Saturday, December 4, 2010

The Squirreldog and other new creatures

If I were God I'd add a few new creatures to the menagerie.  After dipping my hands into the CreationClay TM (patent pending) I molded my first new critter; the squirreldog, a gotta-have.  He's definately in.  But as a populist diety,  I'd like to hear which of the other proposed new creatures catches your fancy.

– it’s a dog with the body and climbing ability of a squirrel.  Loyal, smart and easily trained, the squirreldog will guard your house and yard better than a dog ever could.  Intruders are not safe even if they climb a tree or onto your roof.  The squirreldog can climb faster than you can run.  You don’t even have to feed it since it will forage for its own food from neighborhood trees.  This is however a double-edged sword; due to this knack for nuts male owners are advised to wear an athletic cup, even to bed, just in case.

-have a mouse problem but can’t stand cats? (They are Satan’s minions on earth, as you’re probably aware)  Then you could use a bearmouse.  It’s the size and shape of a large mouse, but with the sensibilities and dining habits of a bear –a bear that hunts mice.  When it eats its food supply down to the last Mickey or Minnie, it does not start foraging in your cupboards like the now-dead mice did.  It hibernates, like a bear.  If more mice move in later, their rodent stink will awake the bearmouse who will descend upon them with a ferocity not seen since the Old Testament (unrated version).

B.O. Bees
-very like the common varieties of bees in that they pollinate flowers and make honey.  This species’ reaction to scents is not restricted to a love of flowers however, but extends to a hate of foul smells.  If a human who hasn’t showered in a while enters the vicinity of even a single B.O. bee it will buzz angrily, attracting the rest of the swarm which will then go after that person like a biblical plague.  If the person makes it safely inside a building or car the bees will wait patiently for a chance to avenge their irritated noses.  The only way he or she can go safely outside again is to bathe, as the scent of soap and shampoo induces a valium-like calm on the swarm who then return to the hive for a honey latte and a nap.

-ever been out camping when nature calls but you don’t have any toilet paper handy?  No worries.  You can drop your pants and do what you must wherever you happen to be.  The smell will inevitably draw a small flock of nature’s newest avians; the stoolpidgeon.  No, they won’t tell a soul about your outdoor defecation.  But they will come close enough for you to grab them and use them as if they were a balled up wad of TP for a quick wipe.

(Not to be mistaken for Mothra-in-law, who famously nagged Tokyo to ruins)
-a wildly unpopular new creature, the moth-in-law is so named for being drawn to the pheromones of married men.  Unlike conventional moths which only leave larva which eat clothes, the moth-in-law actually feeds off male unhappiness, following the unfortunate husband around in order to make harassing comments at his place of work “You call this a job?  No wonder you can’t support the household on your own like a real man.”  Fortunately, the moth-in-law is a slow overweight insect with poor vision, making it a favorite and easy prey for birds.  Many a harried husband has put out bird feeders around the house, car and place of business to draw hungry birds to his vicinity.

-a little known but increasingly popular gift for unpopular bosses and wealthy in-laws.  It appears to be a simple houseplant, but at the rise of the full moon it transforms into the same genus of carnivorous flora as the plant in ‘Little Shop of Horrors’, devouring the first human to come within reach.  Smart gifters of the plant normally wait for the day or two after the last full moon before presenting a were-plant to their supervisors or in-laws.  By the time it were-ifies four weeks later nobody can remember where it came from or who brought it over in the first place.

-a dark cow that gives chocolate milk instead of white.  Though usually friendly and known to have rhythm, the cocoacow is forseen to be harassed by local authorities; profiled for special attention, pulled over for simply being on cowpaths in the better neightborhoods, and framed for crimes it could never have committed.

As always, If I Were God appreciates comments, ad-clicks and sharing of His articles.  He sees all; disappoint Him not.


  1. Mothra-in-law. Hilarious.

    How about a Cockbeaver? Wakes you up in the morning by banging its tail on the surface of a lake.

  2. Poor cocoacows. They need to get a major party candidate elected. And soon.

  3. Can I keep the squirreldog? I will love it and train it... please?

  4. I can think of nobody better, BUT- only if you buy Fred a cup first. They are known to have 'food aggression'. Did you see those jaws?

  5. Squirrel dog rocks. You need to make a squirrel dog t-shirt!

    Also... I saw "bear pigeons" in Dallas. They were these huge FAT pigeons. Jesus what the heck do they feed those things.

  6. Also, you can always leave links darling :)

  7. Bearmouse is good but you know I'm a dog woman. ;)

  8. I dig the Wereplant! This is some funny stuff!

  9. Thanks V. Early testing of the wereplant is inconclusive -nobody ever returns the surveys! Or is seen again...

    We were going to name our child 'Vegas', but only if it was a boy. (A girl named 'Vegas' is almost sure to be working the pole at some point) We're very happy with our girl Kayla, who's about to have her second Christmas.

  10. Yes, I need a bearmouse. Will he hibernate in the cellar? We don't really have any other place for him.

  11. He's small enough to find his own spot, and doesn't mind the cold. You probably won't even see him, but don't think he up and split on you. Weeks may go by without a hint, then a single squeek in the night -that just means it's working.