.
But I guess I must have been loud.  She started crying. (Okay, so I yelled.)  I lowered my voice and tried explaining that she can't color on the couch.  But she just kept crying.  What a baby, right?

My couch is a lot like this one.
Hot chick sold separately.

So I tried to explain that she hurt the couch and can't ever do that again.  "Hurt" is something she understands.  She also understands what one must get for a "hurt".  She asked her mom for ice and I joked "For hurt feelings because I yelled at her?"  But she went over to the couch and put the ice on its green boo-boo.

It was so adorable I couldn't bear to keep her in the punishment closet for more than two hours after that.  That's quite a reduced sentence for cute behavior.  (I never got sentence reduction when I was a kid.  And I was cute as hell! How do you reduce a caning anyway?)

I'm kidding.  Of course, I'm kidding.  What kind of irresponsible parent do you take me for?  Any true disciplinarian will tell you anything less than overnight in a punishment closet is too short to make an impression.  A full 24 hours if you really want to be sure.

I promised her the day she was born I'd try my best to be a good dad, so 24hrs it is!  Now that happened about 6:30 last night....  The closet door didn't get locked until 6:50 or so... what time is it now?


  1. Sheik Shadey el MullahMarch 9, 2012 at 8:34 AM

    How much for the woman in red? I too have empty couch to fill.

  2. You have empty brain case to fill too. Why not try that first?

  3. Sheik Shadey el MullahMarch 9, 2012 at 9:13 AM

    Oh, you again with sharp tongue -bust use for other things. Mullah means money you know; I am nice to all my wrenches. Why you no nice?

  4. Oh, where to begin?

    I'm sure you're nice to all your tools. I am not, nor will ever be, one of them.

    And why are you complaining? I thought you liked "spunk" in a woman.

  5. Only when it's mine, wrench, only when it's mine.

  6. Baron BombastardMarch 9, 2012 at 9:58 AM

    Here now, I can sit idly by watching this mismatch no longer. Young lady, and I assume you are young if your frightful moniker is anything to go by, you are taking unfair advantage of this poor middle easterner's being a foreign speaker.

    And you 'Sheik', if indeed you are such, aren't doing yourself any favors either. Your command of the language is like the Italian army's command of the field; mustachioed bravado proven inadequate in the face of fire. Sorry to have to say that old chap, but there it is.

  7. All right boys n girls. To quote my favorite Los Angelean philosopher, can't we all just get along?

    that girl isn't really for sale. As far as I know. And you're kinda asking for abuse.

    why so snottie? He may gottie alottie for your bottie!

    if indeed YOU are such, The Italian army can still point to Julius Caesar for pride. And remember France got outflanked by the Germans TWICE through the same damn forest; Mexico had 6000+ against 200 at the Alamo and still took how long to win there? The British lost to the Continental Army... Every nation's military has had its periods of dominance and impotence. Just sayin'

  8. True, but Caesar was a looooong time ago -a few decades before Christ. The Italian army's periods now come monthly! (Couldn't resist my good man, couldn't resist)

  9. I believe your parents may have believed that you are never to beat your children in anger. My parents beat us when they were happy, just to make sure we knew they loved us all the time.

    The fact that your little one is cute enough to get away with destroying a perfectly nice sofa with some puppy dog eyes and an ice pack really just says that she is:
    1. Smarter than we were.
    2. Cuter than we were.
    3. All of the above.

  10. "It was so adorable I couldn't bear to keep her in the punishment closet for more than two hours after that."

    If I had had coffee in my mouth, it would have been forcibly ejected.

  11. Ange,
    can't argue with you. She's also taller than we were -been in the top 1% for height for her age at every check-up/remeasuring since birth. I'm kinda hoping she becomes a super model. It's a good retirement plan. For me.

    What can I say? I'm a softie.

  12. You do realise she owns you, right?

  13. Okay, she's adorable. You cannot punish her. Ever. Quit yelling too.

  14. Nicky,
    might be true. She's the first to say "That's MY daddy."

    Spare the rod... (You know, if I hadn't used my rod once in a while I wouldn't even have a child.)

  15. HOLY SHANTER! I just choked! What in God's name makes you think 24 hours is sufficient?!?!? 24 hours! are you serious?! When I was maybe 5 I was painting with my bright red finger paints on my paper while the paper was lying on the white carpet in the living room. My cousin cam in, stepped in the red paint that was on the paint tray then stepped on the white carpet. Until the day my mother died she accused me of painting the carpet. I got in SO MUCH TROUBLE! So I am a proponent for lets see 15 years at least!

  16. Sweety,
    15 years? What is this, Hannibal Lechter's Dungeon Daycare?
    Although, it WOULD save a bundle on cloths, make-up, prom dresses...
    But nope, still couldn't do it.

  17. This is a tough call since that face is so adorable. However, you must fight against the urge to soften, g. No good can come from a 5-minute punishment. I have three kids, I know what I'm talking about.

    Since she's so young, may I suggest a cardboard box of shame rather than the closet? You can start slow and work up to 24 hours.

  18. It's a good thing you didn't teach her to put iodine on a 'boo-boo'. You might've popped a blood-vessel or two! HAHA!