Monday, July 30, 2012

A TOOL of the Lord

I don't care what I look like;
chicks dig me!
I can remember eavesdropping on a series of talks my parents had with my older sister regarding not smoking, not drinking, not hanging out with the wrong crowd and absolutely not being one of ‘‘those types of girls”.  They might seem cool and popular, they cautioned, but it was an illusion.  Boys only wanted them for one thing, then they’d throw them away like yesterday’s newspaper.
I ignored most of it because like all young teens, I knew it all and my parents were dopes.  But they did pique my interest with all that talk about 'those types of girls'.  I wanted desperately to meet some.  Or at least one.  And one would do because I didn't accept their disposability theory.
Their “yesterday’s newspaper” analogy sounded purposefully misleading.  To a hopelessly horny virgin teen sex was like gold.  If I found a goose that laid golden eggs and was willing to give said eggs to me? -I would never never throw that goose away.  Years went by before I got to test my theory.  But it was worth the wait.  And I was proven correct.  And it was worth the wait.  Did I mention how much the wait was worth it?  If not let me reassure you, it was.

When I found a girl like that I didn’t treat her like yesterday’s newspaper.  Not one bit.  I treated her like yesterday’s dinner plate.  Sure she’s all sloppy and covered with crumbs, oily stains and whatever other detritus from yesterdays fantastic meal.  So what if that plate was now a little crusty and beginning to smell?  You don’t throw out a good dinner plate.  You wash it off and use it again.  
And the same goes for easy girls.  Wash, rinse, repeat.  The great thing though was unless she was a real skank you could count on her to do her own washing and rinsing.  The repeating was, heh heh, up to you.

Still on a doomed mission to save my eternal soul, the folks tried to convince me I was hurting girls like this.  I was prolonging their suffering by giving them a cheap substitute for love, when love was what they really needed.  As I pondered this I'd sometimes hear them talk about somebody who'd hit rock bottom by sagely stating "Best thing for them. Now the only way is up.  I think god set that up."  If it was a drunk driver hitting a tree, then that tree was a tool to stop them dead in their tracks.  If it was a punk getting arrested and doing some time, it was god who dropped a dime on them.  Whatever it was, the misfortune was deemed a blessing in disguise.  I tried calling them on it once and all I got was a lofty "The Lord works in mysterious ways.  That *whatever* was his tool."

And that ended any doubts I had about 'using' any of 'that kind of girl'.  Yes, she may have felt cheap afterwards, and lost even more self esteem.  Especially if I only called her when I felt like it, and only for sex.  I'm just helping her hit rock bottom, so she can rebound and find her higher self.  It's kind of a public service if you think about it.  The Lord does work in mysterious ways.  And me?  I was happy to be the tool.


  1. I love honest tools. I really do. I have no problem with helping bad girls reach bottom. In fact I have no problem with helping good girls reach bottom either. I think you are my brother that got mixed up at the hospital. But I don't believe that makes me the Virgin Mary.

  2. And maybe you're my cousin or something because I couldn't agree more. I was always searching for those kinds of girls and was happy as a clam (excuse the expression) when I found one. Throw her away? Hell no! She made my evenings much happier for about two years and then she found someone (or someoneS) else. Cool. We used each other for our mutual benefit. No problem.

  3. I must have been pretty naive. I never got this talk. The one I got was "if you don't stop doing that God will freeze your face like that." Guess I now know why I had problems with girls.

  4. Ha ha ha I was waiting for a turnaround and it never turned around. Which made this an even better post for me, I think? :) If it's given to you, why would you be rude and turn it down!

  5. OMG. I don't know how I missed this. I am still giggling, you tool.

  6. Ah, thanks be to the faithful. I know I've been away for a while, adjusting and making the most of my new life. (I am the nightstalker, in case you missed it) I'll be back soon. Promise.