Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Should God ask Australia to the prom?

If I were God, I’d take Australia to the prom.  Yes, I know you didn't know there was a prom like that.  No, you can't go.  You're not a continent or a deity.  No, you can't fake your way in, they card at the door.  I can hear the murmurs already; why Australia?

Yes there are more obvious continents to choose;

There’s Europe, sophisticated with an aloofness that makes you want her more, 

There’s North America, brash and adorably reckless, the envy of many

And South America, the overly willing little sister with something to prove,

There’s Asia, smart n’ savvy, but somehow demure and exotic at the same time,

[There’s always Africa, also exotic, but way too troubled to make a good date,]

And then there’s Australia
The dingo accusation proved to be false, and Ms Streep was
 later prosecuted, found guilty and jailed for dingo slander.
I know as well as anyone she’s had her problems.  Though lush and vast, this lonely redheaded stepchild of the global family must not only endure the vertigo and light headedness of being perpetually upside down, but also the disrespect of the frequent ‘only an island’ slurs disputing her continency.  (Though she can at least take heart that nobody is accusing her of incontinency.  But really, sitting in warm water like she is, who could blame her?  Sitting alone in warm water like she is, who would even know?)

I'm guessing some readers may think she's not suitable?  Maybe you just don't know her like I do.  Never mind what you may have heard.  Take a minute to get to know her before you pass judgement like that.

Maybe a quick profile would help dispel some misconceptions;
Mischaracterizations: A sprawling conclave of criminality and riff-raff founded during the colonial era. 
Characterization: you’re probably thinking of Washington D.C., Australia’s population is actually pleasant and peaceful

Unanswered Questions:  Why IS Australia all by itself?
Allegedly: It was left alone in the corner to think about what it did.
Actually: Asia smelled a little funny at the time (in pre-soap era) so she just stepped back a bit

What the world can thank Australia for:

Qantas, Rainman-verified as the world’s only crash free airline

Crocodile Dundee, for showing us all know what a knife’s supposed to look like

Nicole Kidman, gave us hope that even if you marry a closeted gay actor you can still fix your life

Men at Work, for reminding the world in the 80's that there is something besides open water between Guam and the South Pole -a whole civilized (English-speaking), Vegemite eatin' continent.

Air Supply, whose multi-platinum sleep inducers were the only thing able to knock us out if Vegemite belly-aches were keeping us up.

Infantilizing English – bastardizing of accepted mature terminology like firemen and electrician into firies and wiries allows Americans and Brits to feel smarter and superior, even though Australia actually ranks higher in language education, mathematics, science, class size, spending per student, school attendance, graduation rates, degree achievement, and shrimps on the barbie per capita. [Australia is proudly second in the world in this final category, behind only Papua New Guinea - the juggernaut of crustacean-based economies]

And beyond all that, she’s recently gained stature with a gallant effort to aid earthquake stricken New Zealand.  It not only made me take a second look at her, but it's the reason I would take her to the prom this year.

Also, check it out: nobody fills out a top like Australia! (va-va-voom!  Nice elevations!)

And sporting a little under-boob too, cheeky monkey!

So yeah, Australia, I'd be happy to take you to the prom.
You know... if you don't already have a date or whatever

As always, If I Were God appreciates comments, ad-clicks and sharing of His articles. 
He sees all; disappoint Him not.


  1. I would agree that Australia has an alluring appeal. Such great weather, fun accents, good natured people. And then. The spiders. They have the largest spider in the world there. I dunno. Go ahead and ask if you want, it still could be good. Just be careful.

  2. I don't know. It was all good until I read: Air Supply.

    That should definitely be a deal breaker.

  3. Great one, Cesar. Yes, we do have the biggest spider..AND we have the deadliest creatures. In face, the funnel-web spider will bite through your fingernail and kill you in 15 minutes! Nice, right???

    Seriously, Cesar - very well-written, and oh-so-true. Australia rocks. When are you coming for a visit down under, mate????

  4. Ooops, got a little too excited...meant to say "fact" not face. Sorry for using up this space!

  5. Thank you for your concern ladies, but spiders wouldn't pose a problem for me.
    Unlike humans, they won't bite the hand that made them.

  6. Austraila really does fill out a bikini nicely!! What a rack on her!!! Take her to the prom...I think you might get lucky...being god and all. ;)...or at least to second base!

  7. You forgot to mention their greatest export: Midnight Oil.

    "How do we sleep while our beds are burning? How can we dance when our world's turning?"

    That's some deep shit.

  8. I worked for BHP for years. I met my share of Aussies. I find them pretty charming except for their views on their Aboriginal people. My husband has been there multiple times and liked it. I think the spiders are a slight deal breaker. Go to the prom and tell us if she puts out.

  9. I totally got the "continency" joke. It wasn't easy. But I got it. Nice one!

  10. I hope AC/DC doesn't read that Midnight Oil wisecrack, Mike.

  11. Men At Work, Midnight Oil, Air Supply and AC/DC....

    What about Olivia Newton-John?! I'm pretty sure she can fill out a bikini better than any of those others!

  12. What is a woman to do when confronted with a continent whose rack rivals her own...?

    Or when she realises that she's *slightly* jealous of not being asked to the prom, despite her thirty two years and obvious distane for such juvenile social occasions (and that was when she was IN high school)?

    These are (apparently) the questions of our time.

    The blog crush deepens.

    - B x

  13. Wow, I never knew Australia had such nice tits!

    Oh, and you have an award over at Glitter Frog. Even if you didn't ask ME to the prom!

  14. Now, now ladies. I can't ask EVERYONE. And as clearly stated in the first paragraph, deities and continents ONLY.

  15. I'll never look at Australia the same way again. That chick really *is* a cheeky monkey.

    Well done, God. As usual.

  16. Okay, you have made it clear you aren't taking me to the prom. I don't really understand why. But that's okay. Are you not writing a post today because it's Sunday?

    Now, since we are friends, can I ask a small favor? Would you please fix my dog Harry's ears. They have something weird on them. Thanking you in advance. The vet we saw yesterday was a total bitch. And I hope she swallows a green loaded condom.

  17. Linda Linda Linda
    I was busy tending to a flood this weekend, but I did post today.

    You may have A small favor, since we're friends, but you'll have to choose; your dog's ears or your vet's condom

  18. "Tie Me Kangaroo Down" takes on a whole new meaning...

  19. You forgot about the impressive abs - Bladger! You yanks must be sick - not having the biggest spider.

    Sorry for using your formal name Carrie. (elsewhere)

    You created some great followers, NAG.