Thursday, March 17, 2011

This is why I dumped Mother Nature in the first place

Yeah, we went out.  She was just 'Maiden' Nature back then and quite fetching especially in her Spring outfit.  And half the time she was so warm it was all I could do to just sit there and bask in her glow.  Those were the  good times, and there were a lot of them. 

But she always had an indifferent streak, mood swings (she could go from very hot to ice cold in like six months, and then switch back like it was nothing) and a foul temper that could rise in an instant.  I thought she was bad as a teen, especially when she had that outbreak of volcanoes.  I tried to tell her "everybody gets pimples at this age, just leave them.  You can rinse with rain."  But no, she had to pop them.  Goodbye, Pompeii.

I tried to have an intellectual discussion with her on restraint and the amorality of random smiting, but she'd just laugh and flash her eyes "Do tell, floodboy!"  [There was a reason for that, which I've detailed earlier.  But that's another story.]  Her indifference eventually turned me off. 

It was a problem.  She never blamed anything on herself and it was more annoying than I was willing to tolerate.  I had to sit her down "It's not me, baby, it's you."  She cried thunderstorms (gotta expect it, right?) and that was it for us.  She had calmed down since then and been mostly pleasant (for her) until recently.

Judging by the hot flashes she's having (regular enough to warm the globe) and the ever more frequent bouts of temper, I'd say my erstwhile girlfriend is entering a rough menopause.  Be warned people; it will be a while.

I wish you all the best.  As for Myself, I think I'll chill on Venus for a while; very sultry orbit, no plate tectonics (this is true) and frankly she's been sending a lot of very clear signals My way lately.

As always, If I Were God appreciates comments, ad-clicks and sharing of His articles.  He sees all; disappoint Him not.


  1. I know there are risks associated with hormone replacement therapy, but this chick needs some estrogen stat! She scares me more than you do.

  2. Well to be fair, she has had some unwanted plastic surgery done to her, especially in the last fifty or sixty years.

    I don't think she appreciated having her innards explored without her consent.

    Just saying.


  3. Menopause will hopefully lead to decreases in her lava flow...maybe that'll tone down her mood swings.

  4. See, I wasn't going to do a 'flow' joke -and now I don't have to. Thankyou, Laughing.

  5. I have rarely met a boundary that I can't cross...

  6. This is brilliant.

    Also, it recently dawned on me --because I'm slow -- that everyone calls you god. But you're not god, you're IF I were god. That's different.

  7. Mike,
    thank you sir. Coming from a topshelf prosemeister such as yourself it means a lot.

    As for the "If I Were..." it's only the name of the thing, for My sake, so you'd think people would know, but I've played with it so much myself especially in posts like this one, that the line may be blurred beyond repair.

    My very first post (a Godifesto, if you will) called "In the beginning" makes clear what voice I'm using, but all the posts and comments since then outweigh it I guess. Still, if you liked this piece you'll really like 'beginnin'. The link's just above the God-party drawing (upper right)

  8. Maybe bi-polar?

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  9. Be careful Caroline! bi-polar is an insult to the multi-polar, especially one hoping for a comment connected with His post! Make one now before it's too late.

    God almighty! This blog is a find for me. Terrific header, and i am a photographer- i know about these things.

    Look - in my day job i am looking for an assistant. Honest. The wannabes that wrote that mess they call the bible had no chance. i don't have to read all your posts to know you're good. Well, do i!!

    I would start you off with an easy job. Give Obama some integrity, and if you have time, give Sarah Palin some brains.

    I have been too busy to post anything this year, but this is going to change. I willing.

  10. It's actually disturbing how much I enjoy coming here.


    I doubt it's menopause.

    If I've told her once, I've told her a thousand times, "That man is the DEVIL. He will only hurt you and your rage will only hurt others."

    She just won't listen.

    You're better off.

    - B x

  11. Corfubob,
    Nobody ever comments on the header, but nice to hear somebody appreciates it. ~also~
    Sarah DID get brains originally, but the scarecrow wanted them back, and he had 'dibs'.

    everyone is entitled to a guilty pleasure.
    Are you not mine as well? Call it a barrenecessity and just enjoy it.

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