Monday, November 29, 2010

Tips for Life (ages 6-10)

A year by year guide of Do’s and Don’ts

DON’T keep clinging to your little electric car.  If you haven’t learned to ride a bike by now you’d better get on it, literally.  And get those training wheels off as soon as you can.  Wear kneepads if you’re scared.  You don’t want to be the only kid in school who can’t ride a bike.

DO resist the urge to make fun of the kid who can’t ride a bike.  That could’ve easily been you.  The crowd will always pick on the weak kid, or the nerdy kid.  But they often make the best, most loyal friends.  You never know which undersized clumsy kid in glasses will be the next Bill Gates.  Not a bad friend to have.

DON’T skip any school trips, especially the zoo, museum, or aquarium.  Forge the permission slip if you have too.   Not only are they fun places to go, there’s an opportunity on the way too;  When they pair you up (so nobody wanders off or falls in the lion pit) position yourself next to that little cutie you like.  You’ll get to hold that soft little hand all day long.

DO try tee-ball.  It’s the easiest sport they have; ball just sits there on a stick.  Being on a school team early is the key to so many things.  But if you suck, it’s best to know it early.  You can start learning guitar or piano, it’ll up your cool.  The opposite sex won’t always seem so icky (if you haven’t grown out of that already.)

DON’T Obsess over your first cell phone.  Yes, it's cool but it's not life.  Life is what happens when you're not staring at a screen.  Except for this screen.   This screen tells you about life; always feel good about coming back to this blog for a good laugh and good advice.  -For which you're welcome, but it wouldn't kill you to click an ad or two while you're here either.  I get paid for that.

DO pay attention to the school lessons on supply and demand.  You'll learn the value of bringing a bag of cookies or chips to share and handing them out with a smile like you’re running for mayor.  If you can supply the goodies, you can demand respect and attention. (just don't come off as desperate)
DON’T be so quick to follow the 'cool' kids.  They're just as dumb as you are.  Sooner or later one of them  will ask you if you know about sexting.  Tell them you do, and it's how you get cooties.  Don't go near them again; they already have cooties.

DO act as cool as you need to in order to fit in, but never believe your own PR.  You're not that hip; you still like knock-knock jokes and you still have skid marks in your underpants.

DON’T laugh so hard in your first sex ed class that you miss the lesson.  You have your whole life to laugh at penis and vagina jokes, they're not going anywhere.  In fact, they'll get funnier when you really understand them.  But for now, pay attention in there.  It's great for staying un-pregnant.

DO enjoy still being a kid.  The internet age is making kids older younger.  That's not a typo.  Think on it.  Enjoy your fast disappearing childhood while you still have it.  Savor the flavor of it; it's like life's own virginity once it's gone, it's gone.

Hope you enjoyed that!  If you did, your share buttons are below.  This blog is still young and small, but you can help it to grow.  Under that is the 'Tips' post for ages 'fetus to five'.


  1. This is an awesome blog!!..and these lessons on true!

  2. This is fresh and funny and even tender. Don't be surprised if you see other people re-posting this. Take it as a compliment.

  3. I appreciate the love, people. I do. And I want to thank all of you for your support, for if it weren't for the fans I have, I would have no fans today.

  4. Looking forward to when you get to the "forty to forty-five" segment.

    Great stuff, Not God.

  5. This blog is really good! it's a funny idea and the different sections of the blog are really funny. This is def good stuff :)

  6. Chris@Knucklehead! wants to e-mail you an invitation to his blogoff in January, but we can't find your e-mail address. Shoot me yours at

  7. Since I spent 12 years on my knees getting smacked by nuns in my local parochial school I'm just going to go ahead and pretend you actually ARE god and hope that some clergy member somewhere gets really pissed about it. Not pissed enough to actually throw something at you, but maybe say a rosary in your honor?
    I dunno. Still, now you've got me rethinking that PR person I hired for myself in the 3rd grade