Saturday, February 12, 2011

9 Celebrities who would shoot Cupid on sight

Who would want to harm adorable little Cupid? 
More than you would guess, and not without cause. 
You know who you are, and I know you've got your reasons.

1. You're Sandra Bullock, he not only made you fall for a
    dirt-bag, he made the dirt-bag fall for a ho-bag.

2.  You're Paul McCartney, and you could've had anybody
     after Linda, anybody, and he made you go for a one-legged
     gold digger.

3. You're Angelina Jolie, and you already know how
     susceptible Brad Pitt is to those arrows.

4. You're Jennifer Aniston, and frankly, you've had enough.

5. You're Donald Trump, that little winged prick cost you more cash more times than the housing crash.

6. You're Julia Roberts, and you still can't believe you ever married Lyle Lovett.

7. You're Charlie Sheen, and that little bastard did it to you again.

8. You're Bill Clinton, and he told you you're cut off for life.

9. You're Sarah Palin, and though Cupid never wronged you; you just like shooting stuff.

They all have it in for Cupid, the perennial emblem of Valentine's Day and mischievous and voyeuristic cherub who, with his Bow of Blinding, has wrongly linked more hapless couples together than angry farmers with shotguns.  He enjoys a far better reputation than he deserves, owing to the human habit of crediting the person who introduced a happy new couple to each other, but forgetting who that person was by the time it all ends in tears.

Outside of Lady Gaga and her fondness for bad romance, no decent people enjoy love gone wrong. (Divorce lawyers don't count; I said 'decent people')

Since a recent statistical analysis showed definitively that less than 5% of relationships actually last long enough to be rewarding, Cupid's heretofore legendary aim and foresight has been debunked, exposing him as little more than an arbitrary sniper with a cruel sense of humor and an obsolete weapon.  As such, there is now a price on the little bastard's head and his days are considered numbered.

He'll find no refuge in heaven either.  Though he did used to work there, his proclivity, nay, obsession with shooting things made him a washout in his first day.  For all the above reasons and a sea of broken hearts, Cupid is the target of this week's Smackdown.

I'm sure the list at the top could be a lot longer.  Who else belongs on it?  Lemme know and I'll add 'em.

As always, If I Were God appreciates comments, ad-clicks and sharing of His articles. 
He sees all; disappoint Him not.


  1. Strangle the little winged bastard! I've been "slave" to him all my life and it has taken me a lot of places that you wouldn't approve of. So just get rid of him all together as far as I'm concerned.

  2. I say we revert back to arranged marriages. Romantic love based marriages are way overrated.

    Except MINE of course.


  3. I think Elizabeth Taylor deserves to go first when taking shots at Cupid.

  4. I don't think 'ole Liz could hit the broadside of a barn.
    -Some would say she IS the broad side of a barn.
    -Some people aren't nice (I would never say that)

  5. Some people see Cupid as a capricious little Baby Jesus. He's the oldest of the gods and the youngest at the same time. And he is one shit-stirring little fukker. How did he get that way? Where did you go wrong?

  6. I can't believe cupid has the balls to hold on to his bow while falling victim to the smackdown! LMAO! By the way, I'm sure Liz Taylor's gotta be immune to those arrows by now...cupid may need a rocket launcher for her...

  7. He's a nervy little s.o.b. fer sure -tried to ditch the arrows and say they weren't his. Doubt we've heard the last of him, though.

  8. Ah, but Tiger was not in love with any of them, perhaps not even Elin. She on the other hand has a legit complaint.

  9. Too bad Cupid doesn't help people find their right person. The world would be so great.

  10. The cat from the Pepe LePew cartoons. Definitely.

  11. You're right Knuck, if she were only real...whereas all the people on the list are real -giving Palin the benefit of the doubt of course.

  12. Ahahaha! Great list! I especially love #9.

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