Monday, March 28, 2011

The World Map of Penis Sizes

-not that it matters, right?  Right -that's why you're reading.

Not to reinforce stereotypes or anything, but the biggest greens ARE in Africa,
and the smallest reds ARE in Asia.  Just sayin'.

How often did size matter enough to change the course of human events?  I'll offer a few examples and let you be the judge.   If nothing else it gives a new angle to view certain episodes in history. 

Italy   : 6.2"
Is this what gave the relatively short Italians the confidence to conquor everybody in every direction and build the Roman Empire?

France:    6.3"
Germany: 5.7"
Did Germany invade France in WWI and WWII over economic and political arguments, or did Germany feel it had something to prove in the, uh, weinerschnitzel catagory?

China:  4.3"
Japan: 4.3"
Two world leaders in both the production and use of microprocessors, subcompact cars, and oragami.  What do you suppose inspires them in the pursuit of making small things valuable?

Israel:     5.6"
Lebanon: 6.6"
I had hope for this region until just now.  There will never, ever, be peace in the mid east.

Ireland:   5"
England: 5.5"
Half an inch apart and it took them this long to patch together a shaky peace.

Cuba:      6.2"
Jamaica: 6.4"
Could it explain why they make their cigars long, and their dreadlocks longer -it pleases their sense of proportune?

What does this mean to you in your life?

Glad you asked.  Beyond the global historical implications this information gives the individual a chance to change his or her circumstances. 
For instance, say you're a good old fashioned American slut.  The local, uh, spigots are less and less able to fill your, uh, cup to the brim.  You could simply relocate from North to South America and settle in Columbia or Venezuela.  -And your cup shall overflow.  Although if your last name is Kardashian you might need to go as far as the Congo, or NBA to, ah, get your fill.

Alternatively, let's say you're a below-average man for your area and you're sick of being judged, or sick of thinking you're being judged, or simply want to know what it's like to be the big man on campus for once... just move to India, Cambodia or Thailand (all coming in at 4") and you could wind up as village chief.  In some such places the crown is often awarded to he with the most impressive, uh, scepter.

So why is this If I Were God material?

Because what this really is of course is another missed opportunity.  If I were God sizes would not be handed out randomly or even geographically.  Size would be earned (like beauty) in that the nicer you were to women, the more you'd be able to be nicer to women.  Conversely, the more a a dick you were, the less of a dick you'd have.

Go on, don't be afraid to say it.  I'm a genius.

As always, If I Were God appreciates comments, ad-clicks and sharing of His articles. 
He sees all; disappoint Him not.


  1. This is riveting information. All I can say is that I've found exceptions to all of these 'averages". But I just wonder if it's a worldwide pastime to whip out a tape measure to measure one's attributes? Seems an odd pastime to me. Signed, Ms. 38C.

  2. It's part of a UN aid qualification process; you must prove you're underprivleged.

  3. I like what you'd do if you were God....but I think She'd only give those soft hearted, sensitive, romantic types they very best offering.....

    love your make me laugh

  4. "Size would be earned (like beauty) in that the nicer you were to women, they more you'd be able to be nicer to women. Conversely, the more a a dick you were, the less of a dick you'd have."

    Yep. You're a genius.

  5. Wait, where's the country with the average of 10" and up? I feel left out on this map.

  6. Plee,
    it's my pleasure

    I know, but it's still nice to hear. ;op

    Sorry, never-never land isn't on any map.

    Nobody wake Mike up, he's sleep-commenting. HA!

  7. It has often been my experience (um...) that the biggest dicks actually DO have the smallest bits of man meat.

    Furthermore, unlike fat women, they do NOT usually try harder - relying instead on the misguided tendency of most women to submit to the "bad boy" no matter his uh...shortcomings.

    Precisely why, in my 'relations', the bad boy in the room is almost always me.

    And they damn well better try hard... or they'll never try again.

    Good plan, the nice-nice ratio but, sadly, you're not "God".

    Need I state the obvious summary sentence? ;-)

    - B x

  8. You are a genius. Really, really.

  9. My Google Reader says I've missed seven of your posts. How the hell did that happen? I am so sorry, Your Excellency. But your are infinitely forgiving, so we're cool.

    I'm going to catch up, right now.

  10. First of all, there is no one on Earth I respect more on this topic than the Barreness. To her, size matters, but it's not everything.

    Second of all, your wishes are answered, God. Can I call you God? Even the shyest, sweetest women are size queens sometimes. And I'm the perfect guy in every way, but one, you know? Anyway, I found out that those one or two-inch extenders can give you that ruling sceptre that you need only once in a while. Seriously. It shows that you care.

    I could go on about this. I've this a LOT of thought. Hope you bring this up again.

  11. Barreness my Barreness,
    more delectable morsels of wisdom and experience I could hardly ask for.

    *gracious bow*

    little is more pleasing to me than when the lost lambs finally wander home. Graze the posts at your liesure, have your fill and rejoice.
    What exactly are you hoping I'll 'bring up again' for you? The only prescriptions I fill are for disingenous humor. For Viagara you need a drug store.

  12. Canada? Really? Light green? I would think all that cold air would cause shrinkage.