Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Female sex moans; Fact or Fake-tion?

"Oh baby, that was (almost) great!"
According to's latest bubble-bursting 'health' article, not only are many a female orgasm (hereafter called a femgasm -you heard it here first) faked, but even a woman's bedroom moans and screams during the build-up are usually fakedUnless her vibrator has shorted and electrocutes her -those screams are real.  Other than that they're probably either false or at least not everything they sound like.

That's damn depressing.  Almost too much so for me to even finish that article.  All that time I thought I was digging for gold, to find I was merely digging in a coal mine long after the canary had died.  But I soldiered on, equal parts intrigued and outraged, ready to drop a few bombs in their comment section ...when the news got a little better.

Apparently those sounds are meant as encouragement and appreciation for the effort. And I immediately thought "Oh, like when the 'slow' kid draws a picture of a car or his house but it looks more like a two-headed duck sodomizing an apple and everyone says Oh how pretty!" -Also damn depressing.  Especially for the apple.

But I read on and it seems it's more of a bonding thing.  So I think it's more like making extra yummy sounds when somebody goes to the trouble to make you an extravagant meal and asks "What do you think?".  Some of those mmmm's might be for liking the taste, but a lot is for liking the person.  And them liking you back. And that's not so bad.  Deep down, the cook surely knows it's a mix but appreciates any mmmm they can get without thinking about it too much.

The Orgasmatron from SLEEPER; silly movie prop
or the most desperately needed invention ever?

I think the same goes for any Oooooohhhhh you hear in the dark.  Some of it's "I like that." and some of it's "I like you."  Both are good.  An Oooooohhhhh's an Oooooohhhhh, just take it and be happy!

Honestly, as it turns out, is not always the best policy.  Would you really prefer her to say "That was... nice.  I'd give it a 5.  But I like you so I'll let you have a few more tries to see if you can actually get me there."  Because that's no pressure.  I think six out of every half dozen successful relationships would tell you a tender lie beats a cold truth any day.

This is all making me rethink that age-old dilemma that bested Lincoln himself.  How does one answer "Do I look fat?" if she does?  Let's tackle that 800lb gorilla in the room next time, kay?

Disclaimer: IIWG does not recommend tackling gorillas of any size.
Caveat: But if you do, please have a friend video it (from a safe distance) and forward it here.

Steamy pic credit: macbayfoto


  1. If the orgasm was real so were the sounds. That's all I know.

  2. oooooh aaaaaah is trance talk... when someone is doing something very very nice to you... so nice that you go all tingly all the way to your fingertips... you simply do go speechless.... ooooh, aaaaah like your blog!

  3. Angie,
    You don't fool me, woman. And you're not tellin' all you know!

    my blog gets you all tingly to your fingertips? *smacks lips* Really? Please, go on...

    1. Hehe aaah well yeah, your blog is certainly playing right notes... So far. : )

  4. Hmmph! I think the sounds are real. Unless I'm saying "I think I'll paint this room yellow". That might indicate I'm really not that involved.

  5. If you are going OOOOooooooooooh instead of Mmmmmmmmmm at the dinner table - then get me what you are eating! Otherwise, oohs and aahs are real as they feel!

  6. Benevolent lies are a good thing. I'd even go so far as to say they are blessed, despite that pesky commandment thing.

  7. Hmm, I make a LOT of noise (2 of my adult daughters who have both lived with us on occasion complain about it) and I'm not faking that. Nor am I faking what goes along with it. I may have to change up our catch phrase from "wanna?" to "let's make some NOISE!"

  8. Interjections like "ohhhh" are inherently unspecific in their meaning. Some women utter statements or commands during coitus. Hotlips said "Strangle me!" to Frank Burns in M*A*S*H (the movie). Tackling 800lb gorillas is an activity for other 800lb gorillas.

  9. Linda,
    I'm sure Alex is gratified to hear you're gratified. And who paints rooms yellow outside of pre-schools?

    that only happens in When Harry Met Sally

    good intentions, right? I've heard they pave the road to someplace, but I'll be DAMNED if I can remember where.

    Good for you, babe, but I'm glad we're not neighbors!

    you are astoundingly well spoken for one who can't actually speak (grunts and roars aside). It's been decades since I saw M*A*S*H so I don't remember that scene, but it does sound like Hotlips.

    It's funny how every female commenter is saying "Not me!" Either I have the most honest readers in the blogisphere, or the vocal embellishers are too embarrassed to vocalize here. That's okay, I think a lot of men would prefer not knowing for sure.

  10. Truth to be told, not easy 'breaking the spell'... but nothing to do with sound effect! Best way to confirm - check the heart rate - very hard to fake.

  11. Hey God:
    Where can I find one of those electrocuting dildos? Anniversary is just around the corner... ;-)

  12. Ooooooooooh I found this informative!

  13. Hannah Bananna,
    I usually play doctor BEFOREhand

    You DO know your wife reads this too, right, 'genius'?

    That didn't sound like a real 'Ooooh'. Hannah, hand me that stethescope!

  14. Angie Uncovered NEVER fakes orgasms for me. That's all I know.