I’ll wager it’s never even occurred to most of you that He should be getting the presents on His birthday, not us. We’ve had it bass ackwards all this time! It’s only His birthday after all. How would you like it if people threw a huge party on your birthday only so they could give each other presents right in front of you, but none to you. “Happy Melvin’s birthday, Sue! I got you a little something… wanna kiss me under this hanging plant in Melvin’s kitchen?”
How bad would that suck? On top of the obvious liability of having a name like Melvin, you have to stand there emasculated while everyone else gets gifts, gets drunk, and (at least one) gets Susan. And this happens every year. The final insult after getting your name dropped from the gifting list is hearing more and more people drop your name from the birthday greeting itself every year; “Happy Birthday Holiday, Sue! Wanna blow me under this plant? (or something more subtle)”
ENOUGH! We owe Him a gift, and you’re all chipping in. Got that? Okay.
Now, what would the Supreme Being want on His birthday?
Peace on earth and goodwill towards men -obvious of course, but wrong. Let's give the all-knowing a little credit. You have to figure He knows us better than that by now. If we've never had a year without armed conflict ever (and we haven't) then we're not going to all wake up tomorrow with a sudden planet wide Amish disposition, and He knows it. Millennia of experience with us have to make it obvious that change, when and if it comes, comes incrementally. And those increments come sloooowwwwly. Beyond that one must factor in our trademark three-steps-forward, two-steps-back approach to progress. With all that in mind, His wish list is likely a study in lowered expectations. I can think of three right off the bat that I think He'd appreciate. Feel free to comment below and suggest more!
GOD'S OWN (not so) OFFICIAL
1. Pieces of the earth show less ill will towards some men (and hopefully some women too).
That's at least within the realm of possibility. The vague phrasing should help us get started. I myself will stop letting my dog drop doodie on anybody's lawn, even that IRS auditor from down the block (at least for a while). Now my piece of the earth is already less ill'n. See? It's easy.
2. Less abuse of His name as an expression of anger.
We should find a substitute for "Jesus Effin' Christ!" in times of great pain, e.g. when we catch our scrotum in a zipper or hear a sound byte from Sarah Palin. The implication of sex on His part is a dubious assumption at best. He's not Zeus, He doesn't come here to get laid. The next time we have a scrotal 911 mishap maybe we can try "Effin' Lindsay Lohan!" instead; this at least has a high probability of being true at any given moment anyway.
3. Less jumping to conclusions and assuming the worst of each other.
We all make mistakes at least half of which are honest ones. Let’s be sure there’s ill intent in another's actions before we take action ourselves. E.g. If somebody you don’t recognize is trying to gain entrance to your house, don’t brain him with a baseball bat right off. Give him a chance to explain himself. He might just be a tipsy neighbor coming back from nailing Sue at a party and mistakenly stumbled to the wrong house. But if he’s dressed head to toe in red with white trim and starts Ho-ho-hoing, lay that bat on him like you’re Mickey freakin’ Mantle. This whole damn thing is his fault in the first place.
Merry CHRISTmas to all!
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