Thursday, April 21, 2011

God on a Bender


Yes, it's been six months since my first post.  After 99 posts (I just counted, kinda eerie -this will be #100), I can look back with satisfaction at exactly 7300 pageviews (weirdly round number again.  I swear I'm not making anything up) from 83 countries.  The newest?  Nepal clicked by yesterday.  Finally.  (Did they bring me monkeybrain stew for the party, like in Temple of DoomNo.  They claimed they didn't know.  Meh)

Know how I'm celebrating this landmark?  Passover was this week. 
My wife is Jewish.  I'll be at my mother-in-law's.

All because I'm not actually god.  Damnit.  But motherfucker, if I was...

Not sure why we're here...but WE'RE U2 !!
                GOD ON A BENDER

First I'd have U2 rock out at my rave
and in return, give Bono Africa to save

the beer would flow and champagne would pop
and once it started I might not know when to stop

I might swing by Mexico to pick up some sexy senoritas
and use the Gulf to mix up some frozen margaritas

and as long as my mind was fixed on dirty doin's

I've been praying for this day

I'd entice Angelina and Beyonce, and leave them both in ruins

in Pakistan I'd scream "So help Me, Me.  You'll learn!"
and rain lightning on Al Queda just to watch 'em burn

then a quick stop in north Africa to check up on a hater
dancing through Libya, leaving a Qaddafi-shaped crater

but after a night like that would come a terrible morning
not quite ready to see the wreckage where I'd be touring

I'd have a god-sized headache when I finally left my bed
Not so fast, Angie.  I call dibs!
I'd have to scoop up Iceland and wrap it on my head

I might notice smoke from Jersey where I'd smote some Snookies
And see the Red Sea was now green where I'd tossed my cookies

There might be snow drifts in Cuba, where on a bet I'd left a blizzard
The Black Sea might be green, where I'd drained my lizzard

Regret would hit Me hard and I'd decide right then
"I swear to Me, the party's over now and I'll never drink again"

As always, If I Were God appreciates comments, ad-clicks and sharing of His articles. 
He sees all; disappoint Him not.


  1. Time to party like it's the end of the freakin' world! For all you know, it just might b-

  2. Four cups of wine at Passover and you could be well on your way!

  3. Why is it always Angie and Beyonce? I think that's being a little cliche. Just for once, somebody could claim that they wanted to bang a Hillary or a Ruth. Never mind.

    Party on, god! Enjoy the matzo balls!

  4. What, no mention of the greatest nation next to Heaven? Where's Canada in that ode to You? I guess I should just be happy You didn't decide to smote us, but like a kid who misbehaves to get attention, I have to kick You in the shin and ask: Why hast Thou forsaken us Canadians, God?

  5. LaughingMom
    I'll need that much to walk in the door!

    now now, you picked Angie yourself not ten days ago on this very blog. 'Which celebrity would you want a date with?' was the question, remember? You wrote: I'd pick Angie too.
    Which Hilary were you suggesting, Clinton or Duff?

    count yourself and your squeeky-clean Canada as lucky, my dear. If I'm on a bender you don't want me there.

  6. It's too early in the morning in Guam for me to be clever. At least, that's the excuse I'm sticking with...

    So, Happy 1/2 Anniversary. Looking forward to seeing what the next 1/2 brings.

  7. Hi! The yellow triangle on Allie's head (Hyperbole and a Half) isn't a dunce cap -- it's her ponytail. Just for the record.

  8. Your wife has beautiful tats. Tats! I said tats.

  9. I have to know if you will be drinking at your in-laws. If the answer is yes, I propose you drunk blog from there.

  10. I thought You were supposed to send Elijah to the Seder.

  11. Haha the Red Sea is now green because it's where you tossed your cookies and the Black Sea is green because you drained your lizzard. Haha, I am assuming you excrete large volumes of green"ness."

  12. Good grief, not-actually-God... How much have you had to drink?

  13. Fred,
    just because I'm in a good mood...

    that would've been fun for you all, possibly litigious for me

    have you not noticed, whatever isn't naturally green on this planet is BROWN. Draw your own conclusions.

    I'm not saying, but I could've been charged with divining under the influence.