Friday, November 12, 2010

...Beauty would be earned

This blog was created 3 weeks ago to be about upgrades for Creation, and it's time I got specific.

If I were God...
Beauty would be earned, not given out blindly at birth like some half-assed lottery.  All children would start out looking average.  The cooler you were to your fellow man, the better looking you'd get as you grew up.  The more of a dick you were, the more you'd look like my dog's ass.  (Can you imagine what Dick Cheney would look like now?  Eesh.)

[The above excerpt is from my forthcoming book "What if God is Cheating on Us?" coming soon to a website near you]

I think that's a perfect place to start the upgrading.  It not only rewards the good and punishes the bad, it's an external conscience, a needful thing as so many ignore their inner one.  You'd either wake up in the morning to find your pores are a little smaller and acne disappearing and you know "I must be doing alright".  OR you'd find that little spot on your nose has become a wart the size and general shape of Justin Beiber's head.  Then you'd know you've been a dick and it's time to change.  Once it starts singing, it's too late.

The other huge benefit is the good could spot the bad a mile away and know to keep away from them.  (For those without binoculars it might be only a hundred yards or so, but still...)  Cops chasing a masked bank robber who ducks into a store would just have to look everybody over once to know who to 'cuff  "You, with the teen sensation on your nose, put your hands up and turn around slowly!"

A good day in Creation 2.0 (Feel free to act as my review board, and let me know if you approve)

If you enjoyed this, please pass it on - the more the merrier!


  1. You think like Oscar Wilde. You know, Picture of Dorian Gray and all that? That is an excellent idea, our beauty should be earned. God is so ironic. The more beautiful we get on the inside, the older and more wrinkled we look on the outside. I love your idea. Looking forward to your book.

  2. Not a thing wrong with that title art. If people take the time and effort to tell you they're offended you have made an impression. That's a very important objective. I rejoiced when someone told me that I was a sexist and not the least bit funny. See comments under All the Pseudo-Homos!

  3. Thanks for the comments, always nice to hear from a fan. I'm still debating if I should touch up the title art a little to cover a little more of her heavenly endowments. This blog is philosophical satire and I don't want it mistaken for soft porn. Ladies, any opinion?

  4. I definitely like the idea of beauty being earned. There are so many people out there who truly get by on looks alone. It would be interesting to actually see them work for it!!

  5. Now I really do feel like a ten -- inside where no one else can see it.

    Although this theory brings up a really interesting question: would bad people mate with other bad people or would they just die out?