No Flea bargains either
It's as if we think He's some sort of desperate vender at the miracles table in our local flea market, to judge by the way He's approached by some when they're in a jam and what paltry pickin's they offer in exhange for help. Somewhere there's a guy trapped in a burning car after an accident he caused himself by drunk driving. "LORD!! <hic!> I'LL NEVER DRINK AND DRIVE AGAIN IF YOU <gurgle> GET ME OUT OF THIS! <hic!> LORD!!!"
A) He won't drink & drive again if the Lord doesn't get him out either
B) He wants a miracle in exchange for following a simple rule he should have been anyway?
C) Never ever shout at the Lord in ALL CAPS. Are you crazy?
Can you imagine trying this tactic in a court down here?
"Judge, if you let me off for robbing that bank and shooting that teller, that cop, and running over that one-legged orphan during the getaway I promise to stop robbing banks AND, are you listening judge; won't kill cops, tellers or gimpy orphans ever again either!"
The judge won't just throw the book at him; he'd beat him with it a while first.
Even in non-life-threatening situations miracles get requested in exchange for the lamest of offers.
"Lord, if you can see your way to letting me get that big promotion and corner office, I'll quit smoking."
If I Were God:
How 'bout you quit smoking anyway and I won't kill you one gooey chunk of lung coughed up at a time, before you're 40? I didn't give you a temple so you could light chemical fires in it, dummy.
Oh, BTW, if you weren't so busy taking smoke breaks and looking at porn all day your statistics would've been good enough to get you that promotion last year.
"Lord, please help me find my spanks in time to get to haul them on and get to Leo's party, his cute cousin will be there. I'll pick some flowers and bring them to church on Sunday!"
A) you're a bit beyond Spanks, hon. You'd need a bigger miracle.
B) Leo's 'cousin' isn't really his cousin, unless you count 'kissing cousins'
C) You do realize I invented flowers, know where each one is, and prefer them alive? How would you like it if I chopped off your toes, put them in a vase, and gave them to you as a gift?
D) And 'not for nothing', but I know which flowers you're planning on amputating from mother earth, they're not even from your yard, which makes it stealing, for which there's a commandment against, which you'd know if you ever made it to church outside of Christmas or Easter.
E) Finally, you're out of requests anyway, you used your last one yesterday for your Taco Bell squirts emergency when you were caught in traffic on the way home, remember?
Think before you dial the holy hotline, people. "Do I absolutely need to?" If you ever do you'll have your best chance if you're able to start with "Lord, I've never asked you for anything before..."