Monday, June 4, 2012

Behind the wheel or under it

Confucius say “Better to be behind the wheel than under it.”
Timeless wisdom, no?  Okay, I made that one up just now but it totally sounds like something he would say, right?  Good advice, either way.

Of course there’s an even better position to be in; that's behind the guy who’s behind the wheel.  If you’ve got a chauffeur you’re in a pretty good position, physically and metaphorically -not to mention financially.  I’d recommend feeding him well.  In the event of a crash he’s got an airbag, but you’ve got him and an airbag.  The puffier he is the better off you are.
You gotta love a woman
who has to willingly takes
you wherever you say.

Of course if you're afforded the kind of life that affords a chauffeur and you don't need your driver to double as a hulking bodyguard then you can choose a female for the job, one that fits your lap image, so you can support equal opportunity and all.  (Also they're naturally soft and, uh, cushiony in case of impact.  Cushion size varies by model, choose carefully.)

Yeah, if you’re the guy behind the guy behind the wheel you’ve got plenty of reasons to feel good about it.  Unless that limo you’re in is a rental, then the glory is fleeting.  Once you get to the chapel or reception that special feeling is gone. 

I’m actually in the poor man’s version of that position right now as I write this.  I’m on an express bus bound for NYC and work on this gloryless Monday morning.  I do have a driver; (not the woman in the picture but a woman nonetheless) she’s behind the wheel and I’m behind her, so it’s kinda sorta the same.  Almost?

If it weren’t for all these other people rustling newspapers and whispering into their cell phones I could totally pretend I was Donald Trump ...tracking down birther clues.  If I could just prove the president’s an alien then I could call Will Smith in to capture him.
A'ight, prez.  Step away from
Air force one, k?

Then I’d be friends with Will Smith.  How kewl would that be?  We could head down the shore, gettin’ jiggy with it in the sum-sum-summertime.  Or head down to Miami to
party in the city where the heat is on
all night on the beach till the break of dawn

Welcome to Miami (bienvenido a Miami)

Water so clear you can see to the bottom
 $100,000 cars, everybody got ‘em
Ain't no surprise in the club to see Sly Stallone
Miami, my second ho-
Noooo!!  We’re at the port authority bus terminal already?!  God damn it, now I have to get out and walk.  In the real world.  <sigh>.
This childish fantasy has been brought to you courtesy of the 30 days of writing challengeEnjoy the others!


  1. I imagine that the next time I am in a chauffeured car, I'll be the corpse.

  2. This "childish fantasy" was a delight. How I do love riding in limos -- at someone else's expense, of course.

  3. LOL @ Laughing Mom!! You get 50 points for that comment :-)

    Don't worry God, when WWFC finally succeeds with the whole world domination plan, we'll send 'round a limo to take you and the missus for an evening out on the town.

  4. See, I always wonder what's on one's mind on the train/bus... especially whilst pouting like Donald Trump... : ) now I know! Hx

  5. Having done both the limo experience and the arrival at Port Authority in a bus, I understand totally where you are coming from. No, wait. I have no idea where you were coming from. If I knew that, I'd go to your place and rob it because you aren't home.

    So, anyway, this was funny. I especially like the stuff about making the driver puffier so you can have more cushioning during an accident. Makes sense, so from now on I am hiring nothing but corpulent limo drivers.

  6. I'd rather be the dude driving the car. Then I can be the one mumbling under my breath when you yell something at me. Oh, and I'll try and put the window up between me and the back before crashing. You're not using me and my airbag for safety!

  7. You took us for a great ride today, IIWG. Nice post.

  8. It's going to take me all day to get that song out of my head!

  9. This may be my favorite post of yours ever! The limo thing cracks me up. I love taking the Rolls Royce limo's when staying at the Mark Hopkins in San Francisco. They will drop you anyplace in the SF downtown area and there is not even a charge, (beyond a gratuity). I had a boyfriend who I stayed with at the hotel and took the limo to my Financial District job every day for a week. The limo was not vulgar, but very tasteful. I felt like a dignitary getting in and out of that Rolls! Yeah, Baby! I could live that way too!

  10. I knew it! These skinny girls have got it all wrong. They will never be employed as a limo driver!

    A hilarious post!