Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Tease Me on Tuesday

Well, if you're going to muzzle me on Monday... why not just go 'na-na-naNA-na' on Tuesday?
(There will not be a 'Whip Me on Wednesday", so don't get your hopes up, Church Ladies)

Not gonna happen.

I see the whole censorship issue that came up yesterday really got some people's blood up.  The voices favoring "leave her alone" were the most numerous, passionate and in the end -well reasoned.  So I will.

But it does leave me Memeless on Monday.  And what wannabe god worth his salt-of-the-earth would leave himself without a way to propagate his gospeil, know what I meme?

So if all the blabbering know-it-alls I mean, intelligent and thoughtful readers who have kindly commented earlier now have meme ideas that would work here, I'd love to hear 'em. 

Note to wife: "Why don't you show me a miracle and take the garbage out once in a while?" is NOT a meme.  And I told you I'm busy.  I cannot believe you'd embarrass me here like that.

To all non-nagging NAG's: I'm tossing a few ideas around myself, but none really POP.

Molest Me on Monday? -this is not a priest blog.  And virtual molesting?  Meh, I don't feel it.
Taunt Me on Tuesday? -too negative.  Plus it's a 15 yard penalty if the ref sees it.
Watch Me on Wednesday? -dressing?  Not until I lose weight and can get back into my Borat thong.
Thank Me on Thursday? -this would be strong ...if I Were God  ...or if I did anything...
Friend Me on Friday? -this 'aint Facebook, so no
Shank Me on Saturday? -this 'aint no prison bog neither, so no
Shave Me on Sunday? -if you lie back and think about, some real interesting possibilities might open.

Alright people.  So whadaya got?

As always, If I Were God appreciates comments, ad-clicks and sharing of His articles. 
He sees all; disappoint Him not.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Muzzle Me on Monday

Last Monday I participated in a meme called "Meet Me On Monday", which regular readers here have seen now and again.  I got a little bored with the questions (you can see the last one a few posts below) and for a meme offering "Meet Me" I didn't think that questions like "What's your favorite vegetable?" really allowed you to 'meet' anyone.

As most of you know, improving the world one dictum at a time is my calling.  So I left a comment there in the field marked "I love, love, love comments!! Thank you for taking the time and for making my day!! I read every single one and if you ask a question please be sure that I will get back to you as soon as I can!"

I received such a dramatic and outraged reply I felt compelled to reread what I had written.  I clicked over to the scene of the crime to find it GONE.  It was like a CIA clean-up team had rappelled in and erased all evidence of a hit; there was no trace of bodies nor blood.  Not even a chalk outline to commemorate where a brave young comment once stood his ground to be heard -and was cut down for it in the prime of life. (Not unlike Crispus Attucks, the first man shot dead by the redcoats in the Boston Massacre!)

So the best I can do is paraphrase that brave young comment, as closely as I remember him:

I wish the questions weren't always so bland.  I don't feel like I've really met anybody.  Maybe try (some underwear query I can't recall, maybe "Ever go commando?")

Also I see your button has three women on it but no men.  Are men not welcome here?  I'm starting to feel like an unwanted little boy.  Unless of course that button were on my shirt, in which case there'd be three woman on me which would be just fine.

This is apparently the commental equivalent of the Boston Tea Party.  How could the crown not respond?
Three days later a comment shows up on my Meet Me post (still available in all its un-censored glory below)

Java said...

If you feel my questions are too bland then please do not play and please do not leave any more inappropriate comments like you did. My blog is not run like that and I do not appreciate it. I will delete them and/or your linky entries if you continue to do so. I have gotten lots of complaints about you and your comments so please refrain and keep them to yourself and your blog...not mine.

Who helped you write that comment?
Was it, I don't know... SATAN?

Did I let this go unanswered?  Not on your life.
I sent her a private email, so there'd be no public pressure,
and to give her a chance to redeem herself.

I was a bit surprised to get such an unpleasant comment from you on my 'Monday' post. You brought up a few different issues and I will try to address them.

I honestly think the questions aren't deep enough to give any real insight into the fellow bloggers who participate. (the stated goal of the meme in the first place) I used 'bland' originally -a pretty mild criticism intendended to make the meme better. I didn't realize that in your community other opinions and different personalities were NOT welcome.

One of the unhappy people, Doylene, left a comment on my blog letting me know how she felt. I did NOT tell her she was unwelcome in the future, nor did I delete or edit her comment. This is America. I don't censor.

