Wednesday, April 13, 2011

What if women ruled the world?

A dangerous question, to say the least.  (Then why ask and where'd it come from?)  This particular mental meandering metastasized out of Nicky's comment from the previous post  "...or we could just let women rule the world."
It was just an off-the-cuff comment on the subject of war, but it made me wonder.  And a little afraid.

Things would certainly be different in a femocracy.  Some things would be better, some worse.  But would we be better off overall?  Let's take a closer look before deciding.

War wouldn't necessarily end, but it would be less lethal in the ways it was waged.
There'd be a lot of partially bald and mostly blind chicks out there, after the 'new war' methods of hair-pulling and eye-scratching become vogue.

Funding for new weapons systems would be rechanneled to worthy charities, like cellulite reduction research.
No new tanks and stealth fighter-bombers?  WTF?!

Court cases would come to swifter resolutions after the de-emphasis of forensic evidence, statistics and other boring 'facts'.
Contradicting witnesses might be gauged by a People-magazine-styled 'who wore it better' comparison.

The political process would become more inclusive as everyone would be given a chance to share.
President Oprah.  Count on it.

Fathers would be made to have at least as much responsibility in child-rearing as they do in child-making.
There'd be a lot of improvising; newspaper diapers (cheaper), hosing down in the driveway (faster than baby wipes), meal substitutions (why make baby carrots and mac&cheese when you can just mash up the leftover green pepper pizza from last night's poker game?)
No newspaper?  How 'bout fruit rinds?
Now that's usin' yer noggin.
New shoes, designer cloths and spa treatments would be 120% tax deductible.
Those governments not already teetering on the edge of bankruptcy soon would be due to lost taxes.

The mandatory number of 'Sick days' would be expanded to cover 'bad hair', PMS, and 'feeling fat' days.
Commerce and innovation would whine to a halt.

Football, UFC and other hyper-violent or over sexualized tv shows and movies would get cut in favor of Lifetime-style programming
I would have to kill myself.

I'm sure there's a plethora of others I've overlooked in this quick sketch.  So what have I missed?  Leave your best thoughts in 'comments'.

As always, If I Were God appreciates comments, ad-clicks and sharing of His articles. 
He sees all; disappoint Him not.


  1. Pro - Chocolate would be recognized as a food group.

    Con - Well, I can't really think of any! Sounds like a winner all the way around!

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  3. PRO: A president with boobs.
    CON: A president with PMS.

  4. PRO: A kinder, gentler military.
    CON: No one would be able to park a tank.

  5. Ok, this is the second time I've served as your muse...I'm going to start demanding that I sit to your right in Heaven in return. Alright, how 'bout just letting me into Heaven, as a start!?

    Seriously, this was very funny. BUT. Just perpetuating stereotypes only a little bit, weren't you God? I expected better from you. For example, while I agree WHOLEHEARTEDLY with the tax deductible shoes, I absolutely HATE "chick flicks" and LOVE football. There is no sound as satisfying as the crunching noise made when 2 helmets meet! I'm also a fan of things that blow up. I would make fathers more responsible for child-rearing. But I would also make mothers more responsible for child-rearing. I think you've missed a real key element - wars would be over fairly quickly if women ruled the world because, with a single look, you would know to stop what you were doing immediately or you would have no chance of sex in a really, really long time.

    Also, @Chris - I can park on a dime.

  6. Vicki,
    even chocolate covered frog's legs?

    I had to laugh at your tank crack. Of course now you have to keep an eye out for Nicky looking to prove you wrong by parking on your big bald head!

    aren't muses supposed to sit there quietly and look pretty? But noooo- Yammer yammmer yammer, blah blah blah... -not to perpetuate any stereotypes or anything! haha
    Okay, enough already. Time for props: You actually sound like my kind of chicky, Nicky, plus you're a good writer in your own right (& @your own site) and you've been a game contributor/provacateur since you started dropping by. Thank you. I hope you never stop.
    ps- I see a time on Chris' foot. Dontcha wanna park on it?

  7. PROS: Military uniforms would be far more flatteringly cut and come in an assortment of skin flattering colours.

    CONS: Male soldiers *may* feel marginalised by the mandatory full frontal photography sessions, on which rank and pay grade would (obviously) be based.

  8. Also?

    I love and hate you in equal measure.

    Just so you know.

  9. You and all the world, Barreness, you and all the world.

  10. I'm with Nicky on this one. You are purposely being sexist. I don't watch "chick flicks" and I love extremely brutal sports, and porn for that matter. I can shoot my Walther PPK with precision and I'm not inclined to pull hair ever. Nicky sitting still and looking pretty is not in her DNA. Deal with it, Big Guy.

  11. If God lived on earth people would break his windows.
    -Jewish proverb

  12. Linda, Nicky & B,
    I am purposely being *playful*, just a soft serve of the volleyball over the gender net, and damn if you three didn't come dashing 'round to spike it back! Gabrielle Reese would be proud.
    As a 'not acutally', I can do nothing more than stir the pot. But you must like the broth, to have come running over with such passion! Now where's my big wooden spoon, so I can give you a sip?

