Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Live each day like it COULD be your last

This may sound similar to, but is very different from the annoyingly often quoted "Live every day as IF it's your last".

The second, though wildly popular, is ridiculously dangerous.  There are a great many things one would do if one could know with godlike certainty that it was one's last day.  Barreling through your bucket list, especially on the last day, could bring huge amounts of satisfaction and personal triumph.  With years of pent-up frustration and unfulfilled yearnings suddenly unchained from their rational inhibitions, you would unlease yourself upon the earth like a methed-out viking Ferris Bueller at a virgins-only nunnery.

You might be only too willing to do things like

Emptying your bank account and
-hiring a private jet to Vegas.
-hiring Lindsey Lohan to be the stewardess
-putting it all on 7 Red for one spin

Going to to Texas to throw
-your shoes
at George Bush

Admitting to your spouse
-you have been faking it since '92
-it was you who got the babysitter pregnant
-you were more than just gay 'curious' in college

Approaching your boss
-with a profanity laced resignation letter
-a chainsaw
-a graphic video of you and their spouse

Admitting to your neighbor's wife
-her Fluffy didn't really run away
-you love her.  You've always loved her.  And only her.  And must have her now.
-it wasn't silk-addicted crows who took her thongs from the clothes line

What a rush of last-day satisfaction!  Once the adreneline fades, you can smile in final victory, lay back on the rumpled bed in the Rasputin room of your local russian mob controlled brothel and cozy into death's sweet embrace as it takes you like a deep sleep.  Perfect.  End.

Unless you wake up in the morning.  And realize it wasn't really your last day!  Now what?!

You already ran out of money at the Eurasian brothel down the block hours ago, and Irina is threatening to call Boris and Vlad in if you don't come up with the $1200 for 'the Czar and the 3 milkmaids' game you insisted on playing twice last night.

Even if you can make it out the window, outrun the rots and duck the AK-47 fire, you still have
-a price on your head (in rubbles)
-not a dime left to your name
-no job or references
-a furious soon-to-be-ex-spouse
-a murderous neighbor
-a litigious neighbor's wife
-an angry local PETA chapter
-warrents for your arrest (local and TX)
& worst/inescapable of all
-Lohan cooties (incurable as of this writing)

I think you'll agree, while it's great to live life to its fullest, it's not worth living like it's your last day unless you're really, really, really, really sure it is.

As always, If I Were God appreciates comments, ad-clicks and sharing of His articles.  He sees all; disappoint Him not.

This is a reprint of a post first run January 26, 2011.  I reran it today because not only is it a perfect fit for today's 30 days challenge, but it's sunny and I have the day off along with my wife.  So I'm not wasting any time with anything other than sun, sangria, and se- none of yer damn business.


  1. Interesting that you are pointing this out god! My husband and I were out driving across town last weekend when we saw a bus that said something like "Judgment Day is May 16th (or something in May anyway but I'm not good with details). Are you ready?" That kind of made me pause. If true, then why are we going to write a check to the tax man on April 16th? We could just use that money for a really great weekend, right? Also, why not buy that brand new Z4 Coupe we like? A payment won't even be due by May 16th or whatever it was. Another sign on a bus said "It says in the Bible, May 16th (or some day in May anyway) is the end of the world.

    So, now that I've read this, I'm not sure what to do. But my husband says we have to pay our taxes either way. Bummer.

  2. Good advice! I'd already dialed the first six digits of Lindsay Lohan's phone number.

    Glad I didn't go through with THAT!

  3. WOW! Glad I read the last part of this! I'm speaking at a conference in Texas soon. After reading this, I am gonna unpack the eggs from my suitcase.

  4. You shouldn't put all your eggs in one basket, or suitcase, or basketcase. If you get them locally you can't later be accused of using foreign eggs and be prosecuted under the Patriot Act.

  5. This post sort of made me wonder what all the gullible 2012 believers are going to when the ball drops next year. I suppose they'll get wasted as usual and wake up the next day not knowing what year it is...

  6. I just make sure that I get used to shame. An old monk in Kentucky told me once that when we die we are going to be given a book of our lives. We are going to be asked to open the book and read it aloud. That's when my friend will find out for sure about his wife and me. But he'll also know that we always loved him, too. Yeah. Shame ain't so bad. Guilty as charged. Right here, Buddy.