Saturday, December 18, 2010

God's own Christmas list

I’ll wager it’s never even occurred to most of you that He should be getting the presents on His birthday, not us.  We’ve had it bass ackwards all this time!  It’s only His birthday after all.  How would you like it if people threw a huge party on your birthday only so they could give each other presents right in front of you, but none to you.  “Happy Melvin’s birthday, Sue!  I got you a little something… wanna kiss me under this hanging plant in Melvin’s kitchen?” 

How bad would that suck?  On top of the obvious liability of having a name like Melvin, you have to stand there emasculated while everyone else gets gifts, gets drunk, and (at least one) gets Susan.  And this happens every year.  The final insult after getting your name dropped from the gifting list is hearing more and more people drop your name from the birthday greeting itself every year; “Happy Birthday Holiday, Sue!  Wanna blow me under this plant? (or something more subtle)”

ENOUGH!  We owe Him a gift, and you’re all chipping in.  Got that?  Okay.
Now, what would the Supreme Being want on His birthday?

Peace on earth and goodwill towards men -obvious of course, but wrong.  Let's give the all-knowing a little credit.  You have to figure He knows us better than that by now.  If we've never had a year without armed conflict ever (and we haven't) then we're not going to all wake up tomorrow with a sudden planet wide Amish disposition, and He knows it.  Millennia of experience with us have to make it obvious that change, when and if it comes, comes incrementally.  And those increments come sloooowwwwly.  Beyond that one must factor in our trademark three-steps-forward, two-steps-back approach to progress.  With all that in mind, His wish list is likely a study in lowered expectations.  I can think of three right off the bat that I think He'd appreciate.  Feel free to comment below and suggest more!


1. Pieces of the earth show less ill will towards some men (and hopefully some women too).

That's at least within the realm of possibility.  The vague phrasing should help us get started.  I myself will stop letting my dog drop doodie on anybody's lawn, even that IRS auditor from down the block (at least for a while).  Now my piece of the earth is already less ill'n.  See?  It's easy.

2. Less abuse of His name as an expression of anger.

We should find a substitute for "Jesus Effin' Christ!" in times of great pain, e.g. when we catch our scrotum in a zipper or hear a sound byte from Sarah Palin.  The implication of sex on His part is a dubious assumption at best.  He's not Zeus, He doesn't come here to get laid.  The next time we have a scrotal 911 mishap maybe we can try "Effin' Lindsay Lohan!" instead; this at least has a high probability of being true at any given moment anyway.

3. Less jumping to conclusions and assuming the worst of each other.

We all make mistakes at least half of which are honest ones.  Let’s be sure there’s ill intent in another's actions before we take action ourselves. E.g. If somebody you don’t recognize is trying to gain entrance to your house, don’t brain him with a baseball bat right off.  Give him a chance to explain himself.  He might just be a tipsy neighbor coming back from nailing Sue at a party and mistakenly stumbled to the wrong house.  But if he’s dressed head to toe in red with white trim and starts Ho-ho-hoing, lay that bat on him like you’re Mickey freakin’ Mantle.  This whole damn thing is his fault in the first place.

 Merry CHRISTmas to all!

Hope you've enjoyed this!
Please use the buttons below to pass it on.
Oh, and every time you click an ad, a girl named Sue remembers to sober up and avoid mistletoe.


  1. I am truly enjoying HIS unofficial Christmas list!! :)

  2. That's interesting you mention about home defense. In Topeka last week there were two fatal shootings of people who broke into homes where the owner was sitting there with a pistol. Our little town of 70k. Kind of interesting.

  3. Loved the Mickey Mantle reference.

    And I think the Almighty would appreciate a nicely gift-wrapped pair of slippers. When you're supervising the entire universe, it would help if you're comfy.

  4. I always thought giving gifts was traditional of the three kings bearing gifts. How Santa got involved is a bit cloudy but I did leave a present for him when I was little. I'm with Knucklehead on the comfy footwear. I'd also leave Jesus a nice meal, no fish, lots of cookies.

  5. Apparently confortable slippers are something everyone agrees on. (I happen to be wearing a pair of Dearforms right now) Maybe it should be a requirement at the UN; starts everybody on a less formal but more comfortable 'footing' (pardon me). Maybe the Dutch rep could bring some hot chocolate, the Japanese ambassador could do a little shiatsu massage... peace accords and trade agreements will start droppin' like snow on Christmas. -watch it now snow now :(

  6. Those rumors about the UN...did you get those from WikiLeaks? Just wondering... :-)
    Good post!

  7. It did not escape my notice that Mr. Wikileaks does not like getting wikileaked on himself; the papers from his rape case are 'out'. The truth won't always set you free, sometimes the truth will get you five to ten.