Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Tips for Life (from fetus to five)

Some Key Do’s and Don’ts

       (Even though you haven’t been born
       yet there’s still a few you could use)
DON’T kick and punch in there like you’re Jackie Chan.  That heavy bag you’re pummeling is your mom and you’re going to need her after this.  A lot.

DO enjoy the hell out of your non-demanding solitude.  You will never.  Ever.  Have it again.

DON’T be colicky if you can at all help it.  If you exhaust your parents too early in the game they won’t have much left in the tank later.  You’re going to need that goodwill during potty training.

DO take your time to get your bearings.  It’s a huge complicated world out there, and most of it doesn’t make sense.  Call it unintelligent design.

DON’T be in such a hurry to start walking.  It will lead to less personal service from your caregivers and more “You can get it yourself.”  That’s a slippery slope, my friend.

DO fling as much food around as you can safely get away with.  There’s only a short time window between learning the throwing motion and when it’s no longer cute, enjoy it.

DON’T keep sticking everything you can into your mouth.  Your improved mobility and climbing will put many non-food items in the house within reach.  Very easy to kill yourself off this way but you’d be missing the best stuff which comes later.  If you must, eat crayons.

DO watch Sesame Street whenever it’s on.  It’s fun, all the other kids do, and you’ll learn a few useful things about life and basic grammar.  You might hear some ugly rumors about Burt and Ernie later on.  Don’t believe any of it, they’re just puppets.  Not meat puppets, just puppets.

DON’T be too eager to show off your smarts so fast.  It could get you put into school early.  This will make your parents oh so proud, but some bigger kid will hit you and take your cookies.  Every day.

DO enjoy the hell out of cartoons.  You’re finally starting to get the cooler ones while you still have time to enjoy them for hours on end.  For now.  School’s right around the corner no matter how much you play dumb.  (No overdoing that either; they'll send you to a different school.  They'll make you wear a helmet.)

DON’T cry like a disgraced evangelist on your first day of school.  Yes, you’ll be the center of attention, but (lesson one) there’s good attention and there’s bad.  See?  Learning’s fun!

DO smile every time the teacher looks at you.  Win her heart.  She’ll claim she likes all her kids the same, but they all have their favorites.  And it’s a sweet, sweet life for the favorites.

Tips for Life ages 6-10 can be seen here.

As always, If I Were God appreciates comments, ad-clicks and sharing of His articles.  He sees all; disappoint Him not.


  1. Also, flinging your food around is a good way to encourage your parents to get a puppy or a cat. The more food you fling, the bigger the dog or cat will get.

  2. That's how it works in our house. She's 1 and flingin' it like a middle reliever. The dog is her all-star catcher.

  3. Your comment on Hyperbole and a Half was the funniest on that thread. Except for mine, of course.

  4. Dude, at the risk of repeating myself, this is absolutely, unquestionably, BRILLIANT. You need to send this to a parenting magazine, they would love it.

  5. Oh, and at the risk of sounding obnoxious, if you were God, you wouldn't have misspelled "believe" in your header.

    Just sayin'.

  6. Yes, I know. I just got off the phone with a friend who spotted that right away. It's been up for days, nobody said sh*t, and now two of you in the last 2 minutes. Proving - I'm not actually god. Which I've said before -the first word of this whole blog is 'IF'. Fixed now; thanks. Anyway thanks for your comments and continued support. And may I add; Your taste is blogs is also beyond question. Glad you're a fan.

  7. Oh, big time. I e-mailed the link to this post to all my friends who have toddlers. No doubt they'll love it.

  8. And Knucklehead sent it to his mom--some of this would have been helpful 46 years ago.

  9. I LOVED this line:

    “You can get it yourself.” That’s a slippery slope, my friend.