When I came back to the "Meet Me" to re-read the comment I left that set this whole thing off it was gone. I read all the others to see the 'many complaints' you said you got about me. I could find none. Did you purge them all? Do you decide whose voice gets heard?

As far as what you called 'inappropriate comment' I guess you're referring to the button joke about there being only women on it? If you read the comments on my own site you'll see some visited because they appreciated the joke and took it in the spirit in which it was intended.

At the end of the day it's still your site. You can choose to bully me off your site if you like -because I had the nerve to suggest an improvement. Is that really who you are? Is this really the Java I've met?


ps- I sent this privately on your 'contact me' so you would not feel publically challenged or chastised by me. I am not trying to be mean or bully you. For me this is a serious conversation between adults.

So she got privately challenged instead.  I knew suggesting she was a bully would compel a reply.
And any god (false or not) worth his salt is all about compelling.  (Check your Bible, it a compilation of compelling.)
Anywho, it only took a day for Java to answer.

Thank you for taking the time to get back to me.  Sometimes its hard to express oneself in words and how another interprets them.

I have deleted all comments related to the complaints from your comments....yours included.  I just did it last night so if you don't see any its because I deleted them.
The world is full of many different walks of life and it is really hard to please everyone.  I myself thought your comments could have easily offended some people and yes I did have several send me private messages regarding them.  I know you probably meant nothing but humor when you posted them but you have to remember that not everyone gets each other's humor.

One of the reasons Meet Me On Monday is so popular is because of the simplicity.  I never post questions that take a lot of time and effort.  I get lots of feedback regarding the questions and most are glad that I make it "easy" for them.  Posting a question regarding someone's underwear is just not something I would do.  My blog is a family blog and while yours may or may not be makes the difference between what is appropriate and what isn't.  It is also listed in the rules that you have to link the url of your post and not your whole blog which you have been doing and it makes a lot of extra work for myself to go in and fix it.  You are not the only one but I am slowing getting everyone to correct the way they link up.

I tried to send you a private message but no where on your blog could I find an email address.
I don't appreciate you saying that I'm bullying you off of my site.  You mentioned bully twice in your email and I don't know what you are suggesting.

I don't come to your blog and make appropriate or inappropriate suggestions on what you post.  Your blog is your blog as mine is mine and we need to respect each others content and what should and shouldn't be commented or suggested.

I hope you have a great weekend

Telling me not to 'play' again if I don't love her questions and threatening to kick me off (via deletion) if I have a differing opinion or suggestion qualifies as bullying in my book.  I think she's trying to build a church lady club but doesn't want to admit it.  She again failed to address the 'why no men?' question which I'd asked her once before.
My wife thinks I have tortured the poor woman enough and should leave her blog free of my ungodly taint.
(For the record, I don't think my taint is so ungodly.  I maintain it with the utmost cleanliness, which as we all know is allegedly next to godliness.  Allegedly.)  So, what to do from here?

I'd like to gather the opinions of the faithful.  Let me know...

Should I leave this Java and her meme alone?
Should I rattle her cage again and say censorship IS bullying, AND unAmerican?
Should I start a new meme with cool, relevant and riot-sparking questions of my own?
Should I stop scrubbing my taint so much, at least until the swelling goes down?

As always, If I Were God appreciates comments, ad-clicks and sharing of His articles. 
He sees all; disappoint Him not.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

God on a Bender


Yes, it's been six months since my first post.  After 99 posts (I just counted, kinda eerie -this will be #100), I can look back with satisfaction at exactly 7300 pageviews (weirdly round number again.  I swear I'm not making anything up) from 83 countries.  The newest?  Nepal clicked by yesterday.  Finally.  (Did they bring me monkeybrain stew for the party, like in Temple of DoomNo.  They claimed they didn't know.  Meh)

Know how I'm celebrating this landmark?  Passover was this week. 
My wife is Jewish.  I'll be at my mother-in-law's.

All because I'm not actually god.  Damnit.  But motherfucker, if I was...

