Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Plea bargains? With God? Really?

No Flea bargains either

It's as if we think He's some sort of desperate vender at the miracles table in our local flea market, to judge by the way He's approached by some when they're in a jam and what paltry pickin's they offer in exhange for help.   Somewhere there's a guy trapped in a burning car after an accident he caused himself by drunk driving.  "LORD!!  <hic!> I'LL NEVER DRINK AND DRIVE AGAIN IF YOU <gurgle> GET ME OUT OF THIS!  <hic!> LORD!!!"

A) He won't drink & drive again if the Lord doesn't get him out either
B) He wants a miracle in exchange for following a simple rule he should have been anyway?
C) Never ever shout at the Lord in ALL CAPS.  Are you crazy?

Can you imagine trying this tactic in a court down here?
"Judge, if you let me off for robbing that bank and shooting that teller, that cop, and running over that one-legged orphan during the getaway I promise to stop robbing banks AND, are you listening judge; won't kill cops, tellers or gimpy orphans ever again either!"
The judge won't just throw the book at him; he'd beat him with it a while first.

Even in non-life-threatening situations miracles get requested in exchange for the lamest of offers.
"Lord, if you can see your way to letting me get that big promotion and corner office, I'll quit smoking."
If I Were God:
How 'bout you quit smoking anyway and I won't kill you one gooey chunk of lung coughed up at a time, before you're 40?  I didn't give you a temple so you could light chemical fires in it, dummy.
Oh, BTW, if you weren't so busy taking smoke breaks and looking at porn all day your statistics would've been good enough to get you that promotion last year.

"Lord, please help me find my spanks in time to get to haul them on and get to Leo's party, his cute cousin will be there.  I'll pick some flowers and bring them to church on Sunday!"
A) you're a bit beyond Spanks, hon.  You'd need a bigger miracle.
B) Leo's 'cousin' isn't really his cousin, unless you count 'kissing cousins'
C) You do realize I invented flowers, know where each one is, and prefer them alive?  How would you like it if I chopped off your toes, put them in a vase, and gave them to you as a gift?
D) And 'not for nothing', but I know which flowers you're planning on amputating from mother earth, they're not even from your yard, which makes it stealing, for which there's a commandment against, which you'd know if you ever made it to church outside of Christmas or Easter.
E) Finally, you're out of requests anyway, you used your last one yesterday for your Taco Bell squirts emergency when you were caught in traffic on the way home, remember?

Think before you dial the holy hotline, people.  "Do I absolutely need to?"  If you ever do you'll have your best chance if you're able to start with "Lord, I've never asked you for anything before..."

As always, If I Were God appreciates comments, ad-clicks and sharing of His articles.  He sees all; disappoint Him not.


  1. It's the ultimate 'Careful what you wish for' -you might really need that wish back later!

  2. Okay, you knew I was kidding when I promised to become a nun if you'd let the Giants win the World Series! How could you take that seriously? Okay, I bargained, but it's the same way I promise my husband a bj if he will just rearrange the living room furniture again for the 3rd time this week. He knows I'm kidding too! Ha!

  3. Thasa no nice! THOSE kind of promises should always be kept! That's just good karma.

  4. *clears throat*

    Um, hey there. You're probably well aware that I tend to rely on St. Anthony with this sort of thing since there's a built-in loophole.

    He usually helps me find stuff and I *always* give the amount of money I wagered when he comes through.

    And when he doesn't I don't have to open my wallet. That's a spiritual win-win, if you ask me.

    Now in terms of the bargaining I've downgraded to "Lord, help me," when my kids are on my last nerve. I can't say I feel as if I've entered a Calgon bath any time I utter those words, but it gives me something to say instead of cursing.

  5. Best post yet, my friend. Tessa and I both knew from your first post that you have what it takes. Keep on truckin'. Blogoff starts Sunday! Fug-yeah!

  6. Hey god...what do you have against porn-watching chain smokers, anyway? Let's make a deal...I'll cut down to a pack a week if you promise to start matching my 401K again, like the good ol' days? Oh...and if you promise to keep my hairline from receding, I'll forgo the porn VictoriasSecret.com, too...

  7. Excellent post! I like the way you write!

  8. Smokin' Samson,
    A) It wasn't I who matched your 401(k), it was your employers at Chuck E Cheese
    B) That "gooey chunk of lung coughed up" part isn't just for laughs; the black spot that'll turn up on your May 2014 lung X-ray can only be avoided if you quit now rather than pray/beg later
    C) I happen to know that the only hairline on your head is your unibrow, so you might as well continue to one-hand that catalogue in the guest bathroom when you think your wife's asleep
    D) Thanks for writing!

  9. Good post, it is ridiculous some of the "requests" that I have heard people request of God.


  10. "Squirts emergency". I've heard that those requests are almost always granted immediately.

    Except when God in is an whimsical mood.

  11. Any deity that can make the platypus, Prince, pumpkin pancakes and pinkey toes (and that's just the 'P' file) has got a whimsy streak a galaxy wide.