Wednesday, March 23, 2011

The fattest states in America

Honestly, all 50 are kinda fat, but the fat five, in order of disgracefulness are; Tennessee, Louisiana, Mississippi, Kentucky, & Alabama.  Stats/post inspiration here.

It didn't used to be this way.  Chasing runaway slaves and running Indians off their land was vigorous and therefore calorie-burning work (if you did it right, and did it yourself)  But since both those past times have gone the way of American ingenuity (that is, to India) the southern states have become sedentary.

To be fair, states with larger cities have more people in cities.  This presents many temptations to walk places, since there is so much within walking distance.  A couch potato in either place may both want a McRib with extra large fries and a Shamrock shake.  But city slob may have to walk 3 blocks to get it, and 3 blocks back.  Then another round trip back to fix it when he realizes the somnolent stoner who filled his order gave him a regular shake in a shamrock cup, and only medium fries, making a total of 12 blocks worth of unintentional exercise for the city slob.

The country slob on the other hand need only walk the length of his rotted porch, past the ubiquitous decomposing critter in the unmown high grass to his bestickered pick-up for the five mile drive to procure his McRib from his drive-thru working cousin/girlfriend/baby momma Rhonda-Mae, who learned several black eyes ago to make sure that order's right.  With no return trip necessary country slob has only 18 yards to the pick-up and 18 yards back -enough to burn off two extra long fries (or one if slathered in Mayo).


So why rant here?  Because this is If I Were God..., and it's the return of WannaBe Wednesday.  And you're gonna solve it.  So what's your McAnswer?

If I Were God, I'd...

A) allow only Flintstone-like cars, forcing exercise.
B) change their genes so they wouldn't get fat.
C) change their jeans so they wouldn't seem fat.
D) flood the fucker and start over with aspiring models
E) have my own unique solution which is _________.

As always, If I Were God appreciates comments, ad-clicks and sharing of His articles. 
He sees all; disappoint Him not.


  1. What I hate is seeing the kids get fat. In northern California, you see less obesity. I think the population is pretty slim really. That could be because this climate is so easy to walk in. Also, people tend to eat better. Still, with kids sitting in front of computer screens playing video games and not outside 'playing' and working off calories while developing social skills, it's a bad situation. Fast food is the bane of society. They should all be outlawed. That is, if I were god, but we both know I'm not.

  2. If I were God French Fries wouldn't have calories. Or fat. Neither would milk shakes,chocolate,Triple Chocolate Chunk cookies, ice cream, cheese, bread, pasta, cake, and ice cream. I know. I said ice cream twice.

    What was the question again?

  3. If I were God, I would make all the children go outside to play. Instead of Carpel Tunnel by the age of 12, they would have natural exercise of playing hide n seek, an imagination large enough to write short stories, Love of sunshine and not a TV or computer screen.

    I would create an overwhelming sense to STOP eating junk food, change taste buds after the correct amount of calorie intake so that food lost complete flavor and maybe it would even taste bad, and I would take away Buffets that allowed people who LOVE them to recognize they don't need a table to dine, they should just pull a chair up to the buffet and bring a shovel because most of the time, it really is disgusting to watch.

    And, I am sure I would be less judgmental. This is something I still am trying to overcome after all these years of not being God.

  4. put a curse on satalite tv and cable showing only exercise and sports shows....
    force folks to grow their own would taste better and you'd have to eat alot of it to get all the fat calories....
    make parents put down their cell phones and model good living for their kids.

    change everyone's passwords to something else so computer play would be over...

    Since I'm not God...all I can do is change my own little nest and hope for the best...
    Love your blog.
    "radical ramblings and thoughts of a southern girl"...yes I am from Ky but I do wear shoes.

  5. Plee,
    "put a curse on"? I'm not the witch from Snow White! Nor am I actually God -see disclaimer to the right -->

    but IF I WERE... I might add a minimum IQ requirement for radio & television transmissions, or release a daily solar flair from the sun cutting off all transmissions for a few hours so people have rediscover family time, outside play time etc.

    The grow their own food isn't practical, but as is so often the case when brainstorming, you've openned the door to another possibility: Making only natural foods digestible.

    Thanks for dropping by. I will put a note in your file and at final judgement you can count on one additional 'merit' point.

  6. Additional thanks go out to Linda, Nicki and Sharon. These three little angels all had helpful contributions.

    There was some justified anti-screen (TV, video game) sentiment. How 'bout this: more than two hours of screen watching a day would produce temporary blindness.

    Special note to Nicky; It's not love, it's just ice cream. (couldn't resist) Ok then, how 'bout only the first two scoops are calorie free?

  7. If I were God all the crap that tastes good would actually be good for you. I mean, really -- what the hell's with that anyway?

    The brilliance of any creation is in the details.

  8. I don't think I'd wipe out all fat people...concentration camps make a whole lot more sense, though. You say you want lower taxes AND invest in the nation's infrastructure and growing deficits? Make fatty do it for free...guaranteed weight loss program and the Nation's best solution for competing with the Chinese! Sounds like a win-win to me.

  9. ... to procure his McRib from his drive-thru working cousin/girlfriend/baby momma Rhonda-Mae, who learned several black eyes ago to make sure that order's right.


  10. Jersey Evil Genius,
    for your benefit I must tell all the other readers; He is not the long-lost grandson of Josef Goebbles. He's my brother in law being tongue-in-cheek. (who's cheek is not my business) And a very tolerant fellow.

    it's always nice to hear that my run-on sentences of gratuitous stereotyping do not go unappreciated.

    I saved the best for last. Yours is a very strong contender for WannaBe Wednesday. I'll pick or perhaps post a poll this Punday. Panks!

  11. My drive-thru attendant is named Jimmy-Sue. She shaves her eyebrows. No shit.