  13. As a woman I should totally be offened, but when you're right you're right.

    to balance some of the arguements there should be a minority government of men though...and please God save us from President Oprah...kill her now!

  14. I'm not an Oprah fan. Not a Sarah Palin fan either. I wish Nicky would run and I'd vote for her for anything. Where is your big wooden spoon? Hah!

  15. Mrs. Not ActuallyApril 14, 2011 at 6:21 PM

    Ok...this seriously made me laugh...but we both know your Mrs. likes both football and the UFC. Our little one has no chance...she will be right there loving Randy Couture with her mommy!

    Honestly make me laugh...but you really should give some more props to your women!! :)...but I do have to admit...I suck at parallel parking!!!!

  16. NAG, for the love of...uh...

    Did you read somewhere in my response ANY degree of offense taken over your post (which, incidentally, I found HILARIOUS)?

    Methinks you suspect me of far thinner skin than I actually am.

    Furthermore, I've paid enough attention to your previous posts to have spotted the virtual tongue pressed in your electronic cheek.

    You're a fan of MINE, for f*ck's sake.

    Also? The "love" and "hate" statement was made with regard to the appreciation I have for others of great wit and the annoyance I feel at finding them happily attached (to seemingly very cool chicks) (Hi Mrs NAG, you lucky lady).

    If only you were Spanish, good sir, I would be seriously troubled.

    -B x

  17. Apologies your ladyship, I ought not to have lumped you in with anyone for that reply. It was an easy shortcut I won't take again. From now on, it's the long way home for you.

    I didn't think YOU were offended, you jumped right in with your own pro & con. -in perfect Barreness tone & style, no less. (but of course)

    (BTW, not every press you spot is what it seems. The times when it's not my tongue, it's not my cheek either)

    Should I drop one last dollop of tease upon you by admitting I'm half Cuban and half Equadorian? Or would that be ungodly cruel of m- oops, I deigned it again.

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  19. This made me laugh out loud, I even had to read it to my husband. He thought it was a hoot.

    Pro: Instead of mandatory health care there would be mandatory purse buying.
    Con: Men would stand around and scratch their naughty bits out of boredom. Wait, they already do that.

    I had to stop by and check you out after your comment at Never Growing Old. Quite funny.

  20. I don't like your blog. I find it offensive not only to women but to God. Doylene

  21. Well that wasn't very gracious, was it?

    It's tongue in cheek here; satire is an aquired taste, but it's not for everybody. So it's up to you to choose be offended for women if you want.

    But for any mere mortal to declare anything offensive to god takes the same kind of self righteous and stupid arrogance usually heard on Bin Laden's tapes. If He's up there and offended He's more than capable of letting me know; He needs neither you nor Osama to speak for Him.

  22. Well, come one and come all.

    Say what you need to, (just 'own it' afterwards) it won't hurt me, I'm a big boy. (mostly owing to frequenting the pizza place and infrequenting my treadmill)

    But most all, I wanted to be my own 500th comment.

  23. You are a cruel cruel non-deity.

    Damn you.

    (Can an atheist damn someone I wonder?)



    Your first hate comment - woo hoo!!!

    You've arrived now, chicken.

    Water. Duck. Back.

    - B x

  24. I find Doylene offensive. But I love her anyway. Good people hate that, when evil bastards like me love them.

  25. So, um, anyway...

    Remember the whole Guam/Guahan thing and how I told you I would ask around about the island? Most people, when asked, roll their eyes and mumble something about the crazy ex-governor. One business owner laughed and said, only the unemployed/welfare people, who cry about their heritage being lost, supported the name change.(her words, not mine) She also pointed out that Guam relies on tourism. Most stores on island sell souvenirs with the word Guam on them. Not only would it cost them millions of dollars to replace these items with the word Guahan, they would lose millions in getting rid of all the Guam merchandise. Very valid points in my opinion. And, if I've offended any of your native GUAM readers, I guess they can post a reply with their own 2 cents.

  26. I don't think I have laughed this much in ages. The comments are gold.

    Certainly chocolate would play a big part. Impractical shoes and FM pumps would also be required but men would like that, and we'd all have to talk about our feelings. However, as I get older I'm not sure that is such a good thing but next week I will feel different about that so don't quote me.

  27. Meg,
    thanks for being interested enough to follow up! You're the only Guamarita who's spoken up so I don't know how many are on either side of the name thing. The real mystery for me is why I'm so popular on tiny Guam. It's consistanly #2 for months. Today's early stats show it again:

    US 22
    Guam 14
    Canada 3
    Others 1 each

  28. I'd wonder too. My stats show I get hits from Malaysia and Vietnam and I always wonder what leads them to my blog, or if it's just a bot. I have no idea how this all works. Maybe one of them will speak up if they see this.