Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Kayla Khan, scourge of daycare

My nearly two year old daughter Kayla hit her first kid in daycare last week.  With a toy.
There’s no way to prove for sure that my daughter is not a descendant of Ghengis Khan; does not go back that far.  Alarmingly, I understand she struck from the east, as he did, and with little warning, also as he did, but I am fairly certain her attack was not aided by fast moving groups of mounted archers.  (Thankfully there are no reports of the presence of mounted cavalry of any kind)  This gives me hope she is not indeed a distant progeny of the elder Khan nor is she likely to sack eastern Europe and lower Russia in the foreseeable future.  I am quite sure that kind of aggression would get her kicked out of daycare, which would be terrible as this one is close, clean, cheap and her aunt Betty works there.

Why does she line them up like that, and call for reinforcements in Mongolese?
And who the hell taught her Mongolese?
But she did use a weapon.  I have a nagging feeling it may be my fault.  I have HBO and can stream Netflix.  As an infant she was in the room as I was watching all manner of unedited guy films, including Pulp Fiction.  Nobody was close enough to hear what she was saying as she struck that kid, but I dearly hope she wasn’t quoting scripture like Jules “And I will smite thee with a furious vengeance…”  I’d hate to think she was taking lessons from Tarrantino’s favorite hired assassin.  
You CAN hold it sideways for extra
menace, but that's punk.

Jules was only (pulp) fictional, but Khan was real as death, which he and his heirs meted out liberally on their various bi-continental tears.  Nobody could stop them either.  They out maneuvered and outfought every European army that tried to stand against them.  The only thing that stopped their epic onslaught was being called home.  When old Khan died, three princes were in the army rampaging through Europe at the time and had to return for the election of the new emperor.  That’s what saved Europe in the 13th century.
Daycare will have no such luck.  The only think that will stop a rampaging Kayla Khan is being recalled by the sound of her favorite show, The Fresh Beat Band.  It’s a live action song and dance show, quite gay, but kids love it.  Once that’s on, she’ll run over to cheer for Kiki, her favorite.  So heed this warning helpless villagers of daycare; once Kayla Khan yells “KIKI!” you’ve got a half an hour headstart to get the hell out of Dodge.  That’s time enough to reach minimum safe distance if you don’t screw around. 
You’ve been warned.

The day may come when only Kiki, on guitar, can save you.

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  1. Babe..I like to think she was provoked!! Our girl is a good girl!!!...but if she was to cause are right...the Fresh Beat Band...or her schoolyard crush...can snap her out of it! Laaaa la la la laaaa la!!!!!

  2. Awwww...she's such an adorable rampaging holy terror! I wonder which side of the family she gets that from...hmmmmm?

  3. I would make a more cogent comment, but that final photo has given me a dangerous spike in my blood sugar.

  4. Girls always hit for a good reason. Hell, our boy got sent home from daycare for threatening to kill a kid. I tried to explain that children understand and use hyperbole, but the daycare administrator didn't care.

  5. What's yours is mine. What's mine is mine. What's theirs is mine. This is so until someone tells me it is not and I cry and then... still mine.

    Someone probably took her stuff!

  6. What a wonderful and beautiful little no neck monster! She's gorgeous and fearsome. I love that in a girl.

  7. Sadly, as a musician, I will say that Kiki is the only one who LOOKS like she knows what she's doing.

    Also, If they ever do a kid version of Wrath of Khan, sign Kayla up.

  8. She spent some serious time on lining up those animals -- like any good general should. And growing up she suckled at the teat of Tarantino? Excellent!

    By the way, I never knew holding your piece sideways was punk. I like that!

  9. Rumor has it that Ghengis Khan actually ran a successful daycare as well.... huh?... who knew?