Wednesday, February 9, 2011

I am now the president of GUAM

Greetings to Guam!

For whatever reason the native Guamians suddenly think this site is Guamarific.  13 hits in the last 24 hours; outnumbering any other country including the US, Canada, and Purgatory.  13 may seem like a low number, but it would have been enough to get me public office there had my name been on the ballot.  (or if they had ballots, or offices...)  What makes the number more amazing is that there are only 12 computers on the island not made of coconuts.  So they are a people who share.  I like that.

[Guamians: don't mind the jokes there.  It is from your ranks I will raise my army.  Wait for the signal...]

I don't know what made the love blossom so all of a sudden, but I'd sure like to know!  I have some cold margueritas for any Guamitas that can clue me in.

If you send me a key to the city I will accept it with grace.  (Assuming there is a city, and it has at least one lock)  But I will not move there to assume the mantle of power until I receive a ceremonial sash -must not be made of woven leaves.  Make it white, k?  Kinda my color.


The Guaminians need me more than I first realized.  They're sending me a plea for help, cleverly coded in carefully placed outdoor sculpture they knew I would be able to see from heaven. 

The message is so clear to Me now, how could I have missed it before?

Imperialists imposed their religion on the helpless island, symbolized by the oversized chess piece 'the bishop' seen banishing the indigenous culture -symbolized by a native figure- who must flee by sea in half a canoe, (the back half presumably seized to pay unfair taxes -a classic imperialist move) while painfully impaled in the head by the bishop's colonial writing quill.  You can see the bishop's hand still open, having just released the quill.  One can only admire how bravely, nay, stoically, the noble native conducts himself while hopelessly rowing his jagged canoe half, despite the obviously painful head trauma he's enduring.

I feel compelled to help; brace thyselves.

As always, If I Were God appreciates comments, ad-clicks and sharing of His articles. 
He sees all; disappoint Him not.


  1. If you hope to get elected or whatever, you'll need to understand that the term "Guamians" is considered offensive.

    They prefer to be called "Guamites".

  2. Um, I live in Guam. I recently started following your blog. If there are 12 others on the island checking out your site, maybe we can start a club...

  3. Next thing, you'll be taking over Diego Garcia. I really am charmed and amazed that you have conquered Guam with your keystrokes! I'm sure it's a lovely place.

  4. I wouldn't mind being on that island....!

  5. Meg,
    first, thanks for stepping up! And yes, I really did get an unexplained flurry of activity earlier from your neck of the woo- er, Pacific and I would love to know why. (Chatting with Australia maybe? I get regular traffic from there too, but nothing like Guam Day today)

    I've just been reading a bit about Guam, or should I say 'Guahan'? Are the people behind Macho Camacho's name change? -or do you need me to drop by and straighten a few things out?

  6. I'm a military transplant, my husband is in the Navy and we've been living here about 8 months. The "Guahan" issue...that's one thing I haven't talked to any of the natives about. From listening to the radio, it seems like quite a few consider it a joke. Being that the radio DJ's probably aren't the best source of information, I'll ask around.

    And Linda is right, it is a lovely island. If you'd like to see more pictures, I can link you to my flikr account.

  7. I would like that, Meg. I can peruse them and decide over which area to park my cloud. (I wouldn't inflict my entourage on any landbound population. The Angels are cool enough, but the cherubs are unruly and leave a mess.)

    Any word yet on why so many Guamaritas have been dropping by?

  8. I've heard things about those cherubs.

    No ideas about the sudden influx. How do your stats work? By IP address? I commented on one of your blogs the other day and checked back to see if anyone else had responded, but not 13 times in 24 hours. I do my stalking on Facebook...

    If that doesn't work, let me know.

  9. I got 34 hits from Kiev today but I think it was the same guy. Which is nice since I didn't know there was a Kiev. I thought it was just something they named a great chicken recipe after. Learn something new everyday.

  10. Jen,
    you didn't go to the bottom! (Which, BTW, is usually where one would find such things...)

    So I hope you're joking and not really expecting anything! You did go to the bottom right?

    For all others: Jen is referring to a little joke I left in her comments over at her site, which is worth a visit:

  11. I'll vote for you. I've never been to Guam, but I'm overdue for a tropical island vacation.

    I get hits from far away places, but I think mine are spammers. Actually, I'm pretty sure mine are spammers. But I'm ready to be Queen of (insert far away place here). If only they'd ask.

  12. Thank you Kernut. Methinks you'd make a fine queen somewhere. But like any job, the wider your skill set the better your chances; Are you willing to work your way up from jester?

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