Monday, November 8, 2010

How to get into Heaven - (part II)

In the afterlife Heaven's definitely the place to be and everyone will want in.  That being the case getting in might be as tough as trying to get in the hottest nightclub in town; only the beautiful get in -the beautiful of spirit.  St Peter would be the hugely muscled bouncer with the clipboard at the front door, and very few would automatically make the VIP list (Mother Theresa, John Paul II, whoever invented Viagra...)  You might find that just not being a dick only means you haven't made yourself uglier.  The thing that will really count is have you been beautiful, which would make you beautiful -again, in spirit.

But if the nightclub analogy is too tacky for the heaven lover in you then I've got another.  Why not, nobody really knows what it'll be like so one imagining is as good as another.

What if it’s done more like the NFL draft where your good plays (in college) are weighed against your bad?  Your touchdowns count for a lot, but so do your fumbles.  Even Walter Peyton fumbled once in a while, but his touchdowns far outnumbered them.  We should learn from that example.  He’s in the Pro Football Hall of Fame AND heaven (probably). 

Keep it in mind for those times you just can't help being bad.  For every time you fart in your boss’s coffee cup you’d better make damn sure you help a few old ladies cross the street.  And if there’s only one old lady then help her cross a couple of streets whether she wants you to or not.  Even if it takes her out of her way.  Tell her Matlock’s in town doing a book signing a few blocks away, she’ll go.

So how else can one stock up on touchdowns?  Glad you asked.  The opportunities are legion, but you have to go further than simply not being a dick.  You need to go that extra mile;

I'm not saying you have to cure cancer.  Let's be real, you're probably not smart enough.  Although if you are you should definitely go for it.  You'll get fortune and fame here now, and absolutely get in up there later.
For everybody else simple opportunities abound.  Go on a date with somebody a full point or two below you on the ten-scale, but without making them feel it.  No need to go for an absurd disparity –like a Julia Roberts/Lyle Lovett match, unless you really want some prime real estate in the afterlife.  Let’s say George Clooney stopped dating models and married Susan Boyle.  He’d get a house in Mother Theresa’s Cul de Sac, maybe a nice expanded colonial next to John Paul II’s three story Victorian.

What else would help?
Let her hold the remote.  Every night. (might as well get used to GLEE and GREY'S ANATOMY)
Let him host/go to poker nights.  Without complaints.  (extra points for serving finger sandwiches or homemade dip) (extra, extra points for getting all dolled up so he looks like a stud and his friends get jealous)

I'm sure you have suggestions of your own, let's hear 'em!
And if you liked this post and this site please pass it to whomever you think will enjoy it -the more the merrier.  It'll definitely count as one of your good deeds -might even put you over the top. (better to send it to two or three people, just to be safe)


  1. Ever heard of FMK (fuck, marry, kill)? Sorry, but in an FMK choice, I might put Susan Boyle under "Kill" before I knew who the other two were. I'm probably going to Hell.

    This is good work. Keep promoting your blog. The readers will come.

  2. I love anyone who can use "legion" in a sentence. :)

  3. Hey! Thanks for the poem on my blog! You're there, now, Bro! I'm so flattered! I write poems for other people, but nobody ever writes poems for me! Thanks!

  4. That, down grade dating thing, is dangerous. It just leads to stalkers.

    I'm partial to the one about curing cancer, but I'm biased ont that.

    What about posting nice comments on random blogs? ;-)

    Btw, I was almost too juvenile to type the word partial.

  5. Hey, pretty clever stuff. I just started reading Fred, and since he's entertaining as hell, I figure he has good taste in blogs. Looks like I was right.

    Apparently I don't warrant a spot on his "Fred-Tested" list, but hell, I'm not the bitter sort.

  6. Hi Cesar,
    I tried to email you as requested. But through some sort of user error on my part, I'm sure, I could not find your email address. Here is the process through which I found your blog.
    I was reading the Fred blog. You wrote him a poem. I thought it was clever and clicked on your name. I found Fred because he wrote a funny comment on a Bloggess post. That intrigued me enough to wonder what his blog was about. I hope that clears things up for you.
    Thank you for the nice comments about Hannah.


  7. I'll love your blog forever because you used the word "smote." Not enough people do that.

  8. Funny. The analogy of George Clooney living on the same Cul du Sac as Mother Theresa caused me to coffee spit-spray my laptop. Which was rather like smoting my computer. Thanks a lot - cheeky monkey. You have a new follower (thanks Fred).

  9. How about pandering to idiot's sense of intelligence? I constantly find myself being explained the ins and outs of things I am already deeply absorbed in.

    So, if they don't actually notice the patronising tone in your voice when you say, "Oh, really, so -that's- what supply and demand is? Please tell me more about how the economy functions from the perspective of High School economics" then does that count as a good deed?

  10. Love to the lexophiles commenting above, Tessa and 'Vodka'. For the Jersey Shore fans out there this does not mean they molest Lex'es. (Though do I know a lonely Lex, if either of you are interested) They like words, like legion and smote. Something just came to me: SmoteLegion - an army I could use to clean out the baddies (all together now) if I were God.

  11. Kat(astrophy?)
    think of tolerating those dumber like dating below your rating. It's a generosity that grows your balance in the goodwill bank in the sky.

  12. Camille,
    try covering your keyboard in clear plastic before reading here again, it might help in the event of your next mouthgasm. And thanks for being a follower. (The first 12 get an official "I'm an apostle" pin)

  13. Mouthgasm? You should definitely submit that to Webster's...although, it appears to imply that the individual experiencing the mouthgasm is a dick...we may need a clear cut definition on that one...