Thursday, November 4, 2010

How to get into heaven

(part I of at least II or III -we'll see)

  Just don't be a dick.  Done.  Shortest blog post ever.

  Too bad it's not that easy.  Why?  Because sometimes it can't be helped and so much of it is perspective.
  Let's say you're choosing between would be girlfriends/boyfriends, or job applicants, or older pets on their last day at the kill shelter.  Horrible choice to have to make, Sophie knows.  You're the savior for whomever you pick.  But no matter how fair you try to be about it, to the one(s) you didn't pick you're the dick.
  You can't adopt every pet, hire everyone who needs a job or date every lonely woman.  Believe me, I've tried.  It's expensive and exhausting.  And you don't get even laid as much as you think you should for all that effort, unless of course you use a casting couch as a routine part of the hiring process (or dating process, or adopting process) in which cases you are definately the dick.  And God hates dicks, don't doubt that.

  All of the above may be accidental dickery (except that couch business, of course) which shouldn't be held against you, not if you were in an impossible situation wherein somebody's going to get screwed no matter which way you slice it.  This is the kind of spot in which most people would say "I don't want to play God"  And I have to ask, why not?  Don't be so spineless.  This is your chance to put a little justice in the world and feel good about it.  Embrace the power.  It doesn't happen that often.

  If you're choosing between job applicants and one is more qualified and experienced but the other is a single mom with desperate eyes, who would you choose?  If you're choosing between women to date and one's prettier but stuck-up while the other is plainer but sweet as pie, who would you choose?

  I put these conundrums before a guy I know, let's call him Richard, and asked him to adjudicate.  He had no problem playing God.  "That's easy, and it's the same answer in both cases.  Take the one with the big tits."  Okay, that's just Richard being, well, Richard.  Then he asked if the dating contestants had good jobs "So they can, you know, contribute."  Richard likes to go dutch.  Then he asked if he could meet whichever one I didn't choose, not understanding what 'hypothetical' means.  And he wonders why I won't introduce him to my sister.

  The bottom line is that life is going to hand you a lot of choices that greatly impact other people's lives.  Don't be a dick (if you can help it) or you might find yourself hanging out with a bunch of Richards come rapture time.  Speaking of which...

Next time: 
So how is this Rapture thingy run?  Not like the Blondie song, right?  Is it like the NFL draft?  And if not being a dick is the main criteria, how will it go for those who are kind to dicks, like Paris Hilton?  Do sluts earn a special dispensation for all the individual joy they bring?  I'll tell you what I'd do... If I were God.


  1. You reminded me of the baptism scene in Vonnegut's God Bless You, Mr. Rosewater. This old drunk is baptizing a pair of twins. He says, "Hello little babies. Welcome to Earth. There's only one rule you need to know. Goddammit, you've got to be kind."

    I'm giving some thought to what I would do. This should keep my mind busy.

  2. The supreme being in my heart follows the "don't be a dick" rule. It's nice to see it explained so clearly. He also knows when you're being a dick to entertain people. So Fred is probably safe. :)

  3. I've always thought the Bible is just 66 books all saying the same thing: Don't be a dick. Only I wouldn't say "dick", I'd say "jerk" because I work at a church and we're only allowed one dick joke per week. I tend to use up my allotment by 8:05 every Monday morning.

  4. Although being a dick in life will surely limit your chances to get into heaven, it still beats living your life as a pussy. Ultimately, few would argue that by and large (no pun intended) dicks run the world and pussies are governed by them.