Not sure why we're here...but WE'RE U2 !!
                GOD ON A BENDER

First I'd have U2 rock out at my rave
and in return, give Bono Africa to save

the beer would flow and champagne would pop
and once it started I might not know when to stop

I might swing by Mexico to pick up some sexy senoritas
and use the Gulf to mix up some frozen margaritas

and as long as my mind was fixed on dirty doin's

I've been praying for this day

I'd entice Angelina and Beyonce, and leave them both in ruins

in Pakistan I'd scream "So help Me, Me.  You'll learn!"
and rain lightning on Al Queda just to watch 'em burn

then a quick stop in north Africa to check up on a hater
dancing through Libya, leaving a Qaddafi-shaped crater

but after a night like that would come a terrible morning
not quite ready to see the wreckage where I'd be touring

I'd have a god-sized headache when I finally left my bed
Not so fast, Angie.  I call dibs!
I'd have to scoop up Iceland and wrap it on my head

I might notice smoke from Jersey where I'd smote some Snookies
And see the Red Sea was now green where I'd tossed my cookies

There might be snow drifts in Cuba, where on a bet I'd left a blizzard
The Black Sea might be green, where I'd drained my lizzard

Regret would hit Me hard and I'd decide right then
"I swear to Me, the party's over now and I'll never drink again"

As always, If I Were God appreciates comments, ad-clicks and sharing of His articles. 
He sees all; disappoint Him not.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

My half-birthday, on Thursday

In two days, on April 21, If I Were God... will be six months old.
This calls for a celebration; a party even!  And you're all invited.  What should you bring? 
I dunno.  What does one give for a half birthday?

Not a homemade cake - it would be half baked
Not birthday sex - it would be half faked

Not a new body - it would be half assed
Not a new flag - it would be at half mast

Not new love - it would be half hearted
Not a new haircut - it would be half parted

Not a midget bride - she'd be a half wife
Not a radiated rabbit - he'd have a half life

Not a refurbished laptop - it would only be half fixed
Not an instant margarita - it would only be half mixed

Not a new drinking buddy - who's already half in the bag
Not his drunk dog either - who can only half wag

I guess not a new anything - if it would be half crappy
I guess on a half birthday, you can only be half happy

As always, If I Were God appreciates comments, ad-clicks and sharing of His articles. 
He sees all; disappoint Him not.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Meet Me on Monday

1.  Caesar Salad or Garden Salad?
     Caesar of course; the emperor of salads.
2.  Will you be watching the Royal Wedding on April 29th?
     Meh, I have an important nap scheduled for that day.
3.  Last thing you spent lots of money on?
     A new car to carry my new daughter.
4.  Window seat or aisle seat?
     Depends; am on on a plane or at a wedding?
      (either way I expect peanuts and free soda)
5.  Do you know your blood type?
      It's the cowardly type; I get cut or scraped and it runs.

I wish the questions for this meme (run by Java over at nevergrowingold.) weren't always so bland.  I have an idea or two that would get people talking so you'd really feel you'd met somebody. 
I just hit one the other day;
Would we be better off if women ran the world?

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

What if women ruled the world?

A dangerous question, to say the least.  (Then why ask and where'd it come from?)  This particular mental meandering metastasized out of Nicky's comment from the previous post  "...or we could just let women rule the world."
It was just an off-the-cuff comment on the subject of war, but it made me wonder.  And a little afraid.

Things would certainly be different in a femocracy.  Some things would be better, some worse.  But would we be better off overall?  Let's take a closer look before deciding.

War wouldn't necessarily end, but it would be less lethal in the ways it was waged.
There'd be a lot of partially bald and mostly blind chicks out there, after the 'new war' methods of hair-pulling and eye-scratching become vogue.

Funding for new weapons systems would be rechanneled to worthy charities, like cellulite reduction research.
No new tanks and stealth fighter-bombers?  WTF?!

Court cases would come to swifter resolutions after the de-emphasis of forensic evidence, statistics and other boring 'facts'.
Contradicting witnesses might be gauged by a People-magazine-styled 'who wore it better' comparison.

The political process would become more inclusive as everyone would be given a chance to share.
President Oprah.  Count on it.

Fathers would be made to have at least as much responsibility in child-rearing as they do in child-making.
There'd be a lot of improvising; newspaper diapers (cheaper), hosing down in the driveway (faster than baby wipes), meal substitutions (why make baby carrots and mac&cheese when you can just mash up the leftover green pepper pizza from last night's poker game?)
No newspaper?  How 'bout fruit rinds?
Now that's usin' yer noggin.
New shoes, designer cloths and spa treatments would be 120% tax deductible.
Those governments not already teetering on the edge of bankruptcy soon would be due to lost taxes.

The mandatory number of 'Sick days' would be expanded to cover 'bad hair', PMS, and 'feeling fat' days.
Commerce and innovation would whine to a halt.

Football, UFC and other hyper-violent or over sexualized tv shows and movies would get cut in favor of Lifetime-style programming
I would have to kill myself.

I'm sure there's a plethora of others I've overlooked in this quick sketch.  So what have I missed?  Leave your best thoughts in 'comments'.

As always, If I Were God appreciates comments, ad-clicks and sharing of His articles. 
He sees all; disappoint Him not.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Bringin' the family to war

Pick a caption:
The family that shells together gels together.
The family that goes to war together sees gore together.
The family that bayonets together has interesting get-togethers.

That is extreme family unity.  Before the days of cell phones and army-provided video links traveling with the enlisted man of the house might have been the only way to be sure you'd see him again.  I'm sure it had a lot to do with having cash to live on in the pre-direct deposit days.  Troops were paid in the field.  If the family wasn't right there it might not see any of his pay for months or even years.  I'm sure the wives were also worried their man might be tempted to pay another woman for certain affections (let's be pleasant about this, shall we?) if she wasn't there to provide them herself.

The men got to enjoy most of the benefits of home (except the actual home, of course), wife-cooked meals and their adoring children always nearby.

But I'm sure it was a double edged sword (in a time when they actually used double edged swords); the wife and children were always nearby.  Domestic arguments must have followed those poor guys right to the edge of the battlefield and be waiting for them again the moment they got off.  I can picture a guy being carted off and brought back to his family's tent after being wounded.

Oh my lord, Johnnie-Ray!  What happened to your pants?

My pants?!  Tarnation woman!  I done got my legs blowed off!

Yes, but... I just sewed those pants!  Look at them now!

Dag-nabbit!  Just be grateful the surgeon was able to sew me up good.

I'll be the judge of that.  Looky there.  Sloppiest job ever, all criss crossey.  You could tell it was a man done it.  Were you at least wearin' your good Sunday under-britches when he seen you?

What?!  Who gives a hoot in hel-

You watch your mouth!  I knew it!  I'm so embarrassed.  What pair was you wearin'?


Johnnie-Ray Havershaw III jr, What pair of under-britches was you wearin'?

Weren't wearin' none.  We was settin' up an ambuscade, all sneaky-like.  When I goes commando woman, I goes commando!

Lordy!  Hmph.  You know when Jeremiah McClintock jr II got blowed up Sarah Mae was able to hold her head up high.  HE had on his best Sunday's.

Well bully for the wid-dow McClintock!

Angered by the exchange, Johnnie-Ray huffs off to the general's tent on his sloppily stitched stumps to ask for reassignment to long-range reconnaissance.  The wise officer eyes the underbritchesless double amputee with a seasoned compassion.

The missus givin' you fits agin, son?

Can't imagine seeing it today.  (-families going to war that is, not underbritchesless double amputees) But of course there's no need; modern banking keeps the money flowing and modern electronics gives some semblance of face-time.  If only modern diplomacy had made similar advancements in problem solving the whole hideously expensive circus might be rendered obsolete.  But alas it is not so. 

Of course, If I were god...

As always, If I Were God appreciates comments, ad-clicks and sharing of His articles. 
He sees all; disappoint Him not.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Meet Me on Monday

This is a meme I sometimes do, run by Java over at nevergrowingold.  Her questions, my answers.

1.  Who would be your dream celebrity date?
     Angelina. (Do I even have to say 'Jolie'?) She's facinating far beyond her beauty and celebrity.
      I really think she could kill a man if she had to.  Irresistable.

2.  Do you have any food restrictions?
     No vegetables.  What?

3.  How much time do you take to get ready in the morning?
     Depends on where I'm going; For work, 40 minutes, for a fire call 2 or 3.

4.  Sausage or bacon?
     Bacon.  Already have a sausage.

5.  Do you Google, Bing or Yahoo?
     All 3.  See ladies, I'm flexible!

Alright, so Monday morning is a bad time to ask me things, unless you like snark with your breakfast.

As always, If I Were God appreciates comments, ad-clicks and sharing of His articles. 
He sees all; disappoint Him not.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

World Map of Breast Sizes

It's only fair.  Not to compare apples and oranges, but the size map for bananas was up last week, so now it's time for the mellons.

The more one ponders the broader implications of the regional disparities, the more some things about our world start making sense.

China: A cup
Japan: A cup

Small breasts means less milk; which means less nutrition for growth during that critical first year, which means smaller people overall.  The availability of baby formula in the modern era came far too late to mitigate millenia of half rations.  There's a lot more jockeys in those countries than basketball players.
I assume Yao Ming had a Russian wet nurse.

Russia: D+ cup

Maybe there is such a thing as too much of a good thing.  Outside of the popular girls from "Keeping up with the Kremlinettes", maybe having so much eye candy everywhere is too distracting.  It could have been a contributing factor to the collapse of communism.  Who wants to counter the capitalist menace by deploying missiles around the world when Olga's silo's are practically spilling into your lap?

Italy: C cup
Germany: D cup

Is this why the Romans went north and invaded Germania?  Plundering the Persian empire to the east and North Africa to the south for boatloads of their baubles and bullion may have brought them satisfaction, but the native B cups of those regions did not.  For that, they had to march north.


Very near the top, but not quite there.  Don't count the americans out quite yet.  As the breast augmentation capital of the world the USA is determined to close the booby gap by any means necessary.

So why is this IF I Were God... material?

Not just for the sake of fairness and balance after last week's penis size map, but to again point out another missed opportunity.  Women like men (in general), men like breasts (in gen- always).  It makes the draw of a nice rack a very huge plus for the women who have them, but gives a confidence lowering disadvantage to the women who don't.  Not.  fair.  If I were god I'd have it be earned. (like beauty

Personalities are pretty much set by the time girls hit puberty; who they are is set before their cup size is.  I'd simply let that be the trigger for growth.  The nicer you were, the more it would show.  Mother Theresa would've been the new Pam Anderson.  Her work with the poor would've received a lot more attention than it did and I'm sure donations to her charity would've been through the roof.  "Her heart was so big, it was nearly bursting through her chest!"

Pretending to be nice wouldn't be possible.  The proof of how genuine a woman's smile is would be hanging right below it.  And the real sweethearts?  You could spot them a mile away.

Ah, what a world it would be, if I were -you know.

As always, If I Were God appreciates comments, ad-clicks and sharing of His articles. 
He sees all; disappoint Him not.

Monday, April 4, 2011

"I don't exist" hoax uncovered by thinking child

Friday's earth-shaking announcement "I don't exist" previously thought to be by God has been debunked by a simple question posed by a young child.  The insightful query was simply this "Daddy, how could he say anything if he didn't exist?" 

Daddy was dumbfounded, and mummy too.  They posed the question to their local congressman who, answerless, passed it up the chain until it eventually came before several Washington think tanks.  After being verified as logically sound, a second question arose.  How did a young child come up with this in the first place when nobody else had? 

After consulting with scholars from various disciplines it was determined the youngster had employed what was later identified as the arcane art of 'critical thinking'.  This is apparently the art of 'thinking', rare enough these days, done in a manner best described as 'critical'.  Scientists claim that all people are actually capable of this though it hardly seems likely since nobody does.

God Himself has remained mute on the subject.  Possibly feeling it is beneath Him, possibly not wanting the exacerbate our shame, or worst of all: possibly so angry He's thinking of scrapping the whole thing and starting over.

Creator's remorse?
Casting further doubt on the original claim is the fact that it was made on April 1st.  -really, people.  How easy are you?

As always, If I Were God appreciates comments, ad-clicks and sharing of His articles. 
He sees all; disappoint Him not.

Friday, April 1, 2011

God admits "I don't exist"

News headlines are popping in from around the world by the second in response to this stunning revelation.  Like most people, all I can do is sit here stunned, and wait for more information.

NY Post
"Aethiests:  We're not stunned, we're right."

National Enquirer
Nietzsche gloats from the grave "Told ya!"

NY Times
Aethiests celebratory mood quickly ruined by new lack of purpose

USA Today
Who will damn for us now?

Vatican Times
Garage Sale Tomorrow: Everything must go!

Doubter's Daily
Marketing ploy to get Elvis/Tupac-like 'gone' bump?

While it's still too early to know what the truth is, we must all be prepared for it possibly being true.
This blog may have to be renamed "If I existed..."

Updates as they occur.

As always, If I Were God appreciates comments, ad-clicks and sharing of His articles. 
He sees all; disappoint Him not.