Super Smitin' Saturday Smackdown!

It's time to kick off the New Year with a few changes.  The first is no more mister nice god.

There's just been too much leniency lately.  If I were God (just to remind you what blog you're reading) and I chanced a glance down upon the earth I so generously allowed you temporary use of as tenants (you only think you own it) I would not be pleased.  Although there's a lot of good to be seen, there's also too many obstacles you put in your own way and disturbing amount of misguided hero worship. 

This past year a lot of hypocrites got a lot of attention they didn't deserve.  Mind you, anybody can make a mistake or commit acts they aren't particularly proud of.  But to then turn around and make your name and your celebrity off of publicly fighting the very thing you yourself are privately guilty of is enough to drive any normally patient deity to dig up his box ‘o plagues for some leftover unused lightning bolts.

And the most smiteworthy hypocrite of the year?  Wikileaks founder Julian Assange.

Angling to be the patron saint of openness, Assange encourages people around the world with access to information they don’t own to pilfer (an effete word for steal, as in “Thou shalt not…”) it and send it to wikileaks where he will publish it to the world, ostensibly for all our benefit, and incidentally increasing his own fame and fortune.

One could claim the ends justify the means if the information exposed were critical to the public good, such as the Washington Post’s famous exposure of the Watergate break in.  That would serve justice.  However wikileaks released diplomatic cables with information such as the personal assessments US diplomats made of foreign leaders.  E.g. Berlusconi, the Italian prime minister, is weak and vain, Putin, the Russian prime minister is an alpha dog, Sarkozy, the French president is thin-skinned and vain etc.  This information does not serve a public need so much as a voyeuristic thirst for sensationalism. 

To bring it home, think for a moment of the important people in your life; spouses, children, siblings, parents, friends, co-workers, and employers.  Nobody is perfect, ergo everybody has flaws.  Being so close, you know what those people’s flaws are and probably have opinions on them; things you would never say to their face.  Can you imagine the shitstorm it would cause in your life if somebody put all those private opinions on Facebook for all to see?   Not only would your people be hurt knowing what your opinion was, they’d have the added humiliation of knowing that now everybody else now knows too.  Try cleaning that mess up.  And why?  Because J-Ass broke into your private info (journal/diary/emails) and uploaded it for the world to see.

One could take the position, as Assange does, that Truth Will Out.  That exposing the truth is an absolute imperative, regardless of whom is hurt.  As positions go, he could hardly have elevated himself more; His high-minded position sits high in the saddle on a high horse, which is standing on the high road.  You have to crane your neck and use binoculars just to see him.

The purity of principle he holds up is a rarity in today’s world.  Many hail him as a hero.  And he might qualify as such if his allegience to the unvarnished truth were only true itself.  But it is a façade.  J-Ass’s convictions on the sanctity of truth and transparency do not include himself.

He stands accused of rape in Sweden.  It's far too early at this writing to judge his guilt or innocence.  The relevance here is that some police papers pertaining to the case have been leaked and J-Ass and his lawyers are livid.  Far from celebrating their empostered 'Truth Will Out', Mr Wikileaks got wikipiqued when it became his turn.  His team is demanding a police investigation of the leak.  The irony is so frothy it’s damn near wikileaking off your screen right now.  (Go get a paper towel and wipe it off before it stains)  Apparently full unabridged disclosure is only for other people.  The titan of truth became the sultan of secrets in less time than it takes to say ‘Wikifraud!’.  -All after putting so many people and government officials through so many ordeals in his heretofore uncompromising crusade for transparency.  It makes him the worlds biggest hypocrite, and inaugural target of If I Were God…’s Super Smitin’ Saturday Smackdown!

The truth doesn't always set you free, Julian. 

Sometime it gets you five to ten.



As always, If I Were God appreciates comments, ad-clicks and sharing of His articles.  He sees all; disappoint Him not.

Thou Shalt Not Be Scum

There's a lot of awful things one should never do in this life.  At the top of that list, right after genocide, is pedophilia.  Phychologists might argue that it's a symptom of a mental disorder (but nothing half a million volts in a specially designed chair couldn't cure) and not the conscious choice of the perpetrator.

What clearly is a choice is writing and self-publishing a how-to book for pedophiles.  Now the subject of death threats, police investigation (and protection) is author Phillip Ray Greaves for his 'seminal' work  “The Pedophile’s Guide To Love And Pleasure”, available until like yesterday on Amazon.  I cannot imagine what would posses anybody with the brain power to author a book to use that skill to help pedophiles to not get caught.  Perhaps he just finished reading a how-to book himself, "How to write a book so vile the mere subject matter would make people want to kill you". (Also available on Amazon)

As you may know from earlier posts I am a big fan of a smiting God.  He hasn't done it in a while, at least not in the big splashy way He used to, but I'd like to lobby for a special come-back of it, like the McRib.  We just need to see one every once in a while.

Since there is currently no commandment like "Thou Shalt not molest children", and certainly no "Thou Shalt not aid and abet the molesting of children"  I'd like to propose a catch-all commandment for all such crimes and how-to manuals.  Thou Shalt Not Be Scum.

The good news is that this Phillip Ray Greaves is ruined for life now.  Even if the DA cannot find a way to charge him with something, the stink of this will follow him forever.  By which I mean this life and the next.  Nobody will want to know him, date him, sleep with him... even in hell he'll probably need his own private pit of boiling lava when none of the other inmates will bunk with him.  Misery loves company, but he'll burn alone.

...Beauty would be earned

This blog was created 3 weeks ago to be about upgrades for Creation, and it's time I got specific.

If I were God...
Beauty would be earned, not given out blindly at birth like some half-assed lottery.  All children would start out looking average.  The cooler you were to your fellow man, the better looking you'd get as you grew up.  The more of a dick you were, the more you'd look like my dog's ass.  (Can you imagine what Dick Cheney would look like now?  Eesh.)

[The above excerpt is from my forthcoming book "What if God is Cheating on Us?" coming soon to a website near you]

I think that's a perfect place to start the upgrading.  It not only rewards the good and punishes the bad, it's an external conscience, a needful thing as so many ignore their inner one.  You'd either wake up in the morning to find your pores are a little smaller and acne disappearing and you know "I must be doing alright".  OR you'd find that little spot on your nose has become a wart the size and general shape of Justin Beiber's head.  Then you'd know you've been a dick and it's time to change.  Once it starts singing, it's too late.

The other huge benefit is the good could spot the bad a mile away and know to keep away from them.  (For those without binoculars it might be only a hundred yards or so, but still...)  Cops chasing a masked bank robber who ducks into a store would just have to look everybody over once to know who to 'cuff  "You, with the teen sensation on your nose, put your hands up and turn around slowly!"

A good day in Creation 2.0 (Feel free to act as my review board, and let me know if you approve)

If you enjoyed this, please pass it on - the more the merrier!

Who would Jesus smite?

Honestly, probably nobody.  Way too nice.  -Forgave his own crucifiers!  I on the other hand, would easily have scorched the last jackhole who cut me off on the highway, if only I had a lightning bolt ready.  But not being God (regretably) the only thing I could shoot off was my mouth, like anybody else.  But I really should be more creative with my would-be smitings.  This is what started this particular madness:

I was reading TheBloggess Friday, enjoying a Halloween themed discussion of people's favorite scary books.  Of course Stephen King’s name and iconic work was noted many times, and rightly so.  Seeing everything as I do through the prism of my new favorite toy, this blog, brought me naturally to what I would do if I were God.  I’ll reprint it again here, just so we’re all on the same page. 

…I’d let some of Stephen King’s creations exist in the real world. They’d come in handy in a smite-by-proxy program I’d be testing out. I wouldn’t use it on ordinary people (so don’t worry), only on the exceptionally vile.

For instance, the next time Ann Coulter hailed a cab -Christine would pull up. After she got in she’d notice a clown hat on the driver. That’s right; IT. That’ll teach her to attack the 9-11 widows by saying they enjoyed their husband’s deaths. (In case you didn’t know, Coulter really said that. Ugh)
Scott Peterson (who killed his pregnant wife but got convicted on his ex-girlfriend’s testimony) would probably like a new woman in his life. I’d send Carrie to his cell.
Who else? Michael Vick, dog torturer/killer. Is out of prison and enjoying new fame and wealth in the NFL. He probably needs a new pet. I’d send him Cujo.
Any diety can dispense justice, but how many would do it with a poetic flair?

I think there’s a lot to be said for addition through subtraction.  You see it in football all the time.  Take any team T.O.’s been on, subtract one T.O. and your team and locker room are instantly better.  Wouldn't it work for us too, to weed out the bad seeds?  How'd they get in to begin with?

It makes one wonder, is Halloween how evil sneaks into our world?   Do all those demons, devil, ghouls and goblins incarcerated down in hell try to keep their noses (snouts, hollow horns?) clean for a few months leading up to Halloween, then ask for a weekend pass to come up here for the holiday?  Then once they're here they don't go back; they run for office or start Jersey-based reality shows.  Frankly I'm not sure which does us more damage!  What if the hell/earth border policy is as easy to dodge as our Mexican border policy?  At least the Mexicans pick our fruit for cheap.  What are these hell-scapies up to?  They can't all be running for office or getting punched out in boardwalk bars.  (Can anyone seriously doubt that Snookie is a goblin or gremlin of some sort, thinly disguised only in bronzer and an Annette Funicello wig?  You could argue for dwarf, I suppose, but it would have to be a Gimili son of Gloin/Lord of the Rings type dwarf, not a Dr Ruth sex obsessed dwarf -or do I have that backwards?)

Anyway, wouldn't you like to do something about those 'lil evils that don't report back when their Halloween weekend pass is up?  Whenever we come across one, say at a white supremicist march, Nambla meeting, Tea Party rally... I think a good smiting is in order.  But smiting is a delicate business.  When excising the malignancy one must use the scapel, not the ax.  And not all transgressions are the same.

So let the punishment fit the crime.  If crimes come in various sizes, so must smitings;

Post nasal drip for small, Justin Beiber sized annoyances (don't pretend he's not annoying as shit)

Rectal Warts for medium problems like Sarah Palin and Kanye West (gross yes, but somehow fitting)

Lightning, the old standard, for true evil like Bin Laden, Fritzel, and Dick Cheney (I can almost hear the horses in Young Frankenstein freaking out in the background when the housekeeper's name is spoken)

You should all feel free to weigh in with your smite-worthy nominees and what they should get, or you can click on the poll to the left.

Somehow too many of the smite-worthy are slipping beneath the radar (God-ar, smite-ar?) or maybe He’s just too busy keeping all the glaciers from melting at once to take any action.  But boy o boy would those people get it (all together now)–if I were God.