Tuesday, March 15, 2011


Guam is only penis-shaped if you come at it from the tip.

Okay, I'm actually a week behind on this; This Guamarinian holiday fell on March 7 this year.  As the president of Guam I should have been more on top of this.  But if by comparison you consider how long after their initial creation it took hominids to walk upright/discover fire/wear pants, then you'll see I'm only behind on this holiday thing by a whisker.  It was a busy week for earthquakes and floods too, you know, so don't hassle Me.

In any event... Discovery Day marks the anniversary of Magellan finding Guam.  Though it is generally accepted that Guam was actually discovered and colonized by the seafaring Austronesian people from Southeast Asia circa 4000 BC, this does not count as they were not Caucasian nor did they keep a receipt.  (If "Who discovered Guam" comes up in Jeopardy and there's money on the line just say "Magellan", Alex Trebek will not accept "Austronesian", nor should he.)

So, <ahem> Magellan discovered Guam, sailing into Umatac* Bay in 1521 and thereby heralding in a centuries-long glorious era of exploitation, subjugation, colonization, and land theft-ization. -punctuated by plague, cholera, yellow fever, small pox, medium pox and even occasionally extra-large pox.  This naturally gave rise to a holiday celebrated with cotton candy and fireworks.

*In the native tongue Umatac was a popular invective which roughly translates into "Fuck, there goes the neighborhood!"

So congratulations Guam on the 480th anniversary of having your idyllic South Pacific garden of Eden overrun and ravaged by marauding western plague carrying murderers!  Ahhh... progress.

Miss Guam 2010 placed 5th in the annual "Please marry me
and take me to America" pageant.  Her position behind the others
later allowed her to shove them into the water and win the crown.

As always, If I Were God appreciates comments, ad-clicks and sharing of His articles. 
He sees all; disappoint Him not.


  1. You can imagine how excited my Navajo husband Alex gets when there is a big "Columbus Day" celebration in San Francisco. How do you discover a place if a population has lived there for ages?

  2. I'm with Linda on this. Wouldn't it be a crime if someone from a foreign country drove across state lines just to see my home first and swear He/she discovered it, only to kick me out and send me on a trail of tears to some small piece of land to inhabit. . . if I made it there, of course.

  3. Thank you Sharon. Of course the Navajo Rez is very big, the nation has been severely decimated and it's a sad (but still beautiful) place. Well, with the new Casinos, that will change. More people will die from DUI's. What a nightmare for a nation.

  4. Miss Bahamas is hot.

    Just saying. And thanks.