Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Wanna-Be Wednesday

Yes, would-be gods and goddesses, Wanna-Be Wednesday is back; your chance to pontificate like a deity on what you would do if you were indeed a deity.

Fred of TheFredEffect put forth "If I were God I would I would repair the gene that makes abnormal or non-functioning dystrophin levels in people like Tessa. Everybody with muscular dystrophy I know are some hard-working sons-a-bitches. They could pull us out of the recession."
-a fine but highly specific change understandably inspired by his own personal angel on earth, Tessa LeFae.  It also happens to be similar in tone and intention to a more inclusive "If" I wrote some time ago for my forthcoming book:

I see the same good intention in Fred's (minus the menacing threats of mangling); let everyone have the same fair chance at a normal existence.  There are plenty enough ways on the journey life to get creamed (tsunamis, mudslides, mine collapses, batshit crazy Arizonans with guns...) without damaging a person before they even get out the damn door.

Everyone should get to start factory fresh out of the box (take that any way you want) in full working order. Of course if they later choose to Lohan themselves with alcohol, Earnhart themselves racing cars or Cobain themselves with firearms then that's on them.  I'm not here to babysit.  Got a galaxy to run.


There's a healthy number of followers and visitors to this blog, and most of you have shown the wit and gumption to maintain your own blogs so I know there's a wealth of creativity at your command.

If I Were God has a task for you;  Build me an arc, 300 cubits long...
For those unskilled in carpentry or without rulers market in cubits, you can send in your own "If..." or a new "Reasons to believe / Reasons to doubt".  Your genius will be recognized, enshrined here, and linked to your own site.  (The dumb ones will be appropriately mocked, albeit privately)

Remember, they must be funny.  "If I Were God... I'd smite Sarah Palin" is not funny, despite being clearly necessary.  Much better would be "...I'd make low IQ'd politicians obvious to all by making them end every sentence with either 'duhhh', 'ummm', 'gurgle', or 'you betcha'.

So go write your little hearts out.  I'll be up here, enthroned and ready to judge. (We all have our bits to do)

As always, If I Were God appreciates comments, ad-clicks and sharing of His articles.  He sees all; disappoint Him not.


  1. Yeah, often wondered why god chose to 'experiment' with the technology he'd already perfected. I mean, is he god or Frankenstein? YOU decide!

  2. I did as you asked...hope I make the cut!


  3. If I were god, I would smoke, drink, swear and never get old like Melissa Etherigdge said in her song. But I'm not, so I won't. (Did I fool you, god? Yeah, you know I smoke, drink and swear, and damn! You aren't keeping me 25 either.)

  4. You're a much more thorough God than I would ever be. Tessa always puts me in my place. One of the first things we ever did together was listen to Sinead O'Connor's "I Do Not Want What I Haven't Got". Tessa said that defines her perspective. Still shakes me up when I think about that.