Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Who would Jesus smite?

Honestly, probably nobody.  Way too nice.  -Forgave his own crucifiers!  I on the other hand, would easily have scorched the last jackhole who cut me off on the highway, if only I had a lightning bolt ready.  But not being God (regretably) the only thing I could shoot off was my mouth, like anybody else.  But I really should be more creative with my would-be smitings.  This is what started this particular madness:

I was reading TheBloggess Friday, enjoying a Halloween themed discussion of people's favorite scary books.  Of course Stephen King’s name and iconic work was noted many times, and rightly so.  Seeing everything as I do through the prism of my new favorite toy, this blog, brought me naturally to what I would do if I were God.  I’ll reprint it again here, just so we’re all on the same page. 

…I’d let some of Stephen King’s creations exist in the real world. They’d come in handy in a smite-by-proxy program I’d be testing out. I wouldn’t use it on ordinary people (so don’t worry), only on the exceptionally vile.
For instance, the next time Ann Coulter hailed a cab -Christine would pull up. After she got in she’d notice a clown hat on the driver. That’s right; IT. That’ll teach her to attack the 9-11 widows by saying they enjoyed their husband’s deaths. (In case you didn’t know, Coulter really said that. Ugh)
Scott Peterson (who killed his pregnant wife but got convicted on his ex-girlfriend’s testimony) would probably like a new woman in his life. I’d send Carrie to his cell.
Who else? Michael Vick, dog torturer/killer. Is out of prison and enjoying new fame and wealth in the NFL. He probably needs a new pet. I’d send him Cujo.
Any diety can dispense justice, but how many would do it with a poetic flair?

I think there’s a lot to be said for addition through subtraction.  You see it in football all the time.  Take any team T.O.’s been on, subtract one T.O. and your team and locker room are instantly better.  Wouldn't it work for us too, to weed out the bad seeds?  How'd they get in to begin with?

It makes one wonder, is Halloween how evil sneaks into our world?   Do all those demons, devil, ghouls and goblins incarcerated down in hell try to keep their noses (snouts, hollow horns?) clean for a few months leading up to Halloween, then ask for a weekend pass to come up here for the holiday?  Then once they're here they don't go back; they run for office or start Jersey-based reality shows.  Frankly I'm not sure which does us more damage!  What if the hell/earth border policy is as easy to dodge as our Mexican border policy?  At least the Mexicans pick our fruit for cheap.  What are these hell-scapies up to?  They can't all be running for office or getting punched out in boardwalk bars.  (Can anyone seriously doubt that Snookie is a goblin or gremlin of some sort, thinly disguised only in bronzer and an Annette Funicello wig?  You could argue for dwarf, I suppose, but it would have to be a Gimili son of Gloin/Lord of the Rings type dwarf, not a Dr Ruth sex obsessed dwarf -or do I have that backwards?)
Anyway, wouldn't you like to do something about those 'lil evils that don't report back when their Halloween weekend pass is up?  Whenever we come across one, say at a white supremicist march, Nambla meeting, Tea Party rally... I think a good smiting is in order.  But smiting is a delicate business.  When excising the malignancy one must use the scapel, not the ax.  And not all transgressions are the same.
So let the punishment fit the crime.  If crimes come in various sizes, so must smitings;
Post nasal drip for small, Justin Beiber sized annoyances (don't pretend he's not annoying as shit)
Rectal Warts for medium problems like Sarah Palin and Kanye West (gross yes, but somehow fitting)
Lightning, the old standard, for true evil like Bin Laden, Fritzel, and Dick Cheney (I can almost hear the horses in Young Frankenstein freaking out in the background when the housekeeper's name is spoken)

You should all feel free to weigh in with your smite-worthy nominees and what they should get, or you can click on the poll to the left.

Somehow too many of the smite-worthy are slipping beneath the radar (God-ar, smite-ar?) or maybe He’s just too busy keeping all the glaciers from melting at once to take any action.  But boy o boy would those people get it (all together now)–if I were God.


  1. Thanks for checking out one of my "Well-reasoned Insights". Most people just want to read my work about dildos and butt plugs. You inspire me.

    I agree with you that God seems to have really backed off on the smiting in the last two millenia. Maybe having a kid mellowed Him out. I myself don't mind being smitten as long as it's by Penelope Cruz or something.

    Nice blog. I'm subscribing. Keep up the good work!

  2. I'd smite some drug lords, the killing, raping, child-enslaving kind.

  3. I often wonder how God can keep from smiting some people, like Fred Phelps. Having kids hold his nasty signs, protesting funerals, quoting God on shit God would never say. If I were Him, I'd get creative with that one.

  4. So many people to smite, so little time.

    All of the dog owners who allow their dogs to dump on that strip of grass between the curb and the sidewalk. Technically it does not belong to me, but I have to maintain it.

    Those people who walk away from their dog's waste need to be smited/smote(?). Big time.

    Umm, the chick on the elliptical a few feet away from me who passes gas every 8 to 12 minutes? She needs a good smiting.

    And can you put Oprah on notice. If she jacks up the medical shows on the Discovery Health Channel (which she has taken over and renamed OWN) can you smite her repeatedly.

    Thank you in advance.

  5. Cardiogirl is HARDcore!
    There are many levels of smiting; let the punishment fit the crime. These minor transgressions qualify as "Beiber class annoyances". No lightning for those, maybe a case of the runs.