Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Would you make a good Angel –OF DEATH?

It's a very hard position to keep filled.  Turnover's a real problem.  For every drug lord or pedophile to slaughter (the fun part) there's three dozen kindly grandma's to, um, 'process' as well.  So recruitment efforts now extend to the still-living.  It’s a very demanding job requiring a unique combination of skills.  But if you’re really interested and think you can hack it (there is quite a lot of hacking involved, actually) you can take this suitability test before formally applying.  Consider each question and pick the answer that best describes you, circle (or jot down on a pad) the number for each answer then add them all up and check your score.

A.  How good are you with a blade?
1. Not very; I cut myself whilst shaving, buttering toast, opening mail…
2. Somewhat; I can cut the head off broccoli, a fish, an infidel... whatever you need.
3. Very; I've lots of time to practice with my (renaissance fair) sword since I don’t have a girlfriend.
4. Awesome; I was a professional ninja for Halliburton until my job got outsourced to India .

B.  Have you ever struck another person with intent to harm?
1. No, of course not!  I don’t like these questions.  Where’s the link to Icanhascheezeburger?
2. Nightly; shooting, stabbing, tire-ironing, running over hookers -GrandTheftAuto counts, right?
3. Only children.  I am a nanny.
4. Only minorities.  I am a policeman.

C.  How empathetic are you?
1.  Totally; I feel your pain like Bill Clinton feels intern boobies.  -With a blinding intensity.
2.  Mostly; almost as deeply as a thoughtful Latina , but less than a Supreme Court justice.
3.  Somewhat;  I tried to make a living as a dominatrix, but can only stand it part time now.
4.  Not at all; after 10 years at the IRS I did prisoner relations at Abu Ghraib until it closed.

D.  How resistant to begging or bribing are you?
1.  Mmmm… depends on how many inputs are being offered.  3 is best.
2.  Somewhat; but you’d better have a really good story and look good on your knees.
3.  Not very; you’d have to be on the verge of curing cancer before I’d let you off the hook.
4.  I want to kill you just for asking.  Where’s my sword?

E.  How good are you at working alone?
1. Not at all.  I was hoping it would be a death-squad/wiki-group type gig.
2. Somewhat; sometimes I won’t share my tractor in Farmville unless I'm really shit-faced.
3. Very; I am a liberal intellectual and gay sculptor in central Alabama . Thank God for Facebook.
4. Completely; I play World of Warcraft all night, when not masturbating.  Sometimes when.

             Check Your Score

<11     So little backbone it’s a wonder you can
           stand.  Go get your Snuggie and carton
           of  Mallomars and go watch Glee.  You
           know you want to.
11-15  You have the heart but not the ability
            -yet. If you really want a shot at this
            position later on, go get a job in cor-
            rections (Texas or North Korea only)
            and work your way up to noose-
16-20   Not quite 'Angel of Death' material,
            but there’s always the less demanding
            position of 'Angel of Wishing for Death'.
            Somebody’s got to bring the hemorr-
            hoids and menstrual cramps.
21+     Ooh.  The dark side is strong in this
           one…  Whenever you're ready,
            Mr Cheney.

As always, If I Were God appreciates comments, ad-clicks and sharing of His articles.  He sees all; disappoint Him not.


  1. I got 18 because I answered 2 on B. I don't discriminate. I'd like my application reconsidered.

  2. Fred my man, this job is not for everyone. Maybe try for 'Animal Angel of Death'? I know it sounds bad, but hear me out: You'd get to see some really cool shit in the Amazon, on the African savannah, killer whales earning their names...

  3. Dude, this was absolutely hilarious, especially the last two answer choices for question B.

    Really, really good stuff.

  4. Chris, thanks man! Those two were favorites; I liked them as a one-two punch. My friend who's a cop might not agree...

  5. This was definitely a good laugh! Funny stuff, for sure.

  6. Wait, there are only 5 questions (A,B,C,D,E) here. The maximum would be 20. you can't get a 21. do you get bonus points for being a crime fighting nanny or something?

  7. You get a bonus for recognizing the natural limit and wanting to violate it. Well done. As I said- whenever you're ready, Mr Chen- sorry, Mr ANONYMOUS